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'two boxes at Christmas' - A significant event that defined who I am - QB Essay


MrMaro 4 / 12 2  
Sep 23, 2012   #1
The prompt is to --> Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you. (500 word limit). I am not very good at writing personal statements, and any help would be greatly appreciated. I feel that there is something missing from this essay, and it feels kind of loose, I don't know, maybe I'm being too harsh on myself. But anyways, please give it a look and tell me what you think, thank you very much!

Two uncompromising eyes glared at me, they saw straight through me; I was completely naked in front of them, defenseless, hopeless, and bare. Their gaze shredded through my lies and excuses, and delved into my heart. They were silent, they were loud, they were forgiving, they were critical, they were calm, they anxious, they were patient, they were fed-up; they were mine. I shut the boxes. But still I felt their pressure, their burden, their shame. I rose, washed my face, changed, and went back to the boxes, and opened them. I saw myself, staring right back at me; the looking glass was looking at me; he was waiting for my answer, he was waiting for his future, he was waiting for me.

I received the two boxes for my first Christmas; two humble, delicate, empty, cardboard boxes wrapped in faded Vietnamese newspaper. Christmas day, my parents called me over to our makeshift Christmas tree and handed me the first gift. I eagerly tore through the grey paper, only to uncover an empty box. My dad came over and hugged me, "Everything inside went out as soon as you opened it. In it was our love for." he held me tightly, "Whenever you need to, just open the box, and our love will come flowing out again." With equal enthusiasm, I ripped apart my next gift, only to find the same brown box, empty. My mom sat by me and kissed my forehead, "This one has all your dreams, everything and anything you will ever want, will one day show up in here." As I open my last gift, my eyes shined as my hands unveiled a brand new pair of Superman shoes; I rushed to my parents and embraced them, thanking them for the shoes. That Christmas, I received a box with love, a box with dreams, and a box of Superman shoes.

The shoes are gone, but the boxes still remain on my desk today, but now, with two delicately fitted mirrors in each. I finally understood. My parents crammed the entire world into two little boxes, wrapped them up, and gave them to me. The boxes are promises, given by my parents, but kept by me. They are a promise of limitless love, and a future, that shone brilliantly like the sun, but it is up to me to make the promise come true. The boxes will remain empty, and only I can fill them with my aspirations and love. Often times, I would lose myself, but when I open the boxes, I see what I am fighting for. I am fighting for my parents' love, I am fighting for my future, I am fighting for me. I saw my past, present, and future, staring straight at me, beckoning me to move on. I see a child, with nothing he wanted, but everything he needed; a teenager, looking for himself inside a box that contained the world; and a man, with the sun cupped in his hands.
Jennyflower81 - / 690 96  
Sep 23, 2012   #2
Hi :) I really like the way you wrote this essay, especially the last part of it. I think you should re-do the first paragraph though. The content is great, but I think you should take the same ideas and re-word them. Something about that first paragraph sounds a bit disjointed and like rambling a little bit. Try to really catch the reader's eye, draw them in to read the rest of your paper. I can't find any grammar mistakes, but you write with a lot of commas so maybe try to not overdo that. I think you have done a fine job with your paper. Lots of luck in school :)
hannahlorelei 3 / 11  
Sep 23, 2012   #3
Awesome content.

I agree with Jennyflower81, the first paragraph could use some editing. Beyond that, you're set! (:
OP MrMaro 4 / 12 2  
Sep 23, 2012   #4
How about this for the intro?:

I desperately tried to look away, but his eyes drawn me in. It was as if they were trying to look inside me, searching for an abundant sky, staring straight across, into a dazzling sun. They were pleading for a reply, a reason why I stopped, why I gave up. I shut the boxes, but eyes were still fresh in my mind. I stood up, washed my face, changed, and went back to the boxes, to faced them again. I saw myself, staring right back at me; the looking glass was looking at me; he was waiting for my answer, he was waiting for his future, he was waiting for me.
hannahlorelei 3 / 11  
Sep 23, 2012   #5
MUCH more clear. Great improvements.
uscuscusc 9 / 27 2  
Sep 23, 2012   #6
It's really great, one minor mistake
they were anxious
its really good though


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