Thriving in a competitive marching band; Stanford - Intellectual Essay

Stanford students possess an intellectual vitality. Reflect on an idea or experience that has been important to your intellectual development.

Thriving in a competitive marching band played a major role in my life as a student. During my freshman year in the marching band, the band director gathered her students and told us that she wanted us to win a position in the semifinals of the Bands of America Grand National Championships, an honor that less than ten schools within hundreds of miles have received. Her passion siphoned within the entire band and, as the season progressed, that opportunity to seize such an honor became a pivotal part in all of our lives. That November, we lost. In a 1 hundred point system, the difference between our performance and semifinals was a decimal. Next season, we came back with more passion, with our heads held high, and we failed again, however, finally, on our third attempt, we won a semifinals appearance and the three year journey that required over 1 thousand hours of dedication, shaped the basic principles to who I am. I am willing to spend obscene hours to accomplish a goal, I will set meaningful goals, and I will forge on after set backs. In my leisure time, I watched a two hour debate, led by Neil Degrasse Tyson, a famous astrophysicist, on string theory. The complexity of their jargon astounded me and I quickly gained interest in the field and wanted to be a part of innovations, discoveries, and science. Tyson talked about how science can inspire an entire nation, about how when Neil Armstrong took his first step on the moon, people were proud to be an American. I feel that with my talent in science and math, my work ethic gained from the band, and my passion to aid in the next innovation that inspires millions of people again, I can make something big happen.

Be mean with the critique please, also do you guys believe this follows the prompt?

Thanks in advance.

I don't think your experience in band really contributed to your intellectual development or at least it's not clear when I read it. Additionally, when you talk about how you watched the debate, it seemed really abrupt and out of place. I didn't really understand how you experience in band relates to that. If there is connection you need to make it more clear. Lastly your ending "I can make something big happen" is a little anti-climactic and unclear. Work on changing that.

If you have chance, take a look at my Stanford Supplement, the intellectual vitality one...I'm trying to cut it down.

--> The red highlighted part is unnecessary. The words FEEL weakens ur concluding sentence. Take it off and START the sentence from With my talent because it makes the sentence more cleaner and stronger. U should also expand on how it influenced ur intellectual development (use compare and contrast)... that is, how u were BEFORE and how that experience has changed ur work ethic and r thinking NOW.

I looked at yours and I agree with what you said.

This essay was for another prompt that was loosely related and I was hoping I wouldn't have to write a new one :(. Looks like I'm going to have to go back to the drawing board, thanks for your read :P.

Perhaps you could disagree with Tyson, and say instead science makes people feel proud to be a human, how science breaks down national barriers.

From across the Pond :P

I have learned, through my marching band experience, that defeat is something to embrace. It is a wall that life puts in front of people in order to show them how much they want something and how much a human can accomplish with the proper mindset.

Overall, much better. I actually liked it a lot. But it ends really abruptly. I suggest adding one more sentence in the end, something about how you will never shy away from difficulty or embrace challenge for the rest of your life.

Look at my BU essay, if you have the chance.