Hi guys, i'm a freshman at Rutgers Newark and i want to transfer to NYU. this is my essay for the common app to answer: Please provide a statement (250 words minimum) that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve. so yeah if someone could read it and tell me how it is that'd be very appreciated!
"We are a family of pioneers. We are entrepreneurs. It's in our blood." Growing up, I was often repeated that by my father. When he refers to my family being pioneers he refers to my grandfather's grandfather, who, along with his family and a group of other families, left their home in the Gujrat region of India. They boarded merchant ships travelling in the Indian Ocean and set sails for a new world and a new life. After months of travelling, they ended up on the beautiful shores of Madagascar where they decided to settle. The fierce spirit of trade and affairs and the need to survive, pushed them to settle and today those same families are known throughout the island and have built an empire that, together, has a strong hold over the economy of the country. My father too was a pioneer; he was the first of his generation to move to France, where my siblings and I were born, to pursue his studies and was quickly followed by other family members.
The term "pioneer" can be defined as "One who ventures into unknown or unclaimed territory to settle." Those Indian farmers became pioneers the minute they set sail for a strange place. A place in which they had to work for every cent they earned to make enough money to survive.
Similarly, "entrepreneur" can be defined as "One who starts a business or other venture that promises economic gain but that also entails risks." My ancestors were an example of this since they arrived in a new market and started businesses−small shops or road-side snack bars−that promised money to survive with which they were risking failure and/or rejection.
This pioneer spirit runs in the family; my father, who set up his own business, my grandfather who sold his mother's cooking on the streets of Madagascar, and so on. Ten years ago, in 1998, I was one of the first students to be enrolled in the first American school of Madagascar. I did not know a word of English so I was placed in ESL (English as a Second Language). After four months of ESL, the teacher deemed that my knowledge of the English language was good enough for me to be placed in the normal English class. He looked me in the eyes and said: "Ayaz, I am surprised at how fast you learned English. I can see already that you will go far in life." Being in fourth I didn't take much of that. The pioneer in me first came out when I was the first of my family to learn English.
Three years later, my family moved to Dubai where I graduated with an IB Diploma from Dubai American Academy. My senior year, when the time came to apply to universities, the pioneer in me once again showed himself. I, like my ancestors, wanted to set sail for new horizons. Given that France was already famous amongst graduates from Madagascar, I applied to somewhere new; the United States of America, the land of opportunities.
A university benefits from the student as much as the student benefits from the university. Having spent half a year at Rutgers University-Newark, I feel like an odd nail sticking out. I do not feel like the pioneer in me is given the chance to shine and most importantly, I do not feel like my background and international experiences are an asset.
Given its international recognition and its diversity, New York University is the perfect match for me. Being located in the financial capital of the world, NYU would allow me to observe, first hand, the business world as well as the impacts of the present economic situation. Moreover, the International Studies Program that is offered at NYU is an opportunity to add to my international portfolio, which I would take full advantage of, to try to satisfy by unquenchable thirst for knowledge.
The uniqueness of NYU is shown through many different aspects including its widespread campus located in the heart of New York City, allowing me to make connections to the real world. Furthermore, the variety of clubs and activities offered at NYU are unique in the sense that they would allow me to build a network of diverse friends to carry through to the real world.
I believe that my ability to adapt to challenging environments, given my experiences throughout the world, would be most beneficial to NYU and its diverse student body. Furthermore, the pioneer within me is yearning for a change and NYU is the place where he can be best appreciated, which would allow me to raise the standards for my family even higher.
Comment: Wow, I believe that was said very well. I journeyed through your life and I'm eager for your transfer!
Good Luck!
so it was good? you don't think i should change it at all?
Growing up, I was often reminded of this by my father. He is a proud, self-made, successful businessman. When he describes my family as "pioneers" it is a reference to my grandfather's grandfather, who, along with his family and a group of other families, left their home in the Gujrat region of India.
This is a great essay!!
The term "pioneer" can be...
Don't use commas here:
I therefore declined a significant scholarship...
Yes, very impressive essay! Good luck!
thank you so much!
ok guys thank you so much for your input... i decided that it was a little on the long side (over 1000words) soooo i decided to cut it down a lot and shorten it... it now has 778 words... the shortened version does not have as much punch as the first one but it's shorter and since a commonly accepted length is around 750 words i think this only helps my chances. so let me know what you guys think thanks a lot again.
How about:
"We are a family of pioneers... entrepreneurs. It's in our blood."
The term "pioneer" is defined by the (name of dictionary Dictionary as, "One who ventures into unknown or unclaimed territory to settle."
Paragraphs 2 and 3 would be better combined as one.
Given that France was already famous amongst graduates from Madagascar, I decided to apply to somewhere new: the United States of America, the land of opportunities.
How about something less cliche, like:
the United States of America, a progressive and powerful collage of culture.
sounds good
but content-wise and length-wise it's good?
you don't think i should add or expand on anything?
and thanks again by the way
Less is always more. That's why Zen masters often answer questions with very short responses, ha ha. So... as you cut this down to keep it within the word count, find ways to make sentences sleek and powerful. Try revising this way:
Similarly, "entrepreneur" can be defined as "One who starts a business or other venture that promises economic gain but that also entails risks." My ancestors were an example of this since they arrived in a new market and started businesses−small shops or road-side snack bars−that promised money to survive with which they were risking failure and/or rejection. This pioneer spirit runs in the family; my father, who set up his own business, my grandfather who sold his mother's cooking on the streets of Madagascar, and so on. Ten years ago, in 1998, I was one of the first students to be enrolled in the first American school of Madagascar.
The pioneer in me first came out at that American school, when I was the first of my family to learn English. I did not know a word of English; after so I was placed in ESL (English as a Second Language). After four months as an ESL student, the teacher looked me in the eyes and said: "Ayaz, I am surprised at how fast you learned English. I can see already that you will go far in life." Being in fourth I didn't take much of that. He deemed that my knowledge of the English language was good enough for me to be placed in the normal English class.
IT really is looking very good, though. Like that teacher, I am impressed that an ESL student can write so well.
thanks a lot! i appreciate your help!
so i'm submitting it tonight! i think it's ready!
wish tme the best of luck! i'm going to need it!!!
and thanks for the compliment even though
i'm not in ESL anymore its really appreciated =)
thank you!!!!!!
