Hello everyone! Can someone please help me edit my essay? I need any critique possible!
Thanks in advance!
"We want justice!" "Khalistan zindabad!" "Save humanity!" I looked around, feeling accomplished. We were protesting for the Sikh genocide. It was pouring and everyone was tired. But we held on.
I began to truly embrace my Punjabi culture at the age of 12. My dad, fearing that I may lose my culture, began teaching me to write in Punjabi. I was ecstatic. Growing up, I had always envied anyone who was literate in their native tongue. Merely speaking the language was not enough for me. I admired every curve of each Punjabi character. I especially took pleasure in the fact that each character is bonded by a single line on top, to show unity, which in return creates words.
At the age of thirteen, I began to attend Punjabi school, a place for children like me who wanted a better understanding of the Sikh religion. Through this school, I was taught how to read and write in Punjabi. I became active in kabadi (wrestling), basketball and volleyball. I became skilled at playing the harmonium. I was even trained in the basic form of sword fighting, although we used sticks instead of actual swords. It was also through this school that I grasped what the Sikh religion actually means to me. It is the element that gives people a sense of togetherness across many lands. It gives meaning to a life that would otherwise be hopeless. Sikhism became my strength and my value.
It was in Punjabi School that I learned of the 1984 Sikh Genocide. It hurt knowing that the Sikh religion was not accepted in its own country. And the jarring pictures of my fellow people, murdered and tortured, caused much pain. However, not only did the families of those dead loved ones not get any compensation but many Sikhs are still in prisons under false accusations. Yet nothing was being done.
Appalled by this ongoing atrocity, a couple of friends and I began a proposal that we should protest for those in India. I felt that even if we were not physically in India, we could still do our part overseas. Upon research, we found out that there is a yearly protest done in Manhattan. We grew eager and began chatting about what we could do. Kiran, one of the girls, stopped us and pointed at the date. Our expressions darkened. The protest was in two days.
Immediately, some of us began to shelve any idea of actually going. I looked around and saw faces of defeat before the war even started. Before long, many of the girls began bickering with each other. I stared out the window. I could not let this happen. I wanted to support the protest at any cost. I got up from my seat and went to the front of the room. I picked a piece of chalk up and turned around. Everyone had grown quiet, all eyes were on me.
"Does anyone have ideas for some slogans we can use?" I glanced at everyone's faces. "We can incorporate human rights," replied Jitender. Silently thanking her, I turned around and jotted the idea. Twenty minutes later we had completely filled the board with ideas.
Since we had a lot of things to do on the agenda, we distributed roles and got right to work. After receiving the consent from our principal, we began making posters and permission slips for the other youths at the school. Kiran and I set off to create pamphlets.
The day of the protest it rained. However, our purpose was sincere. I looked around; everyone had indescribable joy on their faces. I was glad that I was determined to keep us together because tenacity is an asset. I realized that hard work and team work usually pays off, no matter how hopeless things may get. The whole parade we were all humans on the same side. We chanted the same words over and over. Waheguru Ji ka Khalsa. Waheguru Ji Ki Fateh. God is one. Victory to God.
you didn;t provide a prompt, so i'm just proofreading what i see wrong.
I became increasingly involved with my Punjabi culture ever since I was twelve years old.
do you mean increasing interested?
Through this school...
I was even trained in the basic form of sword fighting, although we used sticks instead of actual swords.
However, not only did the families of those dead loved ones not get compensated but many Sikhs are still in prisons under false accusations.And there is nothing that is being done.
no offense, but while that sounds dramatic and all, its kind of weak and not quiiite so relevant to the sentence before it.
Kiran stopped us and pointed at the date. Our faces dropped. The protest was in two days.
who's Kiran? you could at least say "Kiran, the teacher in charge" or something like that. if you just suddenly introduce the name, it sounds kinda strange. however, i don't know if that actually matters >.>
Although no one in India had even heard about the parade, it had a tenacious effect on all of us.
btw, would you like to check out my essay? (USC essay + NYU short answers)
LOL you sound amazing sword fighting and wrestling? niiiice XD I really like your introduction it really drew me in and made me want to read the rest of your essay.Here are some wording corrections i found:
However, not only did the families of those dead loved ones not get any compensation but many Sikhs are still in prisons under false accusations.
