UBC PERSONAL PROFILE - traits that make me who I am and the love I have for helping others.

prompt:

Please tell us about who you are.

How would your family, friends and/or members of your community describe you? If possible, please include something about yourself that you are most proud of and why.

I wanted to write the first paragraph as if someone who knows me well was describing me but i dont want it to sound as if i got someone to write it for me. I dont want to sound conceited but i also want to highlight my strengths. Does the second paragraph need a conclusion? let me know what you guys think. Thank you!

"she is passionate, devoted, hard-working, loyal..." these descriptions are just a few characteristics that people use to describe her. Who she is can not be described in one word, it is a cluster of traits that make her the best version of a daughter, friend, classmate and student. When her family's business was destroyed after a tragic fire, she did not run in the face of adversity, instead she worked hard to get scholarships in school and was devoted to rebuilding what was lost. Her friends describe her as quirky, creative and funny but also loyal because regardless of what is going on in her life she will always be present when needed. To the people in the community she is a kind and empathetic but also incredibly eager to learn, she will always work to improve by challenging herself and asking questions. This is how someone who knows me well would describe me.

A trait I am most proud of is my desire to help people because this has taught me lifelong lessons about the world and myself. Volunteering in different fields has allowed me to fulfill my passion and learn through hands-on experiences. My position at BC cancer involves one to one conversations with patients, in where many of them confide in me with their personal worries and thoughts. Additionally, running day camps for children who have recently lost a loved one, in partnership with hospice society, requires careful counselling sessions and compassionate empathy.

The descriptions in this piece are quite nice. However, the biggest mistake people make in writing is they fail to show.
Show us how you worked hard, don't use mere adjectives to describe yourself. Instead, maybe describe a scene from your life showcasing the aftermath of your family business being destroyed. Then, leave the admissions officer with a clear description of who you are and let them decide the adjectives.

@ValC You should have used the first person pronoun for this essay because you are describing the way that other people see you. It is alright to say :

My closest friends know about (a particular trait) and have often chided me for it. That is why they describe me to other people as ... My parents though, often tell other people that because I am (trait), they often consider me ... The people whom I work with at the local (community organization) have taken note of my interest in XXX which often leads them to picture me as ....

I often say that, because of the combination of these three traits, I can proudly say that I ...

By using the above format, you better represent the prompt requirements in a manner that is better understood by the reviewer due to the prompt instructions for the presentation. By the way, you do need to close the second paragraph. Give is a closing sentence rather than a concluding paragraph due to word count constraints.

@ValC
Even though the prompt is about describe who you are i kinda feel like that you should also focus on how you grind your day-to-day conflicts / regular hurdles and how much do you try to tackle them. This will make your admission officers to think how apt you are to handle pressures of the program you selected.

- Thanks