Transfering from UTD to UT Austin - Statement of Purpose

Essay Prompt: Statement of Purpose

I know its pretty bad, but I am just getting started, deadline isn't until October, so I can be tweaking until then. Please help!

As if tax day wasn't stressful enough...On April 15, 2005, on our way home from a dreaded thyroid biopsy, we heard the news. It was already a silent ride home with a feeling of foreboding in the air. My mother's cell phone rang. Already not accustomed to driving while talking on the phone, she conversed with my doctor. The doctor's coldhearted words were "The results show your daughter has papillary thyroid cancer, you should see a surgeon." My mother could barely mumble "bye" as the tears started to stream down her cheeks.

After much searching, we finally found a surgeon that knew she could handle the complexity of my particular case. My life did a 360 following the complete removal of my thyroid and two doses of radiation at sixteen years old. It took everything I had to keep my mind on my goals while fighting lack of energy, irregular hormones, and more weight gain than I want to put an exact number on. I am still educating myself on my disease and what I can do to feel better. I've always let everything go just thinking as a young woman that had been through cancer and back this was just normal, because the doctors told me that all my tests looked normal. I am now on my way to feeling more energized, and becoming a better person for it. I take pride in my aggressiveness to describe to my doctor how I feel in a way that they can help me manage everything I am feeling no matter what the test results are.

I've always known I wasn't going to let this get in the way of my unwavering dream of attending your school, and that I was persistently going to put my heart and soul into doing the best I can academically to fulfill that dream. If I was to accomplish this aspiration, I would be able to move away from home for school and broaden my horizons. I feel this would help me in expanding my knowledge of life, and in turn let me explore more areas of opportunity that would allow me to use my experience with the aim of facilitating communities all around me. My ordeal has also lit the fire underneath me to study English literature and learn more about what exactly makes life worth living.

Now that I am more appreciative of the life I love with the people I care for, I now have a more significant desire to travel the nation speaking of my experiences, and hopefully giving comfort to those patients who can't find it elsewhere. Though it was a hard time for me and those who loved me, I can still turn it around and use it to help others in the best way I can. In my extra time, I volunteer for ThyCa: Thyroid Cancer Survivors' Association, Inc, helping other thyroid patients with their cancer experiences. Another ambition of mine for the future is to travel around America helping cancer patients in any way and try to relate to what they are going through. These goals are all part of my plan to better myself. Cancer will not stop me and my determination to lead the life I desire.

Welcome Anni; it is good to have you here. We have some very excellent moderators and with their inputs and the very many other contributors, you'll have you Statement of Purpose in truely the best form it can be.

You'll notice an international cast here, thanks to the internet nature of this forum. So, many of those who read your posts are sitting in various parts of the world. I wish to make you a suggestion - think beyond the national boundaries. You will be as welcome anywhere on the globe, as in your own country.

Another view-point, maybe it'll whet your appetite for going outside. You've met your enemy and you've vanquished it. Now don't let it prey on your mind, just let it go. Set yourself some challenge like any other individual, then, go for that.

Okay, your first draft is already pretty good. You have an inspirational story to tell. Now, can you tie it more closely to you academic goals, or to your desire to transfer to UTA? If I'm reading this as a UTA staff member, I am likely to be impressed by your personal struggles, but a bit confused as to what they have to do with your decision to transfer. So, you want to keep the story but add details that make it relevant to your audience.

Maybe this is not quite right. I don't know how to fix it... How about:

As if tax day was not stressful enough...

On April 15, 2005, on our way home from a dreaded thyroid biopsy, we heard the news.

Start a new paragraph after:
down her cheeks.
Can you see how that will make for a strong first paragraph?

This really is a great story. Let's see that revised draft when you write it!

Ok i've italicized everything I changed even a bit, so let me know if anything sounds weird. I'm not sure about the 3rd paragraph, I know it needs more but I kind of hit a block because I knew it just didn't sound right. :(

Thanks for all the advice by the way! Really helping!!

Looking good. What are you planning to study at UT Austin? It might be a good idea to tie in your choice of subject matter to the main narrative. So, if you are studying biology, you can talk about how your experience made you interested in medicine. If you are studying philosophy or literature, you can talk about how your experience inspired you to want to learn more about what exactly makes a life worth living. And so on. Some subjects would be more difficult to tie in than others, obviously, but with a bit of ingenuity, you can link back any of them with some effort.

I'm not exactly sure what I will study there, I haven't started attending UTD yet, if I got in to UT I would transfer there in the spring. But so far I believe I will be studying criminology at UTD. Since it has always been my dream to go to UT and they don't have criminology, I think I would fall back on english.

ok...how about this? I have been working on it all day, tell me how you think it sounds. Especially the third paragraph, I am not sure about it. Just need to figure out a good flow, doesn't seem like it flows right now.

p.s. what can I do about the "I've always" that I seem to keep repeating in the 2nd and 3rd paragraph? any ideas?

Great start. I would use some other words here:
Already not accustomed to driving while talking on the phone, she conversed [struggled to converse] with my doctor. The doctor's coldhearted words were appeared cold-hearted.

These commas seem necessary to connect well with the earlier sentence:
It took everything I had[,] to keep my mind on my goals[,] while fighting lack of energy, irregular hormones, and more weight gain than I want to put an exact number on.

I've always let everything go[,] just thinking as a young woman that had been through cancer and back[,] this was just normal, because the doctors told me that all my tests looked normal.

I take pride in my aggressiveness[,] to describe to my doctor how I feel [and] in a way that they can help me manage everything[,] I am feeling no matter what the test results are.

My ordeal has also lit the fire underneath me to study English literature[,] and learn more about what exactly makes life worth living.

... mind you though, this is not as obvious as you seem to assume. But as good a place to start as any other, so why not!

Now that I am more appreciative of the life I love[,] with the people I care for, I now have a more significant desire to travel the nation[,] speaking of my experiences, and hopefully[,] giving comfort to those patients who can't find it elsewhere.

... I was hoping internationally

I knew in my heart that I wasn't going to let this get in the way of my unwavering dream of attending (name of school here) and that I was persistently going to put my heart and soul into doing the best I can academically to fulfill that dream.

I feel this would help me in expanding my knowledge of life, and in turn let me explore more areas of opportunity that would allow me to use my experience with the aim of facilitatingfor the benefit of communities all around me.

It's better to put the name of the school in here, not just for the dramatic effect, but also so it wont look like you're sending to multiple schools.

Good luck!

:)

thanks so much everyone!!!