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Tennis, MATCH POINT - Common app essay of your choice



olawunmi8 1 / 3  
Dec 16, 2009   #1
I need everyones opinion on the common app essay of your choice..ENJOY and please critique

6-4! 2-6! 5-6! 15-40! and soon to be MATCH POINT on my serve. All of this crammed into my mind as my opponent and I walked towards our seats during our five minute break. All along I thought I could beat this 5 ft 2, one hundred and thirty-pound girl who looked as though she was confused. Instead, her incessant aces and powerful forehand winners overpowered my six years of experience. I knew I couldn't be kicked out of the first round, I just couldn't. Winning the first round match is the first step to the finals, but that wasn't on my mind at the moment. Instead, I should have been thinking about how I would get myself back in the match. All I could think about was 15-40; Game!

Although we were on a five minute break, my mind was still on the go. All I can think about was the match but also about a similar situation I encountered. Last year, I had an internship at the reputable United Nations. Not only was I chosen to participate in this once in a lifetime opportunity, I was able to work with an eclectic mix of twelve peers who were also interested in international affairs. As we all began working, everything seemed as though it was an ordinary job, nothing too strenuous. Unfortunately the "work" I was doing soon changed.

March came and elementary school students began having their model United Nations assimilations. Although we were told this was going to be an arduous month, I didn't believe it. With what we had been doing, working with children wouldn't be hard at all. But the day of the conference came, and to my astonishment, nothing came easy. Children were dispersed through out the halls while more children entered. The chronic screams and disorderly conduct were a complete surprise to me. Soon enough our eight-hour day ended and the stress we went through was all over, so we thought.

More and more assimilations were being planned and they were all pertinent to students who were in middle and elementary school. But why? Have we not suffered enough? It didn't matter, because this was what we signed up for. Next thing we knew, our next assimilation had arrived. The loud voices of the students echoed through the halls while more and more students came following in their footsteps. This internship soon became tedious and I felt as though it was a waste of my time. I felt I came here to work with respectable delegates and discuss international affairs, not work with unorganized children. But in reality, you have to start from the bottom to work your way to the top. But this internship was too much for me and I wanted to quit. How would I look quitting an internship that many students would die for ? I had to find some way to get through this without stressing myself. So I began taking initiatives which in turn helped me control as many students as I could. Even though I focused on maintaining a small group, that group had respect for me and followed all of my instructions. Fighting through this showed that I had the fortitude and perseverance to overcome any situation.

Although it was five minutes, this experience vividly reflected through my mind. Coming into this tournament, I thought the first round would be easy. And looking at my opponent made my head inflate even more. But I was wrong and I had to find a way to fight through this match just like I did at my internship. Knowing I could control a small group of students, why couldn't I be in control of this match? Next thing you know, "TIME" was called by the umpire. As I stepped to the baseline, all eyes were on me. There was complete silence around the court. I knew I had to find something in me to help me get through this. As I began to serve, the gleaming eyes of the girl penetrated me. "Second serve!" the umpire yelled. This was it. If I double faulted, the match would be over for me and all my hopes would be destroyed. My stomach began to flutter, but I tightened my grip and tossed the ball. Ace! I breathed a sigh of relief and I knew I still had a chance. The match led to a tiebreak. My nerves were gone, and I knew anyone at this point could win.

My opponent and I worked for every point even though I felt she was the harder hitter. But yet I couldn't fathom the outcome. As I walked off the court, all I could do was smile with happiness because I knew tomorrow I was going to be playing in the second round.

ryanclare 2 / 7  
Dec 16, 2009   #2
as a tennis player, I understand the terminology that you are using in your first paragraph, but to anyone else it may be confusing. on the whole, the essay is very cluttered and hard to get through. i like the idea of connecting your internship with the UN to your tennis game, but so far it is very confusing. try reading it out loud.
OP olawunmi8 1 / 3  
Dec 18, 2009   #3
ok thanks. I will definately read it to myself. Anyone else?
meisj0n 8 / 214  
Dec 18, 2009   #4
tense. make sure you get it consistent.

More and more assimilations were being planned

simulations? what are assimilations?
As Ryan said, focus more on one topic? though it's great that you did both tennis and volunteering, you don't seem all that positive about it? these seem like arduous assignment/goals.

I wanted to quit. How would I look quitting an internship that many students would die for ? I had to find some way to get through this without stressing myself.

again, somewhat negative. make it seem more open about yourself, with less about you quitting.

Next thing you know, "TIME" was called by the umpire.

I didnt know tennis had umpires :o guess I learned something new.

Ace! I breathed a sigh of relief and I knew I still had a chance. The match led to a tiebreak. My nerves were gone, and I knew anyone at this point could win.

I like the intensity of your words, but it's not that consistent. Seems like your all for tennis, but not so much for you UN simulations.

My opponent and I worked for every point even though I felt she was the harder hitter.

what about her being a hard hitter?

Comments: I liked the ideas, but they somewhat don't connect. maybe a better transition between the two topics? one that's more involved and rational? another thing, tense makes it somewhat a harder read.

6-4! 2-6! 5-6! 15-40! and soon to be MATCH POINT on my serve.

how does that work with your first round? best of three sets yea? the exclamations somewhat distract here. same with the CAPS. >_> isn't 15-40 matchpoint already for this other girl? and why mention her weight? haha.

Overall, great idea. edits with Ryan's comment in mind.
OP olawunmi8 1 / 3  
Dec 20, 2009   #5
thanxs...will change


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