Hi, so I am in Year 9 and I am not that good in English and I decided to do some practice by writting more essays, descriptions, reports.ect, and I have written a descriptive piece of a childrens birthday party... I really want to improve my English so please give me as many improvements or suggests or comment about my piece
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The room was filled with delicate ornaments that were garnished with affection. Balloons glide across the brightly painted ceiling; in all the colours of the rainbow. Sequined confetti filled the atmosphere; the children were astonished at the glitter that poured down like an immense waterfall. There stood a vast, majestic table that had a various selection of foods. The table also had a large modern vase which was filled with the most extravagant and unusual flowers; lavender, cypress, dahlia. Their refreshing scent filled the space. A big ribbon had been tied with care on each of the affectionately wrapped presents that lay peacefully in the corner, waiting to be opened. Nearby a group of girls quietly whispered, curious to know what was hidden inside them. They point towards a floral patterned casing, with beautiful ribbons of all different colours. Their eyes gleam in awe. Other children were running, playing and screaming with glee.
Outside, a thrill of excitement filled the summer breeze; the magnificent weather has put a smile on the children's faces. A giant, yet tremendous bouncy castle was the main attraction to the youngsters. Some sat cross-legged in the corner of the castle whispering precious secrets to each other. While others cheered and yelled with their friends in a joyous state. A funny man stood beside the bouncy castle selling balloons to a group of giddy girls, they were laughing hysterically at his jokes. A concealed troop of cheeky boys hid behind large tree, they held water balloons in their hands. They launched them in all directions and waited for amusing reactions, but the victims just screeched and ran after them...
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I have'nt finished (you can probably tell) it yet but i will send the full written piece within a few days since i have been a bit busy lately, so please if you read this give me as many tips as you can :)
There stood a vast, majestic table that had a wonderful selection of foods.
The table also had a large modern vase, which was filled with the most extravagant and unusual flowers; lavender, cypress, dahlia.---This sounds beautiful!
Their refreshing scent filled the space.---I think 'filled the air' would sound better, but this is fine too.
Outside, the thrill of excitement filled the summer breeze; the magnificent weather has put a smile on the children's faces.
Some sat cross-legged in the corner of the castle whispering precious secrets to each other, while others cheered and yelled with their friends in a joyous state.
A funny man stood beside the bouncy castle selling balloons to a group of giddy girls, and they were laughing hysterically at his jokes.
This is coming along fine, it's very descriptive! Good luck with school!
:)
Wow i'm glad that you are practicing it speaks highly of you.
the magnificent weather ha(D) put a smile on the children's faces.
That's all i could find after susan went over it.
Thank you so much for your great tips do you think it is good enough for a year 9 because I am lacking a bit behind in my class and we were given this task as our homework.
I apprieciate the fact that you took the time to read my piece :)
- This the improved version from your feedback:
The room was filled with delicate ornaments that were garnished with affection. Balloons glide across the brightly painted ceiling; in all the colours of the rainbow. Sequined confetti filled the atmosphere; the children were astonished at the glitter that poured down like an immense waterfall. There stood a vast, majestic table that had a wonderful selection of foods. The table also had a large modern vase, which was filled with the most extravagant and unusual flowers; lavender, cypress, dahlia. Their refreshing scent filled the air. A big ribbon had been tied with care on each of the affectionately wrapped presents that lay peacefully in the corner, waiting to be opened. Nearby a group of girls quietly whispered, curious to know what was hidden inside them. They point towards a floral patterned casing, with beautiful ribbons of all different colours. Their eyes gleam in awe. Other children were running, playing and screaming with glee.
READ BELOW
If you have some more feedback, I will be so very thankful :)
By the way if I entered this for GCSE what level do you think i might get.
What is your nationality, Oko?
Wll I was born in Ukraine but i was mostly brought up in Dubai as I lived there for 7 years...but now I lived in England for the last 2 years I move countries a lot.
Why were you asking?
this one is good for a year 9 student...if it is grades you are talking about, i give you B for content and B+ for writing style, for the improved version... :)
Thank you so much for these tips, any other feedback you would like to share?
I am working on the rest of this but I'm not sure what else I can describe, my dad said that maybe I could describe some sounds, and touch... any other ideas :)
Give me some more tips on how I can improve my overall writing skills.
Very descriptive essay!
I did not understand what "A giant, yet tremendous" meant in paragraph 2, what were you trying to say? Overall it is very good!
