The true rudeness of a scoff - Amherst Essay

Prompt: "Difficulty need not foreshadow despair or defeat. Rather achievement can be all the more satisfying because of obstacles surmounted."

Title: The true rudeness of a *scoff*

Essay: At the end of eighth grade, life was a breeze. I graduated with top honors out of the forty kids in my class, with hopes of doing the same in high school. Let's just say, having hope was one thing, applying it was another. My high school schedule included the most difficult classes I could take; one being honors algebra II. Upon entry into the class, everyone was asked to turn in their completed summer assignments. I was utterly dumbfounded. What completion? What assignment? What ignoramus would possibly assign work over summer? As Mrs. Ahern went about the rows, collecting the mandatory assignments, I sat quietly in my seat, cowering in what seems to be a mixture of fear and post-gym sweat. Once she got to me, I flashed her an awkward smile. I told her that I was unaware we had an assignment and she replied with a question, "What school did you go to?" I answered, "The Charter." Her rebuttal was a scoff, followed by a, "That's why." "You're failing me, aren't you?"I instantly thought. Over the progression of the course, I was barely keeping up. Apparently, I had not realized that my Charter school only finished up half of pre-algebra. I was one and a half algebra level behind. But although I had trouble with the course and teacher, I was foreign and foreigners are stereotypically great at mathematics. Throughout the course, I gradually became one of Mrs. Ahern's favorites, earning one of the highest grades in the class. In the end, it was not the grade that was the achievement but rather the new perspective that dawned upon my algebra teacher. It was satisfying to know she believed in me, and hopefully any future student who comes from the "ghetto."

Please be critical, harsh or whatever you have to be...

Also, do anyone know if I have to rewrite the prompt into my essay once I submit it?

Hi :) I can try to help with a few things:

Let's just say, having hope was one thing, applying it was another. I would say this idea in a different way. The wording sounds a little bumpy.

Excellent description of the moment you realized you had not prepared the homework required, i can really imagine how you felt.

But although I had trouble with the course and teacher, I was foreign and foreigners are stereotypically great at mathematics. It might sound better if you did not use the stereotyping part, maybe say it is part of your culture to excel at math, but don't make it sound like your ethnicity is the only reason you did well. You must have studied hard, even though you are a natural at math.

I am guessing that you ought to head the paper with the prompt question, but i am not positive. It seems to make sense, because without the prompt, how will they know which question you are answering?

I think the stereotype line works against you, the admission officers won't like any stereotypical mindset, even if you were poking fun at it.

the "ghetto" could be excluded too.

Thanks and I completely agree with you. I was really iffy about the foreigner thing; I wanted to write something about being naturally great at math but I was running out of characters so I panicked...