" "I am among those who think that science has great beauty. A scientist in his laboratory is not only a technician: he is also a child placed before natural phenomena which impress him like a fairy tale." It has always been a dream to be a scientist. Whenever I encountered a scientific name and I read that it was named after its discoverer, I say to myself "when will I read my name in this book?". Perhaps the time has arrived as my four years journey to college is about to start. I want my name to be written on the tablets of history.
a tad bit short, but i think its good so far. keep it up
"I am among those who think that science has great beauty. A scientist in his laboratory is not only a technician: he is also a child placed before natural phenomena which impress him like a fairy tale."- Marie Curie. If I was allowed just one chance of a confession this quote would apply itself almost directly to me. I find pleasure in science and performing chemical experiments. My desired major is pharmacy as l find it more imaginative than theoretical . I have the dream to be a scientist. I want my name to be written on the tablets of history. Whenever I encountered a scientific name and I read that it was named after its discoverer, I say to myself "when will I read my name in this book". Perhaps the time has arrived as my four years journey to college is about to start.
that's my final version of the introduction...is it lengthy...should i save the last three sentences for the conclusion..and what are my weak points...and what should come next...
Please help me do it step by step cause the last time i did a 850 words personal statement i recieved alot of critiques for it as i went offtopic...
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that's what i've done so far... is there anything i missed or should add... did i go offtopic...i need your feedback...
p.s. i still didn't write the conclusion..i'm writing it based on your critiques
You use too many words. For instance, consider how much can be cut from your first paragraph:
"If I was allowed just one chance of a confessionT his quote would applyappliesitself almost directly to me. I have the dream to beof becoming a scientist. I find pleasure inenjoy science and performing chemical experiments; that's why I want to engage inI am especially drawn to pharmacy, as I find itwhich is more imaginativepractical than theoretical. I want my name to be written on the tablets of history. Whenever I encountered a scientific name and I read that it was named after its discoverer, I say to myself "when will I read my name in this book."
Try to revise the whole essay for conciseness.
I went through the whole essay cutting what i felt is unnecessary... if there is anything i still need to trim ..please let me now.. waiting eagerly for your feedbacks :)..
I learned to live with people of different ethinciites; Common App
I come from a society in which several cultures prosper; therefore I have learned to live with people of different ethnicities, religion and cultural backgrounds. In Egypt I was taught to deal with other perceptions and opinions with respect and harmony. Although I know it might sound unusual but it is something I do, I love to debate myself. I love to express one view and the opposing one.My focal talent is theatre acting, I tend to plant myself in a state of mind where I disregard my real identity & have the capability of disguising myself as the character which should be played.
It would be a pleasure to be able to merge with even more ethnicities, expand my social circle, and participate in sports and activities in order to enjoy my new life at England. I want to accomplish my goals and harvest success. I will continue to pursue in pharmacy and graduation won't be the end for my education, it will be the beginning of my road to being a successful pharmacist as my grandfather wanted.
i don't want to seem demanding ..but i will really appreciate if you help me..cause the deadline is today and i'm freaking out right now :S
This is just an idea, not necessary if you don't like it:
I will continue to study pharmacy, and graduation won't be the end of my education; it will be the beginning of my road to being a success as a pharmacist -- which is what my grandfather wanted.
Good job on this! I think it's great.
its 587 wordsa..maximum is 500 words.. I NEED HELP PLEAASEE
Once told my teacher that I will change the world; she replied laughing, "to better or to worse"? Unlike all other students in my grade, I have enjoyed the chemistry class more than the PE class. I have the dream of becoming a scientist. I enjoy science and chemical experiments. I am especially drawn to pharmacy, which is more practical than theoretical. I want my name to be written on the tablets of history. Whenever I encountered a scientific name and I read that it was named after its discoverer, I ask myself "when will I read my name in this book?" .I took my teacher's words as a motivation, and one day I would prove to her and the whole world that I will.
Since I was a young boy I loved the feeling of helping animals. One of my child hood dreams was having my own show on "Animal Planet". This love eventually developed into the love of helping people. To me, a pharmacist is a person who brings ease and comfort to people. On the other hand I enjoy studying Chemistry and Biology and I have scored straight "A"s in both subjects during high school. I chose Biochemistry as my intended major as it is a combination between both subjects together as it's the chemistry of the human body. In Biochemistry I would be able to explore God's miracles in his creation. On my grandfather's dying bed, his last wish was that I become a pharmacist. Of course I will never let him down. I don't want to be just an ordinary pharmacist but a one who will make a change.
I stumble on pleasure in extracurricular activities, working with a crowd always keeps me determined and motivated. For instance, I joined "Of People to People International" which is an organization where we work as one group to learn various aspects of a country ranging for government activities to sports. This activity helped me to understand the workings of different cultures around the world and has also helped in honing my leadership skills. Soccer too plays an important role in my life, as I have been training for the last eight years. I won the school league four times. As a matter of fact, I decided to pass on what I had learned to the next generation; therefore, I coached elementary students for soccer as an extracurricular activity.
I come from a society in which several cultures prosper; therefore I have learned to live with people of different ethnicities, religion and cultural backgrounds. In Egypt I was taught to deal with other perceptions and opinions with respect and harmony. Although I know it might sound unusual but it is something I do, I love to debate myself. I love to express one view and the opposing one. My focal talent is theatre acting, I tend to plant myself in a state of mind where I disregard my real identity & have the capability of disguising myself as the character which should be played.
It would be a pleasure to be able to merge with even more ethnicities, expand my social circle, and participate in sports and activities with Universities that give me an opportunity to express myself in order to enjoy my new life at Arizona. I want to accomplish my goals and harvest success. Graduation won't be the end for my education; it will be the beginning of the road of fulfilling my dream of being a successful pharmacist as my grandfather wanted.
The way to cut down the word count is to make the paragraphs more solid. That's why I suggested that you should break it up into ideas. For example your second paragraph starts off by talking about wanting to help animals and be on animal planet, but at the end you are talking about your grandfather's dying wishes. Each paragraph should be a SINGLE thought.
Well, a paragraph can involve a few thoughts, but it should have one main thought at its center.
Choose your themes for the paragraphs. Make a decision for each paragraph. When you know a paragraph's theme, make sure the first and last sentence are related. When you find sentences that are about different topics, move them to another paragraph or delete them.
It will be easy to get down within that word count.