I haven't decided if its okay or not
because i am not good at criticizing my own essays. Any feedback and advice will be greatly appreciated.. THANKS!
PROMPT:Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?
I am many things, but a public speaker is not one of them. I cannot move a crowd with my words, and my stuttering will most definitely not motivate anyone to join me in a revolution.The fingers on both of my hands are not enough to count the times I have said "what if" instead "oh well" to myself because I have let my stage fright interfere with many opportunities I have had to make my voice be heard. For example, throughout my high school career, I have considered running for student body president, then that thought vanished because running for student body president requires writing a speech and delivering it in front of the whole school in a way that will persuade them to vote for me, and that is not something I wanted to do. I did, however, manage to unintentionally to make my voice be heard in a different, more harmonious way.
I joined the school's choir in fifth grade as a joke, and not once did I think it would become a big part of my life. I did not have the voice of an angel, I had never been on stage, and most importantly, I did not know how to read music. Yet, I stayed, and as I found out over time, being in choir and learning how to read music actually improved my health and helped me develop in other subjects I did not even think were correlated with music.
I was hospitalized for bronchitis at the age of six, and have had asthma ever since. As a result, I never participated in any activities that strained me physically. However, when I joined the choir, with all the breathing exercises and stretches we do for warm ups, asthma became the least of my worries, thus improving my health. On the same note, I have a history of anxiety attacks, but because I joined the choir, I have learned how to relieve stress through singing. In addition, my math improved because while reading music, you have to naturally be good at fractions, while at the same time, my English improved because while singing in a group it is important to enunciate, or else the audience will not understand our words.
Now that I am at the end of my high school career, I am thankful to my old self for joining choir when I did, or else I would have never gathered the courage to audition for a solo in an upcoming winter concert with the choir I am currently in, scheduled for this December. I hope to use everything I have learned over the years to make this as perfect as I aspire it to be, because while I cannot move an audience with my spoken words, I will induce emotion with my singing.
Leslie, I don't understand why you are worried about this essay. It is a very good essay that really shows the depth of your accomplishments as a choir member on a deeper level than simply getting over your stage fright. You have shown the reader a number of perfectly good reasons to be proud of what you did because it all relates to your improvement as a person. From overcoming your stuttering, to improving your health, being a member of the choir has certainly done you well. In my opinion, you should just complete a grammar check on this essay and then submit it with the rest of your essay apps :-) Make sure you have made the essay the best that it can be because as far as I can see, it has reached perfection in terms of your needs.
