Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
One my most memorable experiences from high school is Debate. My freshman year, my partner and I advanced to the elimination rounds at state - the top 16 - a fairly impressive accomplishment for anyone. For me, though, it meant much more that just a few rounds of success. I have a speech impediment. Every speech I made was a struggle. Every win was a triumph; every loss bitterly disappointing. Many times during the season I told myself to quit, that it would be easier that way. Now, the stakes were higher. I was horribly nervous - what if I messed up? How could I face my partner? Yet here I was, standing in front of a somewhat intimidating crowd, ready to start round. "Georgia and Ukraine..." I mumbled. To my surprise, words came out smoothly on my first attempt. My confidence went up. "... are two nations attempting to obtain membership action plans from NATO." And thus went the rest of the round. I wasn't perfect - I had occasional pauses, the intermittent repeat - but it was nevertheless something I was proud of. As I waited impatiently in the cafeteria for my results, I reflected on the reason. Debate had been grueling to be sure, but few, if any, high schoolers in my position would have done what I did. I learned a lot about facing my fears; I had done what frightened me most, public speaking, every other week for the past few months. I learned to try to get past my losses and bad moments and focus on what I had to do. I learned about hard work and preparation; I remembered very well the time I had spent in front of a mirror rehearsing my opening lines, trying to get them just right, hoping that all my work would eventually pay off. I learned that if I tried hard enough, I could really find success in anything. Here I was, already one of the 16 best debaters in the state, waiting to see if I would go any further. Suddenly my thoughts were interrupted by an amplified voice - results! The announcer started by reading off the teams who had not advanced, instructing them to please come accept their trophies. Time seemed to slow down as he read off names. "Century HZ. Stillwater CM. Minnehaha RT." The names kept coming. Finally, seven teams down. Then - "Eastview GP". I got up, disappointment filling my stomach, to accept the plaque. As I thought about my season, though, I remembered all that I had gained from debate. I smiled. Regardless of the results, this past season was something I could be proud of.
If I'm allowed to make paragraph breaks I would split up a few things but overall the words would be more or less the same. I'd like some feedback especially about the general kind of feel of the essay: is it too epiphany-ish? Should I add more details about the actual round? Am I too brief? Not brief enough? I'm at 450 words so I space to work either way and still be within the suggested range.
Thanks for reading.
I like your essay. It's really interesting how you felt during the whole competition and how you took it at the end.
Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
But there is one part of the prompt you don't effectively talk about. How did it impact you? It seems like majority of the essay is talking about your experience, but you only devote 2-3 sentences on how it impacted you. Condense what you have to say about your experience, and expand more on how it impacted you.
Good luck with your app!
Oh, and can you give my Cornell Human Ecology Essay a read?
The potential for this essay is great but the execution needs more work. I suggest you rearrange the beginning.
One of my most memorable experiences from high school is Debate. <--This sentence is very bland for an opener.
It would be better if you use imagery to start the essay. Describe the setting, how you felt getting up on the stage, the expectations, etc. Then tell the audience that the stakes were much higher for you because of your speech impediment. I think the first two sentences can be taken out altogether and then the subsequent lines should be reworked in an intro paragraph manner.
I also agree with makman09. The readers are looking more towards how your debate experience impacted you. Focus more on that as well...if you can.
I hope I made sense. Please feel free to ask if I didn't. Could you please take a look at mine?
