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The transition is frightening, really. However, I remain unchanged.



wonderland 2 / 3  
Feb 14, 2015   #1
In an essay of 300 words or fewer (approximately 1950 characters with spaces), write about your goals for your time at Queen's University and beyond. Your answer will be evaluated for content and writing style.

Any thoughts or constructive criticism is greatly appreciated! I don't really like how the essay turned out but at the same time, I don't know how I should change it.

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The transition from high school to post-secondary can be frightening. From how we attend to our next classes to teaching styles to the students themselves-it is no longer the same as how it was back in high school. However, one thing is for sure: my character remains unchanged. With my excellent work ethics and the desire to succeed, I am eager to become heavily involved with the Queen's community, making Queen's a milestone in my life.

To start off the beginning of my first year, I want to spend time developing relationships with my peers, professors, and also with the university itself by joining clubs such as Random Acts of Kindness, and partaking in various social gatherings such as Frosh Week and events hosted by All Year Social. Furthermore, I want to become an executive of the Queen's Commerce Society and also apply for the position of Oil Thigh Design's graphic designer, for graphic design has always been one of my hobbies. On the other hand, I aim to develop my understanding of business and explore my fields of interest more in depth by taking part in the conferences and competitions Queen's has to offer. Not only that, but I would love to do an exchange at HKUST Business School in Hong Kong.

Although the future is still far away, I have set my sights on becoming a Chartered Professional Accountant. Upon completion of my BCom degree, I want to complete the Graduate Diploma in Accounting and write the Common Final Evaluation. After that, I seek to work in the industry and act as an adviser with my business insight and strategic thinking. In essence, I am prepared to take the necessary steps in achieving my goals, starting at Queen's University.

Dev4444 1 / 4  
Feb 15, 2015   #2
I am not really sure how to help, since you are much higher than me as far as grade level, writing ability, etc, and because I have no idea what most of this is. But I might be able to help with sentence structure, punctuation, grammar, etc.

In the second sentence I see some places where commas are needed. So it would be "from how we attend our next classes, to teaching styles, to the students themselves." Because you are, in a sense, jumping from each idea to the next, so use commas to separate the ideas. Also, in the beginning of the second paragraph, add a comma after the transition "To start off".

In the second paragraph, when you explain different things you want to do, instead of saying "I want to" or "I would love to", maybe you can say "I aspire to" or "I dream of". Just a small change of words to add some depth to it.

Other than that, great essay.


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