Core Youth Team - UBC Application Essay for personal profile (activities that are important to you)

Tell us more about ONE or TWO activities that are most important to you.

Please explain the role you played and what you learned in the process.(maximum 350 words)

Hi, thank you for looking this over for me! The following are two possible responses to the above question, which is part of the personal profile for UBC. In the rubric, it is stated that they are looking for leadership, initiative and achieving goals, and a sense of self and community. Please be tough on me as I would really like to get in :). In addition, both of these essays fall just short of the word count, so if you can think of ways to fluff them up, please let me know. Also, please tell me which of these two better hit the points of the rubric.

I was given the opportunity to lead a team within the Core Youth Team which focused on establishing a sense of community amongst our local youth. I led a team of six people; my responsibilities included finding and booking a venue, planning the evening, delegating tasks, finding volunteers, and arranging for supplies and prizes. With a limited budget, it was difficult to find a cost-friendly venue. I did my research and checked in with multiple places, in the end I had to make a compromise and use a room slightly smaller than what we had hoped for. In discussion, I proposed an idea to the team- a game-show styled trivia night - but another member of my team proposed a better one. We saw the potential in his idea, accepted its advantages and decided, with the group's approval, to implement his idea instead. Everyone on the team was given a task that they were in charge of and we met up regularly to discuss how everything was going. The night of the event came and it was a complete success. We had a huge turnout. I gave a short opening speech at the beginning and while I was looking out at everyone, I was thinking of how proud I was of what my team and I accomplished. Through the months of planning and discussing, I believe I have really grown as a leader. I have learned how to handle unfavourable situations and make compromises, as well as how to put aside my own ideas and accept those of others when it was better to.

Hi! I would recommend you select the second one, because it involves more personal feelings from which your development can be observed. Both of the two stories are related to the topic, but the second one seems more convincing and clear.

@Gadflyyy
Hi!
I was reviewing my post and I just noticed I hadn't actually posted the second essay. (Haha whoops) The second essay is as follows: You must post a new essay in a separate thread (reminder: useless comments = ban). EF

When you discuss a topic of importance to you, there needs to be a personal, social, or moral reason behind that activity gaining such a strong interest within you. I do not read that sort of relationship in this presentation. You are portraying yourself as a leader, but without any clear connection to the activity. You have to make sure that your presentation is not mechanical in nature, as you are presenting here. Focus on something that you really consider important. This can be a hobby, an organization you are a member of, or anything that has had a profound impact on your development as a person. In this essay, you are speaking of an organization, which is a good start. However, you focused only on your participation in it. A more appropriate discussion would have you explaining why you joined this organization in the first place, how you participate in it, and what sort of personal, intellectual, moral, or social development you have earned from it. You can discuss all of the previously mentioned aspects in the essay if you believe you have enough information to justify it. Otherwise, use just one of the focus points for the essay.

@Holt
Would it work if I added in, after the first sentence, something along the lines of
'I was very grateful to be given this opportunity as this was an organization that I was very passionate about. I had volunteered with them in the past and had attended meetings but was now granted a higher role.'

And then continue on as before?