I consider myself a true Floridian. My winter coat is made of denim, my snow is the white caps on ocean waves, and my favorite Christmas tradition is going to the beach.
Florida summers, with their intense heat and humidity, fall under the classification of "extreme weather conditions" and I thrive in them. Sub tropical living has taught me to persevere through even the most extreme weather; using it to my advantage. I have learned to adapt: to transform the sun's rays into surges of vigor, exploit the medicinal qualities of the Atlantic's warm salt water, and appreciate the lubricating qualities of smothering humidity on my skin. Maine winters are just as intense as Florida summers, and I intend to conquer them, too. I'll learn to keep my footing on slippery frozen trails, use "Under Armor" appropriately, and find some benefit in the frequent storms that invade Maine from Canada.
By physically and mentally pressing on in an environment that make others give in, I have gained a resilience that will translate to success during my years at Bates. I've run 5K road races in 97 degree heat; run intervals at four in the afternoon in western Palm Beach County and prepared for state-wide races during a record-setting November heat wave. By practicing in predictable extremes, I've prepared myself to meet unpredictable challenges. As a member of the Bates community, I will become the personification of fortitude. Molded by Florida summers and bedecked by Maine winters, my commitment to academic and athletic excellence will be immovable. By example I'll encourage peers to defy stereotypes and discover themselves in the process.
what do you think?
Sub tropical = Subtropical
What's the prompt? Quite an original idea, well done in the first few lines. ithink your language tries too hard at points, and ends up getting tangled.
e.g. entity of fortitude. - try: paragon of fortitude
e.g. my existence will be an immovable one. - this really doesn't make any sense literally, and what it tries to say has already been said.
Re: encouraging peers to defy stereotypes - sounds a bit odd. Try: encouraging peers to resist being pigeonholed.
Hope that's useful. By the way, could do with some feedback on my CommonApp essay.
And/Or my short answer:
I totally changed it. The prompt is how will you, with your life experiences, contribute to the vitality of Bates
Excellent first sentence, Olivia. I think it can be tacked onto the beginning of the next paragraph, though, so that it is all one para.
And right here I think it is better to simplify:
and appreciate the lubricating qualities of smothering humidity on my skin.
