Ties, Girls and Universal Primary Education. Common App Essay.

Hey, below is the essay i intend to submit with my Common Application. I am applying to Princeton, Stanford and Cornell and intend to major in engineering. Do you think it is appropriate? Please read it and give your critique, it will be highly appreciated. :)

Prompt: Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

Ties, Girls and Universal Primary Education.
I stand still; put aback by the sheer magnitude of the endeavor. Uneasily readjusting my tie, I try and gain composure. The room is silent; pregnant with anticipation. All eyes are on me. I begin to speak, but end up choking on my words; a false start. I let out a nervous chuckle, exuding pseudo-confidence. My eyes dart from side to side as I examine my audience, looking for a familiar face, searching for reassurance. The attempt is futile. It's now or never. With a final exhalation, I begin my argument. This time, I do not choke on my words; the fluidity of my presentation encourages me to project my voice further. I ease into the body of my speech with the poise of a professional. The voice coming out of the public address system can't possibly be mine. I sound convincing. Time for my resolution expires and I return to my seat; pleased. This is the East African Model United Nations.

Many of my friends find my commitment to the Model United Nations peculiar. They do not understand how year after year I sacrifice my time, resources and mental capacity to the same club. In fact many a boy in my year has questioned the motives of my involvement; suggesting that it is just a clever ploy to hit on girls or perhaps that am just interested in the vanity of dressing up in formal ware for a week. However, to understand my dedication to this club requires one to go beyond the superficial, to the very essence of the program: a forum through which the young generation can have their go at confronting the issues facing the world. It is in this facet of the program that I gain my gratification.

It is often said that the youth are the leaders of tomorrow. However, with M.U.N., I get to exercise the power to deliberate on issues as I see fit today. My opinion matters and is in fact sought after. I get a chance to employ public speaking, group communication, research, policy analysis, active listening, negotiating and conflict resolution to a current issue affecting the world. It is the ultimate validation of self-worth when a resolution you wrote is seen as fit for adoption by the General Assembly and it is even more pleasing when a heated debate ensues in the conference about the merits and demerits of a particular operative clauses you suggested. The flow of intellectual acuity is evident throughout the forum and without a doubt we all leave more knowledgeable and conscious as pertains international relations and the problems facing the world.

Through M.U.N., I have not found the answers to life's questions and neither have I fronted solutions to all the world's problems. No. I however have truly gained a multi-dimensional perception towards life in general through this program; appreciation of human rights together with tolerance towards diversity, awareness of the ethical dilemmas that come with most scientific advancements as well as the conflict of interest that many states face when involved in bilateral and multilateral political, social and economic relations.

You will therefore see me in M.U.N. next February. I may be expanding my mental capacity by discussing issues of international importance, nervously readjusting my tie as I try not to let the assembly's size demoralize me or perhaps I will be exercising my reasoning ability to formulate feasible methods of achieving universal primary education. And if I get the numbers of some attractive girls in the process, well that's just an added advantage.

Thanks... :)

Wow! I don't think I've read a better essay on this forum. This is very impressive.

Just one thing:
The prompt says, "...a significant experience...".
I might be wrong, but I think it means "one" significant experience. You, however, are describing the overall experience of being in M.U.N.

IMO, it would have been better to talk about one particular experience you've had in M.U.N.
Again, this is just my opinion. You can disagree.

These are the 2 semi-colons you should keep.
my words; a false start.
This time, I do not choke on my words; the fluidity of my ...
You should change the other semi-colons in the first paragraph to commas.

Google around about the correct use of semi-colons, since you seem to like them so much!! I like them, too.

Ha ha, now THIS is a good sentence to use at the start of the essay. I almost want to tell you to chop that whole confusing first paragraph so that this second paragraph will become paragraph 1.

Your para #1 is confusing!! But para #2 will make a great intro, I think!
:-)

And if you do that, the intro para will end with this excellent, memorable thesis: a forum through which the young generation can have their go at confronting the issues facing the world. It is in this facet of the program that I gain my gratification.

Try to read the essay as if for the first time, and start at the top of para #2. You'll probably see what I mean. If you chop the first paragraph, you can make room for a bit more discussion.

Hi.

Coincidentally, I have decided to open up my essay with an opening imagery too! But have decided to cut it, well, like Kevin said, for more discussion. It is painful to drop but sometimes you need to do it.


Have you really shown what EAMUN is all about in your first paragraph?

Talk about what you have learned, how you have changed by describing the person you used to be, etc..


I think you need to cut this too, since you don't have them.

I am really admire your commitment to the club, since I quit my club due to the lack of interest (commitment =p). Well, who them what you've got!

G L~

Thanks for the comment. I actually had an issue with whether it was suitable for the prompt. Fortunately, common app gives you several prompts from which you select one. They are :

- Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

- Discuss some issue of personal, local, national, or international concern and its importance to you.

- Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.

- Describe a character in fiction, a historical figure, or a creative work (as in art, music, science, etc.) that has had an influence on you, and explain that influence.

- A range of academic interests, personal perspectives, and life experiences adds much to the educational mix. Given your personal background, describe an experience that illustrates what you would bring to the diversity in a college community or an encounter that demonstrated the importance of diversity to you.

- Topic of your choice.

They encourage you to try and fit your essay into one of the 5 direct prompt before rushing into the 'topic of your choice' one. I am not sure which would be most appropriate. Thanks again.


Haha. I just throw them in when something doesn't sound right. I will google them though. My last grammar class was about 2 years ago. lol!


OMG! you are so right. Then I can build up the body a bit more. I think I will do that. I guess I took the whole 'captivating intro' a tad overboard. lol!!


I though this will make me seem more... real? I mean I do not want to come off as saying that MUN should replace all world governments because we are so awesome. Does that make any sense at all? lol!!


Lol!! Thanks. Though I think the vanity of formal wear ( I love ties) and the girls are what has kept the interest at such an elevated level... :)

Ha haha, well sometimes you have the energy of inspiration as you write, and it gets into the prose. I think you started by writing the first paragraph, but you were not inspired. By the end of the first paragraph, you settled into that energized mind of inspiration... Many of my friends find my commitment to the Model United Nations peculiar...