Hi, I'm applying Cornell for Early Decision and I need someone to revise and advise on my personal essay as soon as possible. Please help me :(
Here is my essay...
Tears were falling from my eyes. As my band teacher gestured for us to stand up, I was overwhelmed with the audience's genuine appreciation for our music. I looked down on my musical scores. Numerous circle marks were now disfigured and dancing up and down as if they were responding to the acclamation. The memories of struggling to play the music went through my mind in a flash.
"Every music piece has its own story. Tell the story. Do not just play the note." Ms. Starks, my band teacher, would often say to awaken us students. I would then look more closely on the music piece in an attempt to discover hidden story, but without success.
I made many mistakes. Sometimes they were on the same part that I always had struggled with and other times were on the part that I had no problem playing. By any means, I drew a circle to indicate a need of caution and tried to lessen the cacophony that I was producing.
It was, in fact, frustrating to think that I was the only one who was behind. As I ventured through the music, circle marks multiplied. I practiced hard so that I could play confidently without faking when difficult parts came out. However, I often found myself left behind my peers who seemed to play without difficulty. I had no choice but to practice harder.
The process of my improvement was very subtle. However, I was making progress though playing correctly needed patience like parents who wait patiently for the baby to try its feet for the first time.
As I worked hard and made a few mistakes and even felt no need of "circle mark," I began to perceive something different. I was now hearing a story. At first, mere words to phrases, phrases to sentences, I could hear the story while I was playing the music. I realized then that the story was the product of my dedication and passion to improve myself.
My life is this product. It has myriads of "circle marks" and each resembles my efforts to become a good daughter, friend and a student who solves a chapter review question to do well on the Calculus test. I know that I will encounter countless challenges that require time and dedication. I also know that there will be a time when my efforts would not pay off. However, even if I fail, I know that it would not detract from the flow of my story, but rather add, imposing a sense of reality from their imperfections. Because I believe that every effort I put will become a story that only I, SeJin, can create, I am willing to take any challenge, however insurmountable that might seem.
My heart still pounds whenever I look back on the performances I did in Disney-Land and NASA during the band trip in Florida. I guess my passion to improve myself made a special experience an extra-special. However, more exciting events are yet to come and I have no doubt that they will elaborate and polish my story that has yet to be completed.
(any advice or criticism is welcomed!!!)
Here is my essay...
Tears were falling from my eyes. As my band teacher gestured for us to stand up, I was overwhelmed with the audience's genuine appreciation for our music. I looked down on my musical scores. Numerous circle marks were now disfigured and dancing up and down as if they were responding to the acclamation. The memories of struggling to play the music went through my mind in a flash.
"Every music piece has its own story. Tell the story. Do not just play the note." Ms. Starks, my band teacher, would often say to awaken us students. I would then look more closely on the music piece in an attempt to discover hidden story, but without success.
I made many mistakes. Sometimes they were on the same part that I always had struggled with and other times were on the part that I had no problem playing. By any means, I drew a circle to indicate a need of caution and tried to lessen the cacophony that I was producing.
It was, in fact, frustrating to think that I was the only one who was behind. As I ventured through the music, circle marks multiplied. I practiced hard so that I could play confidently without faking when difficult parts came out. However, I often found myself left behind my peers who seemed to play without difficulty. I had no choice but to practice harder.
The process of my improvement was very subtle. However, I was making progress though playing correctly needed patience like parents who wait patiently for the baby to try its feet for the first time.
As I worked hard and made a few mistakes and even felt no need of "circle mark," I began to perceive something different. I was now hearing a story. At first, mere words to phrases, phrases to sentences, I could hear the story while I was playing the music. I realized then that the story was the product of my dedication and passion to improve myself.
My life is this product. It has myriads of "circle marks" and each resembles my efforts to become a good daughter, friend and a student who solves a chapter review question to do well on the Calculus test. I know that I will encounter countless challenges that require time and dedication. I also know that there will be a time when my efforts would not pay off. However, even if I fail, I know that it would not detract from the flow of my story, but rather add, imposing a sense of reality from their imperfections. Because I believe that every effort I put will become a story that only I, SeJin, can create, I am willing to take any challenge, however insurmountable that might seem.
My heart still pounds whenever I look back on the performances I did in Disney-Land and NASA during the band trip in Florida. I guess my passion to improve myself made a special experience an extra-special. However, more exciting events are yet to come and I have no doubt that they will elaborate and polish my story that has yet to be completed.
(any advice or criticism is welcomed!!!)