Yifei, thank you for your great feedback. "Giant yet tremendous" means that the bouncy caslte is big but very eye-catching/amazing.
I will read your essays now.
Here is my full writen description :)
The room was filled with delicate ornaments that were garnished with affection. Balloons glide across the brightly painted ceiling; in all the colours of the rainbow. Sequined confetti filled the atmosphere; the children were astonished at the glitter that poured down like an immense waterfall. There stood a vast, majestic table that had a wonderful selection of foods. The table also had a large modern vase, which was filled with the most extravagant and unusual flowers; lavender, cypress, dahlia. Their refreshing scent filled the air. A big ribbon had been tied with care on each of the affectionately wrapped presents that lay peacefully in the corner, waiting to be opened. Nearby a group of girls quietly whispered, curious to know what was hidden inside them. They point towards a floral patterned casing, with beautiful ribbons of all different colours. Their eyes gleam in awe. Other children were running, playing and screaming with glee.
Outside, the thrill of excitement filled the summer breeze; the magnificent weather had put a smile on the children's faces. A giant, yet tremendous bouncy castle was the main attraction to the youngsters. Some sat cross-legged in the corner of the castle whispering precious secrets to each other, while others cheered and yelled with their friends in a joyous state. A funny man stood beside the bouncy castle selling balloons to a group of giddy girls, and they were laughing hysterically at his jokes. A concealed troop of cheeky boys hid behind large tree, they held water balloons in their hands. They launched them in all directions and waited for amusing reactions, but the victims just screeched and ran after them...
....Families and trustworthy friends were gathered around a big and shallow fountain. They held pennies tightly in their fists, while they closed their eyes and made a wish. They then made a big blow on the coin one last time and flipped it until it dropped into the water. The fountain floor was over-crowded with silver and golden coins, beneath them were multi-coloured mosaics, almost invisible to the naked eye.
The sound of faint, distant bells rang in our ears. Children stopped skipping; running or causing mischief instead all of them ran towards the party hall. "Cake, Cake!!"- They cheered with bright and sunny grins on their faces. The girls ran swiftly, their beautiful gowns with soft ruffles, float past with elegance. Pearls and crystals were carefully embroidered on each of the luxurious dresses. The boys briskly ran across the freshly cut grass. They were smartly dressed in checked shirts and a range of different ties. They all made it towards the finish line! They were so lively and optimistic. They looked at the beautiful masterpiece in front of them. Their taste buds were tingling just at the sight of this irresistible delicacy. The chocolate cake was covered with a sweet sugar paste, and hand-decorated with dainty roses. There were snow-white swirls going around the finely decorate cake. The birthday girl was about to cut the cake. She pierced the perfect cake with her sharp knife; it was oozing with indulgent chocolate. Everyone took a slice for themselves; some even had three or four, seeing as it was so delicious.
It was getting late. It was getting dark, millions of stars shone in the navy blue sky. It was time to say our goodbyes, to friends and families. Memories like this one will forever stay in our hearts.
Please give feedback :) and i will return the favour
This is really good! I never felt like I wanted to stop reading, and believe me it takes something pretty good to keep me interested. I love the details, I can really see it. You are a way better writer than I have ever been and I'm graduating this year.
I like the detailed descriptions you have in your essay.
I would suggest working more on the last paragraph.
Try to develop the main idea.
Good luck!
Yes I have to admit I was struggling with the last paragraph do you have any suggestions in how I could end it or what I could mention in the last paragraph to introduce the ending? help would be highly appreciated
Hi again, are you in high school, or are you 9 years old? There is a big difference. Lol. But BTW did you edit this? I liked the descriptions:)
Review my new essay? Lol
No you are probably refering to the amarican grading system. Here in UK when people say Year nine they mean grade nine. I wrote the whole essay independently.
Oh, you are from the UK? In US, we call it Freshmen for the first year in high school. Well nice job on your essay, so you just learned English?
Well I am not really British, I have lived here for 2 years, I travel a lot so I learn to get used to the places and the school systems in all the different countries. And I always knew English because they thought it in Dubai-when I was a girl when I lived there-and most people speak English there.
Ah, Dubai is a nice place, I want to go there :)
Anyone have any other feedback?
I have never seen year 9 year student write like this "Keep it up".
I am new for writing what advice can suggest me to do.
Here i am writing last you edit something for me i really appreciate that and i have little thing to fix can you help me?
