Hi there! I'm new to these forums, but I've seen some excellent essays and revisions so I was wondering if I could acquire some help. What I've managed to keep from all the writing is my intro.
The Essay for USF: Submit a 1-2 page essay about how you would help realize our mission to make the world "a more just and humane place."
My intro:
In today's society we are trained to think in terms of self-benefit and greed. The continuous manipulation of people by others has created an atmosphere of distrust and fear. This sentiment of disbelief in humanity has created this inhumane and unjust world. The most viable solution to this problem and to improve the qualities of this world is to adopt a new mentality, which contrasts the societal norm. In order to progress and to improve our world, humanity has to understand and espouse altruism.
**I'm having the trouble of making this a personal essay instead of a psychology research paper. The matter of fact is that I know the story I want to tell, but I'm having a hard time conveying it. Any suggestions on how to make this a personal essay? When is it appropriate to use narrations? Also, I find it common for people to always write about specific instances that occur in their lives, but I do not have these "ah-ha!" moments to write about. I know these essays are to supposed to be specific, but my question is how specific? Any tips? Thanks for reading.
I'm going to give a mild critique, suitable to your ability level.
The second sentence sounds comfortably vague about "others" who are causing this decline in society. The third sentence makes no sense. The aura is not caused by the attitude or posture of cynicism. It is caused by people who adopt the negative attitudes. Although you could say this world is inhumane and unjust, it is not a polite and cheery thing to include here. Your next sentence has decent structure until you add the bit "and to improve the qualities of this world", which is too front heavy. Now, you say that the best proposal is to adopt a new mentality, but that's no proposal at all. It's merely what the assumption that your reader would have. Interestingly, fiery rhetoric and empty campaign slogans both share this quality.
This is the classic model of circular reasoning, right in your passage.
1. Society is bad. (So, we should change society)
2. In order to make society good, we should do such and such ... and improve our communities for the better.
Finally, you drop a bit about altruism, which is fine. What isn't fine however, is the underlying methods you are proposing and; by that I mean, you offer no methods/means for change.
Unless you are going to expound on altruism, it should be omitted, since people have different opinions about it, and without your lucid breakdown, they will clutch onto preexisting biases by default. So there are four major points: Take a brave approach to your topic. Drop "inhumane and unjust." Offer some real solutions to think about, to go about changing society. Avoid specific terms that have a lot of chatter behind them, because you might inaccurately portray a few minor things, and also, because they make your statements sound scripted (at least until you expand and provide your unique insight, as a unique person).
I don't know how your paper is supposed to sound, but expository writing from a personal vantage point has served me well, throughout.
Just about your writing style in general - it feels extremely formal. In some cases, it's a good thing. However, the idea of a college essay is to give the reader a feel for your personality. This writing feels almost robotic. Additionally, every word you use doesn't have to be from a thesaurus. You should use the word that best makes your point, not the one that makes you seem most intellectual.
