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'a tradition of helping people with cognitive disabilities' -U Wisconsin Statement #1



sjmiller1993 4 / 13  
Dec 10, 2011   #1
the prompt is "how will your presence enrich our community?"

While most families pass down stories or cherished heirlooms to their children, my family has passed down a tradition of helping people with cognitive disabilities. Once I turned sixteen, I began to work at a Chicago Park District summer camp for people with cognitive disabilities. At first, this task seemed extremely difficult. Leading six preteens in sports, arts and crafts, swimming, and other activities for six hours a day, five days a week? These kids' parents had years to figure out how to keep their children happy; I had only a few days.

Despite this hesitation, I quickly learned to use my campers' interests to make the whole day interesting and fun. From Justin's passion for the Cubs to Matthew's adoration of Sherlock Holmes, my campers made me work to think of fun activities, like wiffleball World Series games and detective cases through the "back alleys of London." Swimming was the one activity everyone looked forward to each day. I would spend the whole time with one of my campers hunting an imaginary "shark" in the deep end. The creativity required each day pushed my imagination to places I never thought it could, which made getting up at 7 in the morning in the summer more than bearable.

Even though I was having fun working, I had to learn how to handle many difficult situations, like keeping my kids together on field trips, the occasional temper tantrum over what was for lunch, and frequent bouts of homesickness. These experiences, though stressful, made me appreciate how truly strong these campers' parents are, because I know that they have to overcome these obstacles on a daily basis. This empathy has helped me understand how people are thinking and feeling in other aspects of my life, like school or sports.

I could say that this experience taught me time management skills, effective communication, and proper occupational etiquette, but despite the accuracy of that statement and importance of those lessons, they were not the most vital things camp taught me. I learned that acting like a child is not always bad, that playing in a sandbox for an hour can be the best stress-reducer out there, and that I have more fun catching "bank robbers" in a park than I could ever have in front of a television or computer screen. I learned to never judge people by what they look like or the disability they have, because the kids at camp are some of the most caring and accepting people I have ever met. They never judge anyone by the way they look or act; if everyone was as accepting as my campers are, the world would be a much more tolerant place. By far the largest impact this camp had on me was to show me how truly happy helping others makes me. By the end of the summer, my paychecks were taking a backseat to the smiles on my campers' faces. I believe with this understanding and appreciation of the way others think and feel, I can add to the diversity of the UWM student body and prove myself as a great asset to the university.

tehfunkicookie 19 / 49  
Dec 10, 2011   #2
repetition in paragraph one with cognitive disabilities

third sentence with the leading six preteens sounds awkward. maybe reword it

I learned that acting like a child is not always bad, that playing in a sandbox <--- sounds like a run on

your second and third sentence in your last paragraph repeat in the beginning with "I learned". Maybe you can change one of the beginnings. (I prefer the second one like Acting like a child isn't that...)

I just had those minor changes. After reading it, it does answer the prompt. It was really interesting on how you took something so generic (helping people) and making it into your own story. Every experience and own personal thought that you put into it makes it very original.

One thing I wanted to point out is that you expand on your experience way too much. You only have one sentence that answers the question. I suggest you maybe look at the school's website and looking at student life or maybe even the city around them. Since you said you were given, from your family, the chance to help people with cognitive disabilities, look at maybe the community service organizations. Expand more on the your answer to the question instead of just having one sentence. It'll make your essay A LOT stronger.

If there is a word limit, then cut down on the experience and expand on your answer to the question.

Have fun and good luck!
OP sjmiller1993 4 / 13  
Dec 10, 2011   #3
yea i didnt know what it was asking exactly cuz the full prompt is:

The University values an educational environment that provides all members of the campus community with opportunities to grow and develop intellectually, personally, culturally and socially. In order to give us a more complete picture of you as an individual, please tell us about the particular life experiences, perspectives, talents, commitments and/or interests you will bring to our campus. In other words, how will your presence enrich our community? Respond in 250 to 500 words.
jerrytherock31 6 / 14  
Dec 13, 2011   #4
I think it is a good essay.

idk if the question mark was needed ...."five days a week?"

and in the last paragraph i feel like there is too much "that" so try to reduce the use of that word


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