For some, it's politics or sports or reading. For others, it may be researching solar power fuel cells or arranging hip-hop mash-ups. What makes you tick? (200-250 words)
I am running. Running to be first, running to achieve. I am breathless but I won't give up, I am too close now, I feel the throbbing of my appendix in my belly, it starts hurting."Hold on" I say to myself. Almost... And I am there!
-In the printing center exactly 3 minutes before the printing deadline It set.
I reach out my hand with the usb stick and say "2000 copies please". Watching the incredulous look that starts to shape photocopier's features, is one of my favorite parts of creating a monthly newspaper. As he grumbles indistinctly, I grin and say "Yess, it's that time of the month."
Unlike the grumpy photocopy guy, 2000 members of my high school, don't irk with the sight of our exotic French-German newspaper: "Die Langues Des Welt". Quite the contrary they seem to read it and especially enjoy our cultural articles such as "German vs Turks: The Dönerkebab Fights". But its only me who loves the creation of this newspaper so profoundly and I must say it is purely out of selfish intentions. This newspaper enables me to merge everything I like in approximately 40 silky A5 papers and I feel like a spoiled child who can have all the toys, without choosing. I am a non-Prada wearing editor, an artsy page layout designer, a researcher, a trilingual thinker, and an advocate of my culture in a brand new language. With all these "Des Langues Die Welt" merges my many mini "tickings" into a one loud song and lulls the insatiable monster inside me.
what do you think, thanks in advance.
Yvonne,
You have a great vision,but clearly there are some grammar issues:
e.g."(2000 copies per each please", ) -"per each" is redundant.Just write"2000 copies please"
-"To my luck having all this alltogether enables me to merge my many mini "tickings" into a one laud(loud0 song and lull the insatiable monster inside me.'-("To my luck" does not exist .)
-Also,why so much of that foreign language(German?)It's quite distracting.Try to write in english all the way.
Good luck:)
I fixes some things this is the 2nd Version, Is there any other grammatical errors to fix? I cant spot them so easily because english is my second language.
How about the effect that inspires, Is it any good?
[i]I am running. Running to be first, running to achieve. I am breathless but I won't give up, I am too close now, I feel the throbbing of my appendix in my belly, it starts hurting."Hold on" I say to myself. Almost... And I am there!
-In the print center exactly 3 minutes before the printing deadline It set.
I reach out my hand with the usb stick and say "2000 copies please". It's one of my favorite parts of the creating a monthly newspaper, observing the look that starts to shape the features of the photocopier. He grumbles indistinctly ,I grin and say "Yes, it is the that time of the month".
Unlike the grumpy photocopy guy, two...
its the last edited version i added few personalizations i would really appreciate some editing
hi! New here. I will chime in though. The piece feels and reads more like a stream of consciousness. Very emotive, but difficult to follow. I think you need to evaluate each sentence and decide if it makes a complete thought and determine whether it leads logically to the next.
-Leah
In the print center
In the printing centre
It's one of my favorite parts of the creating a monthly newspaper, observing the look that starts to shape the features of the photocopier. Watching the incredulous look on the photocopier's face, gives me immense satisfaction (you can choose another word).
He grumbles indistinctly ,I grin and say "Yes, it is the that time of the month". As he grumbles indistinctly, I grin and say "Yes, it's that time of the month"
(aka "Die Döner Kriege" is an article that is a product of my unchained hunger
I do not understand what you intend to say here.
But it's me who literally relishes with the creation of this newspaper. But it's me who profusely relishes the creation of this newspaper.
merge into a one laud
do you mean "loud"?
it symbols the thirst for creation and knowledge that inhabits me It symbolizes the thirst for creation and knowledge that inhabits me
hope this helps :)
I think you need to evaluate each sentence and decide if it makes a complete thought and determine whether it leads logically to the next.
hope this helps :)
THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR HELPING,i got 4 day left for my deadline and that's why i bit stressed
PS: "insatiable monster" mentioned above is not a metaphor for the cookie monster, or a vampire It symbolizes the thirst for creation and knowledge that inhabits me.
Hi Yvonne, I wanted to thank you for using the UNANSWERED list to help people who had not gotten responses. I saw some great work you did in another thread, so I clicked over to this one.
Hey, let's fix some run on sentences here:
I am breathless, but I won't give up; I am too close now. I feel the throbbing of my appendix in my belly, and it starts hurting.
(I know you are allowed poetic license for this, but I like it better with this kind of punctuation.)
"Hold on," I say to myself. Almost... And I am there!
... before the printing deadline It set.--- what is up with this: It
Hey! I love it... now that I read the essay, I understand it and really appreciate it.
I suggest shortening the beginning a lot, like this:
I am running. Running to be first, running to achieve. I am breathless but I won't give up, I am too ...
I think less info makes it more intriguing. Just my idea. Also, let's change "in" to "into"---into the printing center...
Thank you Kevin, i fixed my essay in accordance with your suggestions.
i really appreciate your contribution.
