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'two diligent parents' - UC Application Prompt #1



M_Squared 3 / 8  
Nov 19, 2012   #1
DON'T HOLD BACK! I'd love to hear your great, positive criticism!

Describe the world you come from- for example, your family, community, or school- and tell us how your world has shaped my dreams and aspirations.

****My intros are usually my weak spot.

My world is my family. My family? They're a group of fun-loving motivators with high expectations for me. It's understandable that the phrase "dream big" may seem a little clichĂŠ in this case, but that's exactly what I was raised to do. Dream big.

From growing up with two hard working parents, to seeing my sister achieve her goal of attending law school, there's no doubt that I feel a little pressure reach equal success. The feeling of all eyes on me. The nonstop, overflow of questions, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" "Are you ready for life after high school?" "What's your intended major?" At times, those moments are an overwhelming haze, but through it all, the characteristics of my family are what help me see my ambitions clearly, which is to research and find a cure for Alzheimer's disease.

I'm the youngest child to two diligent parents. My mother works full time as a nurse and for the past twenty-two years, my father has worked nights at a warehouse in order to spend time with my sister and I during the day. I was brought up with the fact that having faith and standing up on my own two feet will get an individual far in life. Support and guidance from my parents are definitely important, but that doesn't call for complete dependency. I was taught to tackle adversities and chase my aspirations, to stand firm for what I believe in, and that I can't please everyone. Then there's my sister. She doesn't have to say word to me. Watching her go after her goal is what pushes me forward to what I dream of becoming. The positivity I see coming from my family gives me insight of how I want to go forth with my future. The qualities of my family are planted in me and I've grown into a determined go-getter. I'm driven to cure this disease so that seniors can grow old with grace and dignity. I want to demolish the worry families' hold about this illness. It's not that I can't slack in life, I don't want to slack.

With the strong foundation my parents built and the inspiring achievement of my sister, I have what it takes to thrive in life after high school. I have no doubts that my families' encouragement and high standards will keep me rooted in my studies as I continue on to a university. Though there may be bumps along the road ahead, nothing will stop me. After all, I was raised to do one thing. Dream big.

Staniel 2 / 4  
Nov 19, 2012   #2
I found the idea of your essay very cute and I like it. The inspiration to "dream big" that you have received from your family is very evident. There are a few modifications needed to make your essay better though:

1) I like what you were trying to do with the question "my family?" in order to segue into your definition of them, but I don't really think it is very effective. I think you should delete it. Plus, the flow in your essay will become much more fluid.

2) "pressure [to] reach equal success"
3) Be very careful about the series of questions because they make you seem as if you are being pressured into going to college and haphazardly making decisions about what you want to do with your life before you actually know. Instead, you should use that space to show how you have "dreamed big." Let your passion for it be released into your writing. Basically, I would avoid saying that you were pressured.

4) Tie your interest in discovering a cure for Alzheimer's disease to your family's encouragement of you to "dream big." It will make your essay more coherent.

5) "I'm the youngest child to two diligent parents. My mother works full time as a nurse and for the past twenty-two years, my father has worked nights at a warehouse in order to spend time with my sister and I during the day." This sentence is kind of off topic and detracts from your message.

6) "I'm the youngest child [of] two diligent parents" (If you decide to keep it.)
7) Provide a concrete example for how your parents have inspired you to "dream big" or example where you have "dreamed big" and acted upon them. The passion is lacking somewhat. Don't be afraid to show it.

I really hoped this helped. I also hope it wasn't too harsh. My friends say that I tend to be harsh occasionally. So if I am, don't take it personally :/
OP M_Squared 3 / 8  
Nov 19, 2012   #3
I love your critiques! It's alirght to be harsh in this case haha we these essays are part of what gets us accepted. I think I couldve been nicer with your essay. I just got the impression that you were king genius or something.. But thanks for the advice. I'll definetly use it
Staniel 2 / 4  
Nov 19, 2012   #4
Oh no! I try my best not to be a smart-alec. :) Plus your comments were very accurate to how others describe my writing (devoid of emotion and overly pedantic). Believe me, I went through many drafts with my second essay :)


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