Explain how you respond to the problem and/or an familiar situation.
What did you do, what was the outcome, and what did you learn from the experience?
In the April in 2018, I took part in an activity during Anti Bullying Education Week. 3 weeks before the activity night, I began to practice dancing every day and watched the video in order to find where I could improve. Once I had free time, I would ask my friends to watch me dancing and give their comments. In the dress rehearsal, the teacher gave me some suggestions and I considered it carefully. The most difficult problem was overcome fear from the heart, so I told myself that was it was just a chance to challenge myself. It was my turn, so I had a deep breath before I moved my step. I tried to overcome my nervousness with legs shaking and finished the dance. I received applaud and some friends and parents from our class praised me as a brave girl. From this experience, I found that everything worth me to try because I won't know the result is not good if I don't try. In addition, courage is very useful in my future since sometimes we need to be brave trying new things so we can find chance to explore something different even the success.
Firstly, I would like to suggest that you review your text as there are many grammar/spelling mistakes that you might want to fix. Secondly, while I believe that the story of you overcoming your stage fright could make an excellent essay, the way that you have presented it is skimming the surface. I think if you went more into depth about how your stage fright was an actual problem and how overcoming it opened up opportunities for you, that would enhance the quality of this text. Also, between the beginning of the essay and the end, you seem to have switched between two perspectives. You start talking about "I," and then you start talking about "we." Admissions don't want to know about how courage is important to the general population; they want to understand how gaining courage is useful to your life and what you plan on doing with this newfound bravery. I also know with most UBC essays, the word limit is somewhere between 250-350 words, while this essay has only 198 words. I'm also fairly sure that this is not a personal profile question for this year's admissions. While this question was used in past years, the 2019 personal profile does not include it.
@Rachell
Welcome to the forum. As a contributor, here is my feedback on your essay.
Making sharper and more concise sentences can go a long way for these types of content, especially since you are working with an academic essay. If we take a look at the first sentence, it immediately doesn't hit the readers what and why you are writing this essay. Hence, I suggest making this clear from the get-go. Aside from just "describing" what event you had partaken in, try your best to be more precise with language. The first sentence can easily be just a mention of the week's title and how it had impacted you in a way. This way, you aren't wasting space in your essay that you otherwise you could have used elsewhere.
Be more consistent as well when it comes to the technicalities of your writing. It is insufficient to just know what to write. Try to be more persistent with using the right tenses and punctuation marks as I find that you can definitely benefit from these skills to better relay your thoughts and opinions.