'tried my hardest at everything' UT narrative about meaningful event

I would like some advice on my essay to the University of Florida. The topic is:

Please write a consice narrative in which you describe a meanigful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contributionto the UF campus community

My Essay:

July 7th, 2010 will be a day I never forget. It was happiest day of my life, the day that I moved in with my father and stepmother and away from an emotionally abusive mother. I was one of the happiest kids alive in that moment, and although there was a part of me that was sad from being separated from my birth mother I was glad I could be in a happy home. After, the decision was made and the paper work was done I felt so safe in my dads arms. I knew I would be able to get a fresh start not only in academics but also in life. Nobody had any preconceptions of me. The most memorable moment of all was when I my dad asked me "are you sure" and I responded immediately "yes".

From that moment on I tried my hardest at everything life threw at me and I made a motto for myself: "never give up". I not only did better in school but excelled past even what I thought I was capable of. I believe I would be a great asset to the University of Florida Community. I am a hard working, motivated person who still has the "never give up" attitude. For example when AP testing came around for my AP U.S. History class I was up every night till one or two in the morning. Every time I felt like falling over or giving up and going to bed I would remind my self "never give up" knowing that I could make it through. I think I would be a great asset to the University of Florida because I am the kind of person who encourages others around me to step up to my level, to "never give up", and I enjoyed being challenged to step up in the same way. I want the University of Florida to be proud to have me as student and to know that if they bring me to their school I will not only excel as an individual but I will also bring up the people around me.

Im not sure how to end it. I would be glad for any advice or help. thanks!

Hi , Chris)
I think you should expand your essay if there is not a tight word limit. Add a story of your struggles and problems you faced as a second para, you know something interesting that would catch attention, cos' for now your essay doesn't sound very distinct



in that para you used "moment" twice and then at the start of second para there is another "moment"


you are repeating some stuff over and over in this para, sp you could rally shorten it