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All the typical hopes and expectations, of being a studious person, were placed on me

sailesh 1 / -  
Dec 2, 2018   #1

UBC Personal Profile Essay

Hey, I've written the admission essay for UBC. Please feel free to provide your opinion and your comments on my essay. Thank you.
And is it acceptable if I exceed the word limit by a few words?

Tell us about who you are. How would your family, friends, and/or members of your community describe you? If possible, please include something about yourself that you are most proud of and why. (maximum 250 words)

Born as a second child in the developing country of Nepal, all the typical hopes and expectations, of being a studious person who grew up either to be a doctor or an engineer were placed on me even before I understood what those professions entailed. I still remember when I heeded those hopes and said that I would grow up to be an astronaut or a scientist; who invented a capsule that could clean Bagmati river in a single day. But sadly, my childish dreams grew with me as I slowly started to grasp the reality of the situation. The once talkative boy who stated his dreams like they were words to a national anthem started to choose his words carefully and created a tight space around him, taking minimum risks and calculating his every action. About the same time everyone around me also started to read the atmosphere that surrounded me and slowly but surely recognized me to be an introverted person.

I stayed as an introvert for majority of my teenage years, but the continuous comfort zone that it provided felt lacking to me. With time that feeling started to grow more stronger causing me to take part in something that I could have never dreamed of; jumping from an 80m tall bridge. The experience that the bungee jump provided, felt like a revelation to me making me realize the joy and ecstasy that prevailing the unexpected could provide which I'm sure will be invaluable throughout my lifetime.

Holt - / 7,546 2001  
Dec 3, 2018   #2
Sailesh, the essay does not respond to the prompt. You are being asked to describe yourself from the POV of your friends, family, or members of your community. However, you are describing yourself in the essay coming from your personal point of view. You must talk to your family, friends, or community members and ask them to describe who you are as per their perception of you as a child (parents point of view), confidante (friends point of view), or member of a local youth group (community point of view). You cannot use this essay because you wrote a personal statement instead of a point of view response.

By the way, about the word count, you cannot go over the word count for any reason. If the maximum is 250 words, then present 250 words or under. The system is designed to cut your essay off at 250 words. While you might be able to edit it in real time before submission, there is a big possibility the system will lock you out during the editing process. Don't take chances, write the appropriate word count before you submit the essay.
leylamagsud 5 / 6 1  
Dec 7, 2018   #3
Sailesh, the essay is good overall, but it doesn't answer the prompt question. Also, you mostly focus on talking about what people expected of you, and not who you really are. As for grammar, there are some punctuation errors you should correct. I hope this helped!

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