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'Tennis -- determination and perseverance' - Common App Short

rezwan3 7 / 19 4  
Nov 1, 2012   #1
Of all sports, tennis fascinates me the most: both for its edge-of-the-seat excitement in terms of speed, strength, strategy and stamina and for the amalgamation of individual and collective success that it demands. Coming into my life in my sophomore year, tennis has infused determination and perseverance in me. After long tiring practices, I learned the apparent affiliation between hardwork and success. Those long bus rides after winning games, and losing others, showed me the true importance of the comfort and joy we had felt in the company of each other rather than the outcome of the game. Over the years, by holding onto my own playing style, I understood that even in daily life, maintaining my sense of self instead of constantly trying to mold to that of others helped me retain my self-identity.
blquandt 9 / 23  
Nov 2, 2012   #2
While this essay definitely gets across your passion for tennis, it has a few fixable flaws.

~In the first three sentences, you use overly complex diction that often detracts from the point you are trying to make. Cut down on the amount and complexity of words and you will have a stronger essay. Doing this will also free up more characters to write more about how much you love tennis.

~The sentence fragment "Those long bus rides after winning games, and losing others," could use some fixing. Using the word "Those" implies you were talking about the subject, "long bus rides," previously, so you might want to cut out "Those." Also, you might want to cut out the commas after "games" and "others." Later on in the sentence, you use the word "we" without it referring to anything; this can be fixed by adding something about the team in the "long bus rides" phrase or by changing the word "we" to "my team."

~The term"own playing style" in this use is somewhat vague. If you define your playing style sometime previously you essay will conclude on a higher note.

~You should have a teacher check your essay for grammatical errors as well, just to be safe.

With these small issues fixed, I'm sure your essay will be great!

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