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"I'm not your typical girl" - Texas Essay



hendhawks 2 / 5  
Aug 17, 2010   #1
This is an essay for different colleges around Texas. So, this is very important to me. I struggle a lot in English, so your help would be greatly appreciated. I just ask of you to tell me what you think? Is it good? Bad? Run on sentences? any bad English? What kind of impression did you get of me? ANYTHING? you know advice! :) thanks do much for helping me out with my future

TOPIC:
There may be personal information that you want to be considered as part of your admissions application. Write an essay describing that information. You might include exceptional hardships, challenges, or opportunities that have shaped or impacted your abilities or academic credentials, personal responsibilities, exceptional achievements or talents, educational goals, or ways in which you might contribute to an institution committed to creating a diverse learning environment.

MY ESSAY:

A lot of girls would say "I'm not your typical girl". So, I'm not going to say that. I am going to tell you I am not your typical human being. I'm not your typical first quartile student. I'm not your typical athlete. I'm not typical. But I am Micaela Marshall, and I am a leader and I am very competitive and I love math. Those are four things I know for sure about me.

Micaela is my first name (pronounced like mah-kay-la). I never liked my name, even as a child. I gave myself nick names like Crystal Unicorn. From the ages 3 to 6 I was Crystal Unicorn. I introduced myself as Crystal Unicorn, and I believed before I was human I was a unicorn. After the name became not cool anymore amongst my peers because I still think Crystal Unicorn is an awesome name, I dropped it. I went with my enforced name Micaela for awhile. In third grade there was another Micaela, but spelt with a K. Because the darker, taller, and black harried girl wasn't different enough from me, my classmates renamed me Cici (to enforce that I spelt Micaela with a C not a K). The name grew on me and I was now known as Cici. As I started middle school, the effort to enforce my nickname on everyone was difficult. Instead of having one teacher I had seven. Telling all seven to memorize my name by not what the roll chart says seemed unfair to them. So, I was back to Micaela. Of course I have no clue why people can't pronounce Micaela, but I am a little bias because I have heard my name pronounced correctly throughout my life infinite amount of times. I usually hear people try to pronounce my name as Michael. "Michael Marshall?" my substitute teacher will say while calling roll. Another pronunciation I hear is My-chay-la and Mic-eye-ay-la. Sometimes friends and family are too lazy to form the M sound so they just go for Kayla. Being called Kayla by my mom or dad especially annoys me because why would you name me one terrible name and call me by the shortened version of it. I tried spelling my name different ways, and I like how MсKayla is spelt. But I can't run from my name and I can't hide from my name either. My name will always be mine, and we are currently developing a better relationship. I'm not as reluctant to tell people how to pronounce my name, and my name makes me giggle sometimes by reminding me how I used to call myself Crystal Unicorn. No matter how hard I try to or how hard my peers try to, I always am Micaela Marshall. Now, my middle name? That is another story.

Leaders are a lot of things but they are the ones that rise in situations where no one else can. Being a leader has driven me to decide that I want to be in the Air Force after college. Men and woman who fight and die for their country are heroes. Leaders always strive to improve themselves, which is why I want to be a hero. Leaders also show dedication to everything. I love sports. In High School I participated in Track, Wrestling and Basketball. Dedication and being a part of something has always makes me feel good. There were times though that I just wanted to give up, I didn't want to wake up early for practice, I was so sore. Looking back through my high school years I don't know how I did it, but I never missed one practice. Somehow I found strength. Giving up is easy but sticking with something is rewarding. I think leaders are able to do the right thing in any situation, even if they don't want to. My friend Corey was sitting alone at lunch because he was new at my high school. I was with all my friends when he sat at the table next to ours, all alone. "Go sit with him, Micaela!" one of my friends said followed by a giggle then followed by a yeah's from everyone else. I didn't know what they were talking about until I looked up and saw Corey, he was tall, overweight, he dressed like a skater boy and his hair looked dirty. Because of his features I can see why my school labeled him as an outcast. I went to go sit with him. I have to admit, I didn't want to. I was worried what people might think. When I got to his table I introduced myself and asked him things like: where are you from? What grade are you in? Etc... Corey was not usual. He made jokes that weren't funny and was quite strange. That's probably why he and I became friends. After lunch was over and we went our separate ways, my coach came up to me. He saw what I did, and was impressed. He wanted to give me a "good referral". A good referral is just a piece of paper that had my name on it and went up in the hallway. I told him that would be nice. I also believe leaders work hard at everything they are involved in. My parents and I expect me to have grades that are above 80's, and take all advance courses. The majority of time I surpass this expectation. Having an 80 or above in advance English is hard for me. English is my weakest subject. I have to re read things to understand it. I have to study longer to comprehend the subject. I find myself waking up early regularly so I can go to tutoring. I have to put in extra effort in all my classes, but especially in English. My extra endeavor usually pays off. I not being naturally good at English. We all have something that were just not good at, and something we excel at. I have a strong point in math.

