A truly effective leader must be visionary - North Carolina State

Please explain your personal view of leadership and how this view has influenced you to make a difference in your home, school and/or community.

To me, a leader is one who is able to guide his people on the right path towards success. Therefore, I believe that a truly effective leader must be visionary. I have always held this viewpoint and put it to use it whenever I was able to provide leadership. The Relay for Life team at my school participates in an annual fundraising event. One year in particular, however, they did not know how they wished to proceed due to a lack of preparation and guidance.

As the event was approaching, I decided to take charge of our team and developed a plan for organizing our fundraising activities. I directed our team members to do specific jobs such as making posters, gathering decorations, and handing out flyers. All these activities allowed us to be prepared for the event. When it came time for the actual event, I also took the initiative of organizing the fundraising activities such as preparing the children's' games and regulating our t-shirt sales. I was able to provide the needed guidance and assistance to them. The event turned out to be a great success.

The character limit is also 500 characters. I'm not sure on where to shorten it.

There is a disconnection in the essay between your definition of being a leader, which is that of being a visionary, while the rest of the essay talks about your activity as a leader in an organizational sense. Therefore, you definition and your actions as a leader to not support each other. You need to either change your definition of a leader or mention more visionary centered leadership activities that you participated in. Your essay will benefit from the definition you choose either way. I suggest choosing leadership in an organizational sense because it will mean that you won't have to revise anything other than the introductory portion of your essay. Feel free to follow your own decision though. I am merely advising you regarding what I believe to be the correct action to take :-)

After you fix the theme and concentration of the essay, we can finally fix the grammar and punctuation problems that exist within it. Don't worry, you will be able to submit this essay within the word limit. I'll make sure of that even if you go over the maximum word count assignment for this essay :-)

I think you should delete the third sentence. Seems irrelevant. Also consider adding more. The limit is 500 words which means to get it near 500 words. Looks about 250 right now. You also might want to explain a little more how you were visionary

Thank you. I have changed the second sentence to: Therefore, I believe that a truly effective leader must be organized and efficient.
I have also removed the third sentence. Is there anything else?