"As times goes by + parents struggle" - I have two personal statements to choose

Staring outside the window watching the scenery passing by. Butterflies in my stomach, eagerness wandering in my eyes. As I stared at the clock ,the time went so slow. I wondered when I was going to reach the airport. As we arrived , tears began to roll down my eyes, the thought of being away from my family for so many months tortured me on the inside. The last words I heard from him were "Have fun, be safe, and remember I love you..." While sitting in the plane the only thing I was thinking about was how much fun it was going to be once we got there.

Laughing and joking around with my cousins I received a call. When I picked up all I heard was "Grandpa's in the hospital , we don't know if he will survive, just pray he dies so he is free from all the pain he is going through in the life line that is holding him alive..." those words pierced my heart, I wanted to know what was going on... I dropped the phone , fell to the floor, So many questions running in my head. How did this happen, Why did this happen, Is he going to be ok... I wanted to come back home. tears rolled down my eyes. When I look all around me I noticed I was the only one standing there in the room. Feeling lost and tying to find a way out of the problem. I asked god why did you do this, What did he do to you, why him. The last words that came out of my mouth was god please be with him and let him be ok.

As days passed my heart sunk, I wanted to know if he was fine. A couple days went by, and one day I received a phone call ,my dad says sweetie he is no more. I felt the earth shake from below me. I felt like I was in a whole new world where nothing was the same. It felt as if the world had stopped, time froze as I stood there looking at the phone. I screamed " you're lying to me, please tell me this is a joke..." I told my dad I was scared and that I wanted to come home. He said I am coming there is no need to be afraid. A couple of days later I saw my dad and my grandma come to India. I ran as fast as i could and hugged my grandma. Because I was hurt, but I knew she was hurting even more because she lost her husband who she has been with for 56 years.

People say "as time flies you have to learn how to let go of things." Loosing someone you looked up to you learn to realize that nothing in this world will last forever. There are things you have to learn to let go of. I learned from him how to make every day the best because you never know there might never be a tomorrow.

... ...

I have seen my parents struggle, strive, and thrive on the limited resources and opportunities, which motivated me to follow my dreams. They tell me to do what makes me happy, and also correct me when I am wrong. When I say I can't do it, they say if you are giving your hundred percent, give your hundred and one percent, because only you can do it. My weakness has to be not taking "No" for an answer. I always give my 100% in whatever I do. I am curious, passionate, and determined. I always try to find a way I can give back to the community. I help with car washes, making food for the homeless, and raise money for countries that needed money, like Pakistan.

One dream I always had was to become a lawyer , I want to pursue a career in which I can be able to give back to the community. I have leadership qualities that a University requires. My sophomore year I received the Student of the Year award. This award recognizes my talent to speak two languages and stay top in all my classes. Every Sunday I volunteer at the West Sacramento Gurudawara teaching children how to speak, read and write in Punjabi. I have volunteered KVIE since 7th grade till now by answering phone calls for KVIE's phone banks. At my school I have showed leadership qualities by starting a Desi club my Junior Year and I was the president both my junior and senior year. Desi Club is a student body club to encourage and to share different cultural backgrounds.

Change has been the one main target in my life. While watching innocent people suffer in India because they don't have enough money to afford a lawyer has changed me completely. I used to only think only about myself. When I went to India for vacation, I noticed how hard it is to fight for your right because of how poor or rich you are. The rich people can easily afford a lawyer in India, yet the poor struggle to afford a lawyer. No one to fight their case because they are not getting paid how much they wa and that is where I want to help. I don't want to see people not get their rights because they are not getting paid how much they want.

One of the major changes i faced in my life was going from a public school to a private school. Having gone to public schools all my life, it was a dramatic change when I had to switch to a private school my freshman year. I had never been to private school so the environment and the small class sizes seemed a little different. Adjusting to the environment was a little bit difficult. I was not used to the rules that they followed, but I quickly learned how to adjust in a new environment. Having experienced a move from a public school setting to a private school setting, I can adapt without compromising what is important to me while learning from each new setting.

I have a passion to help people who need my help, and I think that is what makes me unique in the law field. Recently a student at our school named Randy Abadilla, passed away from a tragically incident that took place when he was out with his family for vacation. I took the initiative to raise money for his family who desperately needed it during their time of loss, I along with fellow students and staff members raised about 1,278 dollars for his family. I have been encouraged by the people who can't afforded lawyers, or any help. My goal is to help the government and the people in my community

If you're writing for the UC's, then both of the personal statements are prompt 1, which is Describe the world you come from... how it has affected your dreams and aspirations. In the second essay of your second paragraph, it reads exactly like a resume, which you don't want because they already have your resume. You're wasting words that could be spent really showing what an individual you are.

I also think that, as it is written now, your change from India and your change from public to private schooling are too distinct to match. I would personally elaborate more on your experiences in India rather than talk about a transition from public schools to private schools because it doesn't carry the same amount of emotion that your travels to India could.

That being said, your explanation of your experiences in India should be more descriptive. Add in details that will essentially prove that you genuinely went and cared about what you saw in India. It is currently a little vague, but decent, however if you added in those descriptions it would probably make your essay shine.

The reason why I don't feel the first personal statement addresses the first prompt is that it tells too much about the experience and not enough about how it changed you. It's basically you mourning over the loss of your grandfather, and as a result you... value time. While it could be an important attribute, you would definitely need to focus on that issue more than your grieving. Also there's a lot of contradiction in terms of how your essay flows. "As we arrived , tears began to roll down my eyes, the thought of being away from my family for so many months tortured me on the inside. The last words I heard from him were "Have fun, be safe, and remember I love you..." While sitting in the plane the only thing I was thinking about was how much fun it was going to be once we got there. " Basically says "I was sad. I was super excited." which is kind of awkward. Not to mention starting off the essay with a fragment doesn't really help haha.

Try to remember that, while colleges might ask about other events, experiences, talents, etc, what they're really focusing on is you. Your essays should reflect that, or in other words have more than four sentences focused on you in a 500 word essay that's meant to show who you are.

Hope this helps :)

I have to make some changes at the beginning so that the verb tense will be consistent and so that you will have complete sentences:

I wa s staring out the window, watching the scenery pass by. Butterflies were in my stomach, and eagerness was wandering in my eyes. As I stared at the clock ,the time went by so slowly .

...tears began to roll down my cheeks ; the thought of being away from my family for so many months tortured me on the inside.

When you quote a sentence, capitalize the first word:
People say "As time flies you have...

:-)