UBC Personal Profile, List One or Two Substantial Activities.

Hi this is my response to the question below, thank you for any feedback in advance! I'm also not sure if I should expand on the first activity and get rid of the second, or use both.

Tell us more about ONE or TWO activities listed above that are most important to you.

Please explain the role you played and what you learned in the process. You will be asked for a reference who can speak to your response. (maximum 350 words)

When I walked in for my first shift as a volunteer at the senior center, I was on edge, distraught, and uncomfortable in a foreign environment. The fear from making a mistake kept me inside of my shell, and I became shy and preserved. Everything was out of the ordinary and I had a hard time connecting and finding a groove in this new environment due to my high expectations of myself. As I began to volunteer more and learn how to integrate myself in conversations or simple interactions with seniors, I became more comfortable and relaxed. These early conflicts taught me how to approach a situation with care and to pay attention to detail. Once I had established my own sense of being, I began to try and lead others or initiate conversations, becoming more confident in myself and learning from my past mistakes. These conversations were difficult to find common ground on, and tried my problem solving skills and maturity and overall helped me establish a better sense of respect in the workplace with my fellow volunteers and seniors. This experience in working with seniors has taught me many things, primarily the value of patience, an eye for detail, and hard work.

Over the summer I had a wonderful opportunity to participate in the Explore Program in Quebec to learn the French language and culture in Canada. Signing up with my close friends, I knew that it was going to be a memorable summer. As we were placed in our classes in which I did not recognize anyone. This forced me to come out of my comfort zone and make new friends and take the risk. As our classes progressed we became a close-knit community, like we had known each other for our whole lives. This experience taught me how to be an independent person, create meaningful bonds with people, respect our differences and work together to achieve a common goal while having a great time.

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@mguo
Hello! I'm here to give feedback on your writing.

The first mistake that I noticed in your writing would be the inevitable unnecessary lengthening of messages throughout it. When we take a look at the first paragraph, there were numerous signs of this. One would be how you had used three descriptors in the first sentence even though they virtually mean the same thing. This takes away precious space from your word count that could have been allocated elsewhere. You did the same midway in the writing when you mentioned that there are conversations or simple interactions that took place - both of these mean the same thing also.

Apart from being more aware of that, try to always be mindful of your usage of preposition and punctuation. When it comes to punctuation, try to play around with semi-colons as a way to transition instead of using commas, especially when they're more appropriate in the context. Prepositions should be observed carefully also. For example, your first paragraph's second sentence should have had an of instead of a from. Being more mindful of these mistakes will help you tremendously in the long-run.

There are some minor proofreading errors such as missing articles ...to find a common ground on... and errors of repetition ...and learning from my past mistakes.

I think right now, the volunteering experience conveys similar qualities to that of the French class and that leaves room for you to make a much more fruitful transition rather than an abrupt paragraph change. You can talk about how the commonalities betwen the two helped you capture the lessons and skills in a much fuller manner. On the other hand, I feel that you could merge the lessons a little bit and expand on the first activity as is because I see it as something that has greater room for reflection. That being said, admissions officers do get a lot of volunteering experiences so do keep it in mind and decide accordingly.

Hope I could help!