difficulties to fit in
In 2013, my mother moved myself and my brother from a small town in Moscow to Vancouver Island, Nanaimo. I was pulled away from my Lyceum, my friends, and my ballet troupe; all things that defined me as a Russian teen. It was incredibly difficult to fit in with Canadian teenagers, especially since I did not speak English. In my first year, I was enrolled a year behind my peers, which made me very frustrated and alienated. I spent the year practicing English in all ways I could; I translated books and movies, overcame my fear of making new friends, and conversed with teachers. I worked only pronunciation and writing with my drama teacher and peers everyday. I felt very vulnerable because I was bullied for my accent, but I always remembered how hard my mother studied English in Moscow. I wanted to make her proud and after all my hard work, I was advanced to the next grade and successfully completed my proficiency tests. I learned how important it is to feel accepted and that hard work always pays off. I no longer have an accent and I have kept up my ambition to never give up.
Overall, good points with specific evidence to back up. However, your ending is fairly cliche, of course "hard work always pays off."
Personally, how is the lesson you learned applicable to other areas of your life, or moving forward in life? Maybe try and cut down a little on your exposition and work more on developing what you learned and how you plan to use that in the future.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 10,356 3367
The topic you have chosen to narrate in this essay is ordinary. Almost all of the immigrant students will have the same story to tell the reviewer. So he will not really be impressed with this presentation. The problems you faced are not extra ordinary. It is commonplace for most immigrant applicants. You should think of something that might be more interesting to the reviewer. Something that other students may not have experienced or have had to deal with. The story you told is memorable to you for sure, but not impressive enough to catch the attention of the reviewer nor tell the reviewer that there was something special about the way that you dealt with the problem. Try to think of something less related to your immigration issues. Something that maybe happened to you in Russia. It doesn't have to be an event that happened to you in Canada. It could have happened anywhere and dealt with any situation. Maybe having the event relate to your time in Russia would be of more interest to the reviewer.
Thank you Holt! I am having hard time coming up with something because I dot really know what would be significant enough. Thank you so much for your feedback
I am wondering if its applicable or too personal to write about mental health problems? I want to stay true to the question and it is truly the most difficult I have encountered. I am just concerned that I would seem weak or it could come off as cliche
UBC personal profile question on how you dealt with unfamiliar and difficult situation try #2
I was working a busy night shift at the restaurant serving the bar crowd and wild university students when two people brought in an unconscious girl. I was the supervisor for the night so she instantly became my responsibility. She was found by strangers and had no valid ID or phone in her purse but I soon realized she was an international student. I was concerned about her wellbeing as she was heavily intoxicated and I had no address to take her home. I remembered my first aid course and made sure she was comfortable as I called 911 when her state got worse. Even though my staff was struggling to keep up with food orders, I prioritized her while calming impatient customers and guiding the staff through the night rush. I later learned that she was heavily drugged at the near nightclub. That night taught me to stay calm and collected during a high-stress situation. Taking the extra care of someone in need could save a life which is way more important than fast service. I have since always payed close attention to all night-time customers and prepare myself for anything that could happen. -200 words max