Traveling, my Grandparent's accomplishments - FSU Undergraduate Essay

Your essay should be no longer than 500 words.

For almost one hundred years, the Latin words, "Vires, Artes, Mores" have been the guiding philosophy behind Florida State University. Vires signifies strength of all kinds - moral, physical, and intellectual; Artes alludes to the beauty of intellectual pursuits as exemplified in skill, craft, or art; and Mores refers to character, custom, or tradition. Describe how one or more of the values embodied in these concepts are reflected in your life.

Strength defines my life pretty well; not just in physical strength, but intellectual and moral strength as well. Strength is a trait that my family has possessed for a long time. Almost all of my family is from North-West Florida. I consider the Emerald Coast to be the most beautiful place in the world. My closest family member to me was my grandma, locally known as Beachmama. Beachmama had the strength to stand up for what she believed in. Being one of the first environmentalists in Walton County, she fought for and prevailed in the preservation of Grayton's Beaches. Strength is something that has been instilled in my family for generations.

Education has always been important to my family. Four generations of my family have all received college educations. Both of my Grandpas had the strength to graduate from prestigious military academies. Not all intellectual strength is academic. My family loves to travel and I use my travels too China, Central America, and the Caribbean as a learning experience. I observe the different cultures and customs of each different country I travel to.

My family isn't really known for their success in athletics, so I take pride in saying I have physical strength. I have run cross country for seven years of my life, which I can truly say is the longest commitment of my life thus far. Though I enjoy cross country, my true love is the game of basketball. I play every day aspiring to be a better player. Not only do I love competing in both of these sports, but both teams were successful by making the regional playoffs in both sports and the state finals in cross country.

Strength is shown in my life every day, whether it is in standing up for what I believe in or hitting a free-throw to win the game. From traveling around the world, to looking back at my Grandparents' accomplishments, strength describes my life.

You have the ingredients for a strong (pun intended) essay here, but you have a long way to go (cross country reference intended). Instead of starting with a wishy-washy statement about strength "pretty well" defining your life, start with a vivid depiction of your grandmother demonstrating her strength as one of the first environmentalists in your region.

I actually will. But besides the introduction, can you offer any other helpful hints for my essay. I tried to keep the essay pretty personal and not vague.

"Pretty" is a vague modifier.

You need a lot more detail. Saying that you love baseball and play everyday, for example, doesn't move you out of the category of generic sporty student.

What I meant before when I said to start over with your grandmother's environmental activism, I meant start there and rewrite the whole thing so that it flows from that story.