Hey! Could you guys please help look through my essay and see if it's okay for the common app personal essay? Any comments/help would be greatly appreciated
Prompt: Please provide a statement that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve.
Essay:
Growing up in an archetypal Asian household, my parents have always instilled the exceptionally imperative idea of going to college. In my mother's perception, going to college meant being complacent with any kind of college. However, in my father's sagacity, he knew that I knew that I should always strive to achieve better. In this perennial pursuit of education, transferring to the most educationally propitious institution would be a stepping stone for me in order for me to conduct research and attain my goals.
Subjects such as mathematics and science have been my forte ever since my sophomore year in high school. From then on, I've thoroughly enjoyed solving problems as well as thinking of new ways to ameliorate certain issues. Despite the fact that these subjects appealed to me, I was not one of those who were certainly aware of what they wanted to do after high school. In fact, I only knew what I wanted to do a few months after high school ended, and that would be Chemical Engineer.
I chose to major in Chemical Engineering as I believe that this major will be composed of subjects that appeal to me the most such as chemistry, physics, and mathematics. Additionally, I believe that through a degree in chemical engineering, I could attain one of my goals of sustainably mitigating the impact of human endeavours to the environment as well as meeting demands for current world needs.
As of right now, I'm enrolled in a college called 'INTI International University' (a two year institution) and I have been doing extremely well. I have a GPA of 4.00 from my latest fall semester and a CGPA of 3.70. I am the president for the English Language Society and although it is far-fetched to what I intend to major in, it has fostered a leadership skill which I know would be useful in future situations. Besides that, I have also obtained the Dean's List award in my second semester in INTI.
In my honest opinion, INTI is nothing short of amazing but I yearn to do more than just studying from textbooks. I believe that in order to fully gain knowledge and have an in-depth understanding of the world, one must not only learn the academics of it, but should also have hands on experience on it. From this point on, I knew that I needed to look for universities that are better suited to concur with the kinaesthetic learner in me. I began researching for universities by reading reviews by other students online and even seeking succour from an ex-professor of a local university. My plans include taking full advantage of the array of resources and facilities provided to conduct research so that I would have an exhaustive engineering experience, and I would also like to expose myself to an assemblage of various engineers in order to broaden my horizon to the engineering field.
Being able to enter an esteemed academic institution would provide me with greater opportunities for me than the current institution that I'm in. I believe that if I graduate from a notable university armed with knowledge many other universities can't provide me with, I could make a change in the world.
Alyaa, you are wasting a lot of important space in this essay by discussing irrelevant information about your parents point of view about education and how important going to the right college is. The point of the prompt is to explain why you want to transfer to this particular university. The answer to that question starts with the following quote from your essay:
That, in totality, answered the prompt requirements in the best way possible for you. Sure it can use some adjustments and proof reading. The point I am trying to make is that you need to concentrate solely on the reasons that you feel a definite need to transfer schools. These paragraphs, when developed properly, will more than help shed light on those reasons.
