travel experience that changed you.

Khattri spends Summer 2009
in the Golden State
Trip to California instigates kindness in Naveena's heart.
By NAVEENA KHATTRI
SAN DIEGO 2009

My mother had surprised me with the greatest birthday gift of all, a plane ticket to California to see my best friend who I hadn't seen since I was ten. We kept in touch throughout the years, but constantly missed each other's company. After two sleepless nights of catching up on each other's lives, we loaded up the car, and went on road trip throughout Southern California. We visited the glittering shores of La Jollla, where just a look at the cerulean

ocean could foster serenity within you. We walked on the luxurious Rodeo Drive, where your presence seemed
magnified by the paparazzi that lined the streets. We looked through the telescopes of Griffith Observatory to get a hawk's view at the luminous city of Los Angeles. Finally, we walked along the chaotic streets of San Diego that were bustling with Comic-Con attendees.

While I absorbed the magnificence of downtown San Diego firsthand, I was overwhelmed with a sense
of belonging as we entered North and South Embarcadero Marina Park. The sun glistened on my skin and blinded me from appreciating the clear sky ahead. As I strode forward, I took a deep breath, and felt a stream of purity cleanse my lungs. The word beautiful did not suffice to describe this new place. I leaned over a rocky wall, looked down to see my reflection, and my smile instantly lengthened. The new environment was poignant and I felt infinite. Growing up in New Jersey, I had become accustomed to scenic views but none had caught my emotions and thoughts as strongly as the view from North and South Embarcadero Marina Park.

Although North and South Embarcadero Marina Park had grasped my emotions and thoughts, the California experience itself transformed my thoughts and prepared me for the college experiences of living in a new environment, befriending people from diverse backgrounds, and exposed me to different lifestyles. My visit allowed me to realize that the opportunities in the word are boundless, motivated me towards the accomplishment of my dreams, and most importantly, reinvigorated my confidence in the world and myself

PLEASE help me with this :)I'll help you w/ your stuff too! PROMISE.

"As Alex introduced me to all of her friends as her cousin, I was
immediately greeted by a swarm of her friends." dont repeat the word friends . You also repeat "the next day" at the end.

im confused...this essay doesnt really deliver any message. Its also very short. Sentence structure is akward, and you overused your thesaurus.

"Although I greatly appreciated California's breathtaking
views, I grew to appreciate the diverse people I met in San Diego much more." - you know san diego is in Cali, right?

The insignificant conversation with your friend's friend really dramatically changed your life? You might as well have learned that from somebody at home. All of the description of San Diego and your friends and what not distracts from what little message you are trying to convey.

...to spend time with my best friend whom I had not seen since I was ten.

And a colon would be good here:
My mother had surprised me with the greatest birthday gift of all: a plane...

This awkward sentence could be managed with a dash:
Although North and South Embarcadero Marina Park had grasped my emotions and thoughts, the California experience itself transformed my thoughts and prepared me for the college experiences -- livi ng in a new environment, befriending people from diverse backgrounds, and gaining exposure to different lifestyles.


You have a great attitude; people like you make this site great. Another good strategy is to help some people and link them to your essay... but I think you are already using that technique. Thanks for being a good example, please check out the EF_Contributor page.

:-)