I was told that I'm lucky to receive an education in America - USF college entrance essay

I am applying to The University of San Francisco. The prompt is: Please compose a one or two page essay about yourself that tells us how you will help the University to carry out its mission:

To promote learning in the Jesuit Catholic tradition so that students acquire the knowledge, skills, values and sensitivities they need to succeed as persons, professionals and architects of a more humane and just world.

My Essay:

I never really put much thought into what I aspired to be when I grow up; my long term goal was to live somewhere more than a couple of months and because of that I never really focused on my education. I moved to my current residence and had a stable environment, but I had given up because there wasn't an adult to motivate me; Ever since my father left, my family in India always reminded me that it was up to me to make my mom's life better by studying and becoming something. That scared me. What if I fail? "I would much rather have people think I'm stupid, than have people think I'm smart, and disappoint them" (Mike Bronson). I had completely given up until the night of my graduation; my mother told me how lucky I am to receive an education in America. That gave me a new incentive to do something with my life and make a change.

I decided that I wanted to be a neurosurgeon; the brain always fascinated me because it was a mystery to me. I took some classes as well to try to understand a bit about it. A friend of mine had gotten in a car accident in which she suffered head injuries; after her recovery, I discovered that her personality had changed. That really got me wondering even more about the brain and its mysteries. Becoming a neurosurgeon will allow me understand the brain, and hopefully help others with my knowledge and comprehension of it. In about 30 years, I don't want to be just another doctor; I want to be known as the doctor who made a difference in someone's life. I would want to be a doctor who helped heal someone' traumatic injuries and made their family whole again; If I had the power and knowledge to heal my friend who got in the car accident, I would do it instantly.

Everything I know about life I have learned from my mother; she is and has always been very religious, and always advised that having faith is what helped her through her struggles. She would often say, "It's okay, everything will eventually sort itself out. You know why?" She would point up. Unfortunately, I never found faith, but having lived in a variety of places from Kenya to India, I discovered one thing in common all people had: faith. I understood that faith helped people to cope with sensitive times and situation.

First things first, you do not completely answer the prompt as nothing mentioned above addresses the way in which you intend to fulfill the university's mission. However, the description about who you are is decent. Instead of "My long term goal was to live somewhere more than a couple of months and because of that I never really focused on my education." Use "As a result of my family constantly having to relocate (maybe mention why you had to move a lot), I never paid too much attention to my education." In regards to your neurosurgeon goals, first state what inspired you to be a neurosurgeon, then what you have done to reach that goal such as the classes you have taken. It is important to recognize that you are not applying to medical school so their is no need to spend so much time on what type of doctor you want to be rather use your desire to become a doctor to lead into how the university will help you with that goal. I would avoid semicolons as they make your response sound too informal. In regards to the Mike Bronson quote, do not quote someone that is not reasonably recognizable. I tried googling him and I could not find anything. It is probably not a good idea to say that you never found faith in an essay to a school who's mission literally centers around faith. Lastly, if you really have no interest in the catholic faith then you should probably not being apply to a Jesuit Catholic University. Remember they are looking for students that will embrace and embody all aspects of the university and essentially fulfill their mission. P.S. It helps to read your essay out loud to yourself to make sure it sounds well.

The revised version of my essay. Is it better? too short? any suggestions?

I never really put much thought into what I aspired to be when I grow up; As a result of my family constantly having to relocate because of my father's drinking problem, I never paid too much attention to my education.. I moved to my current residence and had a stable environment, but I had given up because there wasn't an adult to motivate me. Ever since my father left, my family in India always reminded me that it was up to me to make my mom's life better by studying and becoming something. That scared me. What if I fail? I thought that I would much rather have people think I'm stupid, than have people think I'm smart, and disappoint them. I had completely given up until the night of my graduation; my mother told me how lucky I am to receive an education in America. That gave me a new incentive to do something with my life and make a change.

I decided that I wanted to be a neurosurgeon. The inspiration behind that was a fascination I had with the brain and its mysteries. A friend of mine had gotten in a car accident in which she suffered head injuries; after her recovery, I discovered that her personality had changed. I wanted to know how that happened and if it was irreversible. The university, with its amazing educational facilities will allow me understand the brain, and hopefully help others with my knowledge and comprehension of it. I want to absorb information and knowledge about this with the help of all the excellent professors. The university will serve as a core to my understanding and values. In about 30 years, I don't want to be known as just another doctor but as the doctor who made a difference in someone's life.

Everything I know about life I have learned from my mother; she is and has always been very religious, and always advised that having faith is what helped her through her struggles. She would often say, "It is okay, everything will eventually sort itself out. You know why?" She would point up. Having lived in a variety of places from Kenya to India, I discovered one thing in common all people had: faith. I understood that faith helped people to cope with sensitive times and situation.

I hate to tell you this but the second essay still does not answer the prompt. The main focus of your essay should be on how you plan to help spread the mission and objective of the school. To quote;


You talk of becoming a neurosurgeon but you never mentioned how it would tie into the mission of the school. Do you plan on doing charity medical care after you become a doctor? Would you somehow manage to promote the Jesuit cause while you do your job as a doctor / surgeon? How do you think you can help the university carry out its mission?

While your life story is interesting and touching, telling your personal story distracted you from the essay prompt. Forget your personal story at this point. Try to think about the mission of the school and list some ideas about how you can help promote their cause. Use that list to write a new essay draft. Don't worry, we will continue to work with you until you get it right :-)