Most girls don't like math as much as I do. For me, everything is an equation. I look at the clock and multiply all the numbers, then divide sum by the first number. I am in the car driving and I see a sign that reads, Austin 45 miles out and I try to figure the exact time I will get there based on my speed. Math comes easy to me. Sometimes in class when we get our test grades back and a lot of people have failed it, I usually pass. Then I try to help some of my peers understand how to fix what they did. They didn't fail because they are dumb, or incapable, it's just not their strong point. I enjoy tutoring them in my favorite subject, and in return they could tutor me in English. Everyone is different. Some people are amazing artist, while drawing a stick figure to me is hard. I hope that my future career deals with a lot of math. Math has been around forever, and will continue to be around forever. Math never changes 2 +2 will always equal 4.

qpnguyen 2 / 4  
Aug 17, 2010   #2
first impression upon reading this: you have really good ideas but I feel that parts are wordy. I get what you are trying to say and that would be how you would say it in conversation but I feel a few parts are a bit informal and not really fitting for a college essay.

Also, your transitions between ideas and paragraphs are a bit unclear. Maybe try to find a way for them to flow together.
OP hendhawks 2 / 5  
Aug 17, 2010   #3
Okay, thanks for the help. yeah it is a little hard to understand. so how do you suggest I make this more formal?
OP hendhawks 2 / 5  
Aug 17, 2010   #4
A lot of girls would say "I'm not your typical girl". So, I'm not going to say that. I am going to tell you I am not your typical human being. I'm not your typical first quartile student. I'm not your typical athlete. I'm not typical. But I am Micaela Marshall, and I am a leader and I am very competitive and I love math. Those are four things I know for sure about me.

Micaela is my first name (pronounced like mah-kay-la). I never liked my name, even as a child. I gave myself nick names like Crystal Unicorn. From the ages 3 to 6 I was Crystal Unicorn. I introduced myself as Crystal Unicorn, and I believed before I was human I was a unicorn. After the name became not cool anymore amongst my peers because I still think Crystal Unicorn is an awesome name, I dropped it. I went with my enforced name Micaela for awhile. In third grade there was another Micaela, but spelt with a K. Because the darker, taller, and black harried girl wasn't different enough from me, my classmates renamed me Cici (to enforce that I spelt Micaela with a C not a K). The name grew on me and I was now known as Cici. As I started middle school, the effort to enforce my nickname on everyone was difficult. Instead of having one teacher I had seven. Telling all seven to memorize my name by not what the roll chart says seemed unfair to them. So, I was back to Micaela. Of course I have no clue why people can't pronounce Micaela, but I am a little bias because I have heard my name pronounced correctly throughout my life infinite amount of times. I usually hear people try to pronounce my name as Michael. "Michael Marshall?" my substitute teacher will say while calling roll. Another pronunciation I hear is My-chay-la and Mic-eye-ay-la. Sometimes friends and family are too lazy to form the M sound so they just go for Kayla. Being called Kayla by my mom or dad especially annoys me because why would you name me one terrible name and call me by the shortened version of it. I tried spelling my name different ways, and I like how MсKayla is spelt. But I can't run from my name and I can't hide from my name either. My name will always be mine, and we are currently developing a better relationship. I'm not as reluctant to tell people how to pronounce my name, and my name makes me giggle sometimes by reminding me how I used to call myself Crystal Unicorn. No matter how hard I try to or how hard my peers try to, I always am Micaela Marshall. Now, my middle name? That is another story.

