This is from CommonApp; Prompt: Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
I have been playing soccer from the age of five, and overtime I have developed an immense passion; love for the beautiful game. Since then I have represented Stella Maris Preparatory School, Ardenne High School and Meadhaven United FC in competition. Playing soccer was originally meant to be only an activity where I could release some energy and have a good time. However, that soon changed as I was a very competitive child. Although it still brought me enjoyment, I also developed a hunger for winning.
Unfortunately, that hunger went unsatisfied throughout the years I spent representing each of the three teams, as I was unable to win a title. All I had left was one final year of high school soccer, and I had a strong desire to put my hands on the Manning Cup trophy and call myself a champion.
I had always been a fan of the style of play of the St. George's College Manning Cup Team and had always admired the impressive reputation of their team and coach. This, coupled with my desire for a change in academic environment, was what pushed me to my decision to transfer to St. George's College. I was confident that they would accept me into their 6th form program as I performed well in both my CSEC and CAPE examinations. Because of this, my focus was now on soccer alone. I started training in late June and I worked as hard as I could in each training session. I was one of the few outsiders trying to join the team but the players did a good job in making me feel welcome. Every one worked hard during the summer in an attempt to earn a spot in the starting line-up in September. I was successful in doing this and was able to maintain my spot throughout the competition.
The competition was a competitive one, with many schools striving to win. Many persons believed that our team could not have won because the average age of the team was relatively young. However, the quality of our overall squad and our hunger to win was too great for our opponents; and we proved these persons wrong as we captured all three titles. We were crowned the 2011 Manning Cup, Walker Cup and Olivier shield champions.
This triple victory has only positively impacted my life. I now feel much more confident that I will get an opportunity to further my education at a highly rated tertiary institution abroad as I have received a lot of positive feedback from scouts. However, the most significant impact this has had on me is the development of the appreciation I now have for hard work. I agree entirely with Pele who stated: "Success is no accident. It is hard work, perseverance, learning, studying, sacrifice and most of all, love of what you are doing or learning to do."
"the competition.
The competition was a competitive one" A little bit repetitive.
The essay is pretty solid. However, it makes everything sound perfect and you look like a superhero. Where there really no problems or obstacles during the transitions? It's nice to show that you're really strong, but adding up a bit of the dark side would make the essay way better.
This is not meant to make you look weak, but to show all the obstacles you had to fight to become a great champion.
Congrats :)
I have been playing soccer from the age of five, and overtime I have developed an immense passion; love for the beautiful game.I have been playing soccer from the age of five, and over these long years I have developed an immense passion and love for the beautiful gameOvertime means extra hours at the end of work or a game, and I don't think that's what you meant! Also, the semicolon use was incorrect.
Since then I have represented Stella Maris Preparatory School, Ardenne High School and Meadhaven United FC in competition.Since then I have represented Stella Maris Preparatory School, Ardenne High School and Meadhaven United FC in competitions .competitions: plural
This triple victory has only positively impacted my life. This triple victory has had an immensely heartening impact on my life."Impacted" is correct, but not really safe, so save the word for when you're talking about teeth :)
I now feel much more confident that I will get an opportunity to further my education at a highly rated tertiary institution abroad as I have received a lot of positive feedback from scouts. Now, after receiving a lot of positive feedback from scouts, I feel much more confident about getting an opportunity to augment my education at a high-rated tertiary institution overseas.
Beautifully expressive essay :)
