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"Two Busts To My Left" - choice of your own college essay


crada 2 / 6  
Aug 7, 2012   #1
Basically this is a choice of your own college essay and I wanted to see if it was good or not. I typically have trouble with grammar and punctuation but I try to make up with creativity. So I really want to see my mistakes and your reaction to several parts thanks so much

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The Two Busts to My Left

I lay outstretched on my bed. I am not alone. There are watchful eyes staring at me slipping into sleep. The eyes belong to two busts to my left sitting atop my bookshelf, but these two busts hold more stories than my puny bookcase can hold. They hold their own stories that tell a tale of who I am. They weave a yarn about a boy whose two loves of running and neuroscience are intertwined. This is their story, but also my memoir.

The 100 billion neurons in the brain firing action potentials, traveling through dendrites and axons, and signaling neurotransmitters are some of the actions that contribute to a reaction greater than the sum of its parts: a runner's stride. The first bust is a picture of my sports idol Roger Bannister. Roger Bannister is famous for breaking four minutes in the mile- at the time a biological impossibility. Under his example, my running has transcended a trivial and frivolous game into a science, a philosophy, and a lifestyle. Through my years of running I have traded physical and emotional pain for knowledge of myself. The edifying process of running has helped develop my identity and character. As a perpetual student I have found my identity as an athlete and a scholar. Sir Bannister was able to conquer his feat while rigorously studying Neuroscience at Oxford University. He exemplified that there doesn't have to be a dichotomy separating a student and an athlete- you can excel at both. Yet while I have dedicated my life to my studies and my sport, I have chosen to enrich my character by devoting myself to civil service. I dedicate my life to service to help others, this charge has led me to the rank of Eagle scout and starting two charities. My next service venture will be to dedicate my life to helping those with neurodegenerative disease: an unparalleled passion revealed by my second bust.

William Shakespeare, Edgar Allen Poe, Sherlock Holmes, and I share a grotesque companion: a skull. While theirs were more than likely pulled off of a barely cold cadaver, my plastic Sancho Panza was daringly snatched from a High School Halloween dance. He sits covered by my amateur anatomical dissections dotted along every fissure and lobe. This skull expresses my love for Neuroscience- the study of a three-pound grey mass that uses less energy than a refrigerator light bulb, but can produce symphonies, savants, innovations, and emotions. The beautiful balance between science and intangible expression creates a harmony that allures me. I read everything about neuroscience. I wake to read. I sleep to wake. My curiosity for knowledge is insatiable and neuroscience feeds the addiction better than any subject I have been taught. That is why on the precipice of a new chapter I've chosen to indulge these two busts. The empty skull or Bannister's picture, means more than just a homely decoration. These two busts are a part of me.
tracked89 1 / 11  
Aug 8, 2012   #2
Looks good! I like your style, but your language can be overly complicated and somewhat hard to understand. I think you have a great starting point, and the essay would be even better if it was less abstract.
KhanhZ 5 / 131 7  
Aug 8, 2012   #3
Hello, Cormac)
Very nice essay) I like it.

Some of my suggestions:

... at me slipping into sleep. The Those eyes belong to two...

butthese two busts hold more stories than my puny bookcase can hold. They hold their own stories that tell a tale of who I am . (combine together)

They weave a yarn about a boy , whose

This is their story, but also my memoir as well as mine.

and axons, and signaling neurotransmitters -- those are some of the actions processes that contribute to a reaction greater than the sum of its parts(what do you mean? runner's stride greater than all those neuro processes? )

my running has transcended atrivial and frivolous game (you mean running is a game? sounds kinda strange )

As a perpetual student , I have found my identity as both an athlete and a scholar

conquer his feat , while rigorously studying Neuroscience

... be a dichotomy , separating a student and an athlete

I dedicate my life to service to of helping others


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