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"Being a twin" University of Madison App



tstephenson 3 / 6  
Oct 27, 2010   #1
This is my first essay for Madison, and its my dream school, so if you have an suggestions or advice i would appericate it. Thanks! Here's the prompt:

The University values an educational environment that provides all members of the campus community with opportunities to grow and develop intellectually, personally, culturally and socially. In order to give us a more complete picture of you as an individual, please tell us about the particular life experiences, perspectives, talents, commitments and/or interests you will bring to our campus. In other words, how will your presence enrich our community?

Growing up I've always had one person there for me, someone that knows me from the inside out. A person that knows my strengths as well as my weaknesses, and has been there for me through tragedies and helped me dodge obstacles. I've had a person that has been a devoted friend to me for eighteen years; someone to laugh, cry, play, and blow my birthday candles out with. This person is my twin brother.

Being a twin is something that I take great pride in, and something that sets me apart from other people. It has presented me with a variety of opportunities and taught me valuable lessons. My brother has been an enormous aspect of my life since the day we were born, and will continue to be in the future. He is an important part of my life, much like I am a part of his and we have shaped and molded each other to be the people that we are today.

Although being a twin has positive aspects, there are certain downfalls too. Ever since I can remember Parker has been the one that has excelled academically while I have always fell a little short, and I have excelled athletically .While he was getting straight A's effortlessly in every subject, I was diligently working to earn A's and B's. As we entered junior high the pattern seemed to become more apparent that I could never surpass the level of academic achievement that he was accustomed to. After realizing this, I began to search for talents that made me stand out as well. After trial and error I realized that I was able to excel more in the athletic field and slowly started to focus on that by joining the school's cross country, volleyball, and soccer teams. As we entered high school I was still accustomed to the fact that I would be the twin that was not quite at the same level of academic achievement. It always seemed that Parker stood out while I was hidden in the dark, and people around me noticed as well. I took this as a challenge to prove to others that I wasn't just one of many stars in the sky, but that I could be my own person and stand out as well. As a result, during my freshman year I got involved in class council running for a position in office, varsity cross country, gymnastics, and varsity track. After proving to myself that I could be a leader, I started to prove it to others as well. My teachers took into account that I was involved and that I took value in my studies, as did my coaches. Furthermore, this led me to amplify my leadership qualities throughout my high school career as I continued to be an officer of class council for four years, a captain of all three of my sports for both my Junior and Senior years, and being chosen to be a part of the Principals leadership Committee. As a University of Wisconsin Madison student I will bring my leadership qualities to the campus by getting involved in the cross country and track program, where I will further use my leadership skills to help build the team, as well as getting involved in clubs, and using past experience by getting involved in student government. I'm eagerly anticipating attending Madison so that I can further develop and build on my leadership qualities in hopes that I can use these attributes to help me succeed in the future.

Traycat 4 / 9  
Oct 27, 2010   #2
Great writing!! But I believe you could have written better.
I think you did not answer the question well. Well, you much concentrated on your twin story rather than answering the question. Instead of focusing on the story, you could have written more about how you will contribute to the the college(You have written just 3-4 last sentences regarding this)

Though stick with the twin comparison analogy.

If I were you, I would stick with the twin comparison analogy and then gradually would write more about how will I contribute to the society.

As far as I'm concerned, I didn't find any grammatical errors.
OP tstephenson 3 / 6  
Oct 28, 2010   #3
Okay ill be sure to add more about that. Thanks so much for the advice!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13053  
Nov 5, 2010   #4
Growing up, I've always had one person there for me, someone that knows me from the inside out. A person that knows my strengths as well as my weaknesses, and has been there for me through tragedies and helped me dodge obstacles. I've had a person that has been a devoted friend to me for eighteen years; someone to laugh, cry, play, and blow my birthday candles out with This sentence is too cheesy.

This person is my twin brother. Consider ending the first paragraph with a sentence that contains more meaning. Otherwise, it is a waste of an opportunity to leave the reader with an idea to think about between para #1 and para #2.

:-)

Being a twin is something that I take great pride ... part of his and we have shaped and molded each other to be the people that we are today. ---All this stuff is insubstantial. If you read it again, you'll see what I mean. It contains no meaningful, interesting idea.

This is where it becomes meaningful:
Although being a twin has positive aspects, there are certain downfalls too. Ever since I can remember Parker has been the one that has excelled academically while I have always fell a little short, and I have excelled athletically .

And throughout the rest of the essay, you write well but you have too much story and not enough self-evaluation... not enough self-analysis. You should use the theme of being a twin to help you distinguish what makes you unique... and tell about your intentions.

Also, at the end you could use words that provide an experience for the reader... instead of "attributes to help me succeed in the future," you could talk about a PARTICULAR goal that these attributes could help you achieve.


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