I was wondering if anyone would like to give me feedback on this statement of purpose?
It would be extremely helpful!
To UT Admissions:
My purpose for attending UT is to gain the proper knowledge and skills to prepare me for my lifelong pursuit of engineering because I have found a passion in research and now I need the proper tools to pursue it. I plan to attend the School of Liberal Arts and prospectively transfer to the Cockrell School of Engineering. To help illustrate my motivation, I would like you to consider this short story of my experience.
A tear stole its way out, trickling coldly across my cheek. Closing my eyes completely for a minute, I take a deep breath. My eyes slits, daring to open only a sliver stealing in the diamond-blinding sparkle that caught my eye. Trying to block my emotions I keep my head clear. I feel calm, and yet uneasy. I am comforted, yet terrified at the same time. Zoning out, it takes me a second to comprehend any voice other than my own thoughts. They interrupt my silence, it's my turn to go.
Focus. I got this. One more time I let the cold slithering through my body be replaced by the warm happy feelings of being on top of the world. The fresh cold air, the glistening untouched powder in every direction. Lying there, waiting for me to be first in its freshness. Pulling my goggles down, my eyes instantly feel relief from the stinging wind. Joel's voice echoes from below, "Let's go Tina, what's the deal!?" Alright man, here I come.
I-pod on, strapped in, the first few turns down feel good, a long sweeping motion, bringing them in tighter each time. I'm gaining momentum, snaking down the slope. Seconds pass and it's towering in front of me. The Goliath of all rails in the terrain park and I am about to be David. I'm up the ramp and grabbing my front edge. Feeling weightless for moments before it's replaced by the sweet grind of metal against my board. So quick is it over and I did it! My board is connecting with the icy landing before my brain even registers the quick crack of cold plastic and fiberglass echoing, I'm feeling my right foot unattached from the board. Uh oh I'm crashing. I'm pulling into a tuck and my hands are almost over my face as I hit hard metal. Crap! My head is spinning. How did my edge reach my forehead? I guess that's it for today. Lights Out.
Every once in awhile a stranger, a new friend, a neighbor, a classmate will ask me where the scar on my eyebrow came from. I tell them the story of crashing when I almost had it and how I managed to lose a fight to a rainbow shaped railing. But think about it...
We're always grinding rails. Sometimes in our lives we manage to conquer them. Other times, we crash hard. But if that be the case, with every left scar comes an experience and a lesson that one can learn from.
Wow. This is my life. This is my life and how I live it; bailing, avoiding, hesitating, enduring, grinding, smashing, conquering a new rail every day. Sometimes, for my own benefit, I bail off to avoid crashing.
I moved to Austin three years ago in order to escape an abusive relationship and overcome a struggle with bad lifestyle choices. I didn't want to leave everything I knew in Spokane, my hometown, but my decision to move to Austin and get my life back was best for me; hence, this time, I choose to bail off the rail to avoid crashing. The transition was anything but smooth, but I found myself and the things I value in life. Now family and education are my life and getting through stressful weeks with all my obligations is crashing off that rainbow rail all over again. However, consecutive weeks like these have taught me that hard work is the only way to get the job done, and if that involves some crashing, so be it.
I am passionate about what I do. More importantly I have found that even if I don't necessarily come in with perfect scores, I know I will thrive as a student. At UT, I will love everything I do and go at it like the rail. Straight on, without hesitation or fear of failure. I always make it through, with some scars like my SFCC transcript, or dropping a class. But, I learn and gain from it. The practice doesn't stop here. Graduating from ACC, I am proud of this personal achievement, yet I realize it is a only a small jump to help me catch speed for my big air at the bottom of the slope: UT. Thank you for considering my application for admission.
I would like to attend UT to gain the proper knowledge and skills to prepare me for a lifelong pursuit of learning, because a year ago I discovered my passion for design and engineering. I was lost with school until I found what I want to focus on, now there is nothing stopping me. My ultimate goal is to be admitted to UT first, so I am applying to attend the School of Liberal Arts and prospectively transfer internally to the Cockrell School of Engineering. To help illustrate my motivation, I would like you to consider a short story:
does that make the intro clear?
Add some meaning here:
To help illustrate my motivation, I would like you to consider this short story of my experience. What is it really a story about? Introduce the theme, so that the reader is ready to appreciate.
A tear stole its way out, trickling coldly across my cheek. ---nice
Closing my eyes completely for a minute, I take a deep breath.---oops, wait a minute. This is in the present tense. So, put that previous sentence in the present tense, too.
I'm pulling into a tuck and my hands are almost over my face as I hit hard metal. Crap! My head is spinning! How did my edge reach my forehead? I guess that's it for today. Lights Out.----I like your style, but some people are not as creative as you. So.. don't use crap. :-)
Well, like always, I advise you to incorporate more discussion of your career plan. If you want the reader to feel pressure to give you opportunities, you should give the reader the sense that you have spent so much time on your plan that you cannot even stop talking about it.
:-) So... tie this in with the plan that makes you so deserving of this opportunity. The theme is easy to apply for your career plan.