And there is nothing that is being done. sounds awkward Nothing is being done.
In opposition to all this
India, we could still make a huge impact overseas.
Before long , many of the girls began bickering with each other.
purged the board with ideas. i dont think thats the right way to use purge o_o filled maybe? or covered
AIRanimechiic, I just did yours! XD lol Anyway thanks soo much for your input!
@Pieface: ahah, sword fighting is amazingg, you should try it! :)
For the last one i actually did use filled but i thought of trying something different, but i see what you are saying. thanks for your input!
It seems as though you just jump into your experience of learning Punjabi culture. Maybe you could elaborate on why your father proposed your learn about the Sikh religion more.
Your call to action could be the most powerful part of your essay, however it seems vague as you just talk about yelling and marching. Maybe adding in the self-fulfillment you receive from it would really appeal to you audience.
I see what you mean emorris. I will do that pronto!
Thanks for your input!
Sword Fighting and Protesting essay, Common App
Hi everyone, I need a lot of help editing this. I also need help with the ending. Please critique, be harsh! Also i need to cut down on some words because its already like 650 words and it should be 500. THANKS!
Thanks in advance :D
You might want to change "for the Sikh genocide" to "against the Sikh genocide."
This is a beatifully written essay! Shows a lot about your culture.
Hope this helps!
-Saad
PS- mere coincidence- I was listening to a Punjabi mix while writing this :D
You could possibly change this: I became increasingly involved with my Punjabi culture ever since I was twelve years old. My dad had first proposed the idea by saying I should start learning how to write in Punjabi. He did not want me to forget my heritage while adapting into a new one
I began to truly embrace my Punjabi culture at the age of 12. My dad, fearing that I may lose my culture began teaching me to write in Punjabi.
thanks guys!
@Saad, lol im listening to some right now :D
Tenacity is an asset-Common App essay
Hi guys, please edit my essay. I need help with my conclusion, I dont know if its the best. Also i need to bring down the word count. Be harsh! Thanks!!
Actually rather good: I think that the end is rhetorically strong. I'm going to be a bit harsh, so don't worry too much. A few quibbles, in no particular order:
We yelled and marched for something we believed was done wrong.
The sentence should read something like: we yelled and marched against what we believed to be a wrong. I think that this sentence is rather weak, actually: it does not contribute anything, not adding to the atmosphere of the event, or to the reader's understanding of your motivations. It even undersells the depth of that motivation: you felt more than something was 'wrong'. Given that your essay is a little long anyway, you might want to get rid of it.
Is English not your first language? If not it shows:
Our faces dropped = perhaps: Our expressions darkened
And nothing being done = Yet nothing was being done.
Tear jerking = tear-jerking; even better: jarring
I don't like the phrase: 'In opposition to all this'. Try something more feeling, like: 'appalled by this ongoing atrocity'
On the subject of it hurting that Sikhism is not accepted in its own country: explain why it hurt; help me to know how Sikhism is important to you, as you have not really got that across, only that it is important, which doesn't help me pick you out as an individual.
Hope that wasn't too harsh.
Would you mind, or anyone, looking at my CommonApp Essay?
All in all a good essay, but I think it needs more about you: what you learned and why the experience important to you.
I love the last line. It's very unique. Your whole essay is very powerful.
I think "indescribable joy" is a bit vague, though.
"It is the element that gives people a sense of togetherness across many lands." What are the many lands? Describe this a little more, too.
Overall very nice essay. Good luck!
thank you so much!
for indescribable joy, what else can i put in?
wow...
it's a very powerful part.. I really love the ending.. I hope I'm not too late... you probably would have turned it in already, but even if you did, just wanted to say Great Job!
Hope you get in!
good luck!
Hi, i just sent it in to one of my schools. Haha, thanks a lot!!
good luck with yours!