Leaders are a lot of things but they are the ones that rise in situations where no one else can. Being a leader has driven me to decide that I want to be in the Air Force after college. Men and woman who fight and die for their country are heroes. Leaders always strive to improve themselves, which is why I want to be a hero. Leaders also show dedication to everything. I love sports. In High School I participated in Track, Wrestling, and Basketball. Dedication and being a part of something has always makes me feel good. There were times though that I just wanted to give up, I didn't want to wake up early for practice, I was so sore. Looking back through my high school years I don't know how I did it, but I never missed one practice. Somehow I found strength. Giving up is easy but sticking with something is rewarding. I think leaders are able to do the right thing in any situation, even if they don't want to. My friend Corey was sitting alone at lunch because he was new at my high school. I was with all my friends when he sat at the table next to ours, all alone. "Go sit with him, Micaela!" one of my friends said followed by a giggle then followed by a yeah's from everyone else. I didn't know what they were talking about until I looked up and saw Corey, he was tall, overweight, he dressed like a skater boy and his hair looked dirty. Because of his features I can see why my school labeled him as an outcast. I went to go sit with him. I have to admit, I didn't want to. I was worried what people might think. When I got to his table I introduced myself and asked him things like: where are you from? What grade are you in? Etc... Corey was not usual. He made jokes that weren't funny and was quite strange. That's probably why he and I became friends. After lunch was over and we went our separate ways, my coach came up to me. He saw what I did, and was impressed. He wanted to give me a "good referral". A good referral is just a piece of paper that had my name on it and went up in the hallway. I told him that would be nice. I also believe leaders work hard at everything they are involved in. My parents and I expect me to have grades that are above 80's, and take all advance courses. The majority of time I surpass this expectation. Having an 80 or above in advance English is hard for me. English is my weakest subject. I have to re read things to understand it. I have to study longer to comprehend the subject. I find myself waking up early regularly so I can go to tutoring. I have to put in extra effort in all my classes, but especially in English. My extra endeavor usually pays off. I not being naturally good at English. We all have something that were just not good at, and something we excel at. I have a strong point in math.

Most girls don't like math as much as I do. For me, everything is an equation. I look at the clock and multiply all the numbers, then divide sum by the first number. I am in the car driving and I see a sign that reads, Austin 45 miles out and I try to figure the exact time I will get there based on my speed. Math comes easy to me. Sometimes in class when we get our test grades back and a lot of people have failed it, I usually pass. Then I try to help some of my peers understand how to fix what they did. They didn't fail because they are dumb, or incapable, it's just not their strong point. I enjoy tutoring them in my favorite subject, and in return they could tutor me in English. Everyone is different. Some people are amazing artist, while drawing a stick figure to me is hard. I hope that my future career deals with a lot of math. Math has been around forever, and will continue to be around forever. Math never changes 2 +2 will always equal 4.
zengrz - / 89  
Aug 18, 2010   #5
Hi.

This essay is very interesting and I can feel your desire to describe yourself as fully as possible, but the essay ended up very scattered and lack the focus that the readers will be looking for. Are you trying to talk about the language barrier you have to overcome or your strong ability at mathematics? Why are you telling us your name and how people pronounce it? Why are you telling us about the boy you met? There are too many unnatural transition between ideas:

you name -> what you think about leaders -> the boy you met at cafeteria -> you school performance. Pick one of them and focus on it, what you did, what you have learned, what is the significance?

You are a good nature person, I wish you well.

G L~
EF_Kevin 8 / 13053  
Aug 19, 2010   #6
But I am Micaela Marshall, and I am a leader, and I am very competitive, and I love math.

From the ages 3 to 6 I was Crystal Unicorn.--- this is realy cool but at this point int he essay I want to s3ee you start talking about your mission in life, your mission for the next few years... don't tell about ages 3-6. Tell about your plan.

black harried ??

Men and woman who fight and die for their country are heroes. --- obviously!

Leaders always strive to improve themselves, which is why I want to be a hero. --- maybe you did not intend to use both the words leader and hero in this sentence?

Most girls don't like math as much as I do. ---- you can't say stuff like this. You can say "most people don't" but not "most girls don't." IT sounds like you think girls are not as good at math ad guys.

This looks like you are brainstorming before writing the actual essay. That is how to use this. Look at this again, think of your tentative plan for the future, and identify the main ideas. What is the SINGLE most important thing you want the reader to remember?

I hope you can revise this to focus on a clear theme related to your plan for the future. What is YOUR theme.

If you tell a lot of different ideas to the reader, the reader will have her attention divided. Focus only on the most important ideas. :-) There is something excellent about the energy of your writing, so do not lose confidence because of my suggestion!


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