Hi guys, this is an essay for colgate university Please, evaluate it. Any comment is appreciated. (250 words max)
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What are three words that your best friend would use to describe you and why?
Out of all the pieces of the words, I believe adamantly that my best friend will describe me in these three words: tenacity, humility, and responsibility. Frankly, these words completely depict a holistic picture of my own life; and this can be spotlighted from three obvious situations.
First of all, when I was first-year student in STEM school, I got abominable grades in the first semester even though I was doing my best. Consequently, I asked a sophomore about the strategies and the references he used to pass with high grades. It was tough to jump from "B" score to "B+" in one semester. But according to the spirit of perseverance and unaccepting of the failure, I did it.
Secondly, when I was in the garment campaign to provide the poor people with cloths to their children, I was an OC with some other mates. It was extremely appealing to incorporate in such charity work. My role was to show them the pieces of cloths and, without exaggeration, the picturesque thing on them. I wasn't arrogant with any of them and even I took with them souvenir photos.
Lastly, when my father died in 2007, I was young but my role was essential and indispensable. I was working in pharmacy with my pal, bishoy, who has the same circumstances; I was responsible for cleaning the floor and he was arranging the medicines. The money I get were always and undoubtedly go to the budget of the home for helping.
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Steven, you are putting words into your friend's mouth. Do not speak for your friend. Allow your friend to speak for himself. The words used to describe you have nothing to do with "adamantly" believing how your friend will describe you. This is a statement that has to be written from the second person point of view, or even third person point of view. Besides, why are you adamant about something that you cannot be sure of? Are you absolutely sure your friends would describe you using those 3 words?
Remember, the essay is trying to help you present the type of friend and community member you will be to the reviewer. This is all about how you get along with people. Not your perception of your best character traits. Tenacity, humility, and responsibility are all words YOU use to describe yourself. Those are not the words that describe you as a friend or community member who knows how to work with other people and get along with them. This is about figuring out if your character, in relation to social settings, will be something that can blend well with the existing community, or help to improve the student community experience of the other students who will come into contact with you.
The best way to write this essay is to have a friend actually write about you. Give the friend a copy of the prompt statement. Ask him to give 3 words to describe you and why he chose those words. Then, write is from a second person point of view. That way you appropriately describe yourself to the reviewer, without influencing the essay comments as you do in this version. That is how this response statement should be framed.