UCB Transfer Hopeful

Hi all,

I love reading this site for tips and advice. Does anyone have any that could help my sorry essay? I've been good at writing technical stuff, but not stories with content that needs to make the reader want to admit me into their university!

Berkeley is my primary choice. My GPA was pretty low in my first stint at college. I'm in my early 30's, so my essay is to explain how I came full-circle into Psychology.

Thank you!

First prompt: (intended major)

Why do some depressed patients on anti-psychotic medication turn to suicide? Are there more depressed women coming from male-dominated industries? Is child abuse a growing trend that contributes to adult-onset mental illness? These and many other questions I have pondered over my adult life, I wish to answer through concentrated study in Behavioral Neuroscience and Cognition, Brain, and Behavior at University of California.

My interest in Psychology began at the age of 10, when I was browsing through my mother's Abnormal Psychology textbook. I looked up words that I heard often, like "manic depression" and "schizophrenia." These were disorders that my mother was on medication for, and would likely stay on for the rest of her life. My parents kept prescription bottles in the cabinet, which I had access to. I would read these bottles, curious at their purpose, their meaning - were they even working? I got my answers in the ensuing years, through sometimes physical fights with my parents. It wasn't until I left the house that the tumult subsided, and then real life could begin.

I had gaps in my education, filled by periods of strife and awkward social relations inherited from childhood. I enrolled a full-time student at XXX University in Computer Science at 16, aspiring to become a software engineer to my parents' expectations. I learned how to write code, and started working in a comic book shop, on campus as a graphic designer, and at an imports retailer to put myself through school. A part of me wanted to fulfill the parental career obligation, but another wanted to be social and inspired. A breakthrough in my retail job brought me to an opportunity at a large software company to perform analysis as an intern. I decided to pursue it and see how far I could go.

The internship exposed me to terminology and technology I had never heard of. I learned concepts quickly and asked a lot of questions, hoping to disguise the fact that I didn't really know what I was doing. I moved on to an Internet Service Provider after learning the HTML and Perl languages from Do-It-Yourself books, where I wrote web pages. My school work suffered as I worked longer hours, believing that I was accomplishing a career my parents hoped for. I dropped out of XXX University thinking I'd get back to it, someday. I stopped believing that that scholastic education should define my career, but that my career would define the degree I would eventually seek.

Over the next 14 years, the web work brought me more opportunities with companies specializing in online services and operations. Each position was met with greater challenges of high-pressure deadlines, the expansion of the World Wide Web and demands of its large-scale customers, and exponential changes to the technology and programming languages required to create the products. I diligently chipped away at each set of requirements, all the while wondering if I was cut out for this profession. I was challenged, but I didn't like being sequestered from people. I became more social over the course of learning on-the-job, where my strengths in communication and logical processing flourished. I realized that even with the success of my work, I was happier with accomplishing goals in teams and helping people, more than building systems and writing code. Towards the end of my last job, I realized that I still had enough time in my life to pursue studies in an area that would allow a transition into helping people resolve their emotional problems, while still maintaining a methodical and scientific perspective correlating with my personal strengths. With the state of the economy and hopeful stability of my husband's job, I chose to go back to school and change my major from Computer Science to Psychology.

After a 14-year hiatus from directed college study, I was doing my homework and taking exams again, while working on organizing scholastic goals to become a Psychologist. The years of devising solutions to complex software problems shaped my understanding of how to learn, develop productive study habits, and recognize and invest the required effort to achieve and accept the challenging path that lay ahead. As I opened my eyes and heart to the world in which we are fortunate to live, the questions formed ideas for research in seeking global mental health improvement. Engineering helped me to learn that large-scale concepts could be innovated with adequate planning and analysis of systems and their environments. I know this perspective will generate refreshing ideas and solutions to decode answers to many mental health questions.

My life path is unconventional, but I have learned through experience to make the best of what I have. I am confident in my ability to overcome challenges as I had faced earlier in my youth and as an engineer. I know that through studying at University of California, I will achieve no less than a successful career in Psychology.

Is there a prompt? Is this an undergrad essay? This essay is quite long. I'm not sure if UCB wants a life story.

The sections on the growth of your interest in psychology are strong, and just what admissions committees want to see. However, the section on your computer career derails the flow of the essay. You'll need to find a way to include that information (perhaps in less detail) without breaking the flow.

Thank you for responding! Sorry for the length. Here is the prompt:

What is your intended major? Discuss how your interest in the subject developed and describe any experience you have had in the field-such as volunteer work, internships and employment, participation in student organizations and activities-and what you have gained from your involvement.

(I went the way of explaining what lead me to the path to choose this major, and then what I intend to do with it. I thought I should reflect an experienced, authentic, and realistic perspective. I don't have field experience in the major. I hoped they could see the relationship between what I did and what I want to do.)

EF_Simone, thank you for your feedback! Did you mean to suggest that I should condense and combine these two sections into a shorter paragraph?

The internship exposed me to terminology and technology I had never heard of. I learned concepts quickly and asked a lot of questions, hoping to disguise the fact that I didn't really know what I was doing. I moved on to an Internet Service Provider after learning the HTML and Perl languages from Do-It-Yourself books, where I wrote web pages. My school work suffered as I worked longer hours, believing that I was accomplishing a career my parents hoped for. I dropped out of XXX University thinking I'd get back to it, someday. I stopped believing that that scholastic education should define my career, but that my career would define the degree I would eventually seek.

Over the next 14 years, the web work brought me more opportunities with companies specializing in online services and operations. Each position was met with greater challenges of high-pressure deadlines, the expansion of the World Wide Web and demands of its large-scale customers, and exponential changes to the technology and programming languages required to create the products. I diligently chipped away at each set of requirements, all the while wondering if I was cut out for this profession. I was challenged, but I didn't like being sequestered from people. I became more social over the course of learning on-the-job, where my strengths in communication and logical processing flourished. I realized that even with the success of my work, I was happier with accomplishing goals in teams and helping people, more than building systems and writing code. Towards the end of my last job, I realized that I still had enough time in my life to pursue studies in an area that would allow a transition into helping people resolve their emotional problems, while still maintaining a methodical and scientific perspective correlating with my personal strengths. With the state of the economy and hopeful stability of my husband's job, I chose to go back to school and change my major from Computer Science to Psychology.

I have completely re-worked it.

Thank you for any feedback! The word count is under 590:

When I was in the third grade, I came home from school to find my mother bruised, bleeding, and catatonic. My father explained that she had thrown herself down the stairs. I was confused and shocked. I looked up the words in used to describe her condition, like "manic depression" and "schizophrenia." This experience was my introduction to Psychology.

After many more episodes of self-mutilation and near-death, my mother was put on anti-psychotic medication. I'd find the prescription bottles in the cabinet, and read the labels. Curious at their purpose, their meaning - were they even working? I got my answer in the ensuing years, with constant stress and punishment. These periods were long and frequent, and were the cause for my poor scholastic performance.

My awkward social relations inherited from an abused childhood made it difficult to be employable and organized, so I was determined to get out of my parents' house. I took college classes while in high school, hoping to accelerate getting into college. I graduated at 16, and enrolled as a full-time student at XXX University in Computer Science. I learned how to write code, and worked at three jobs to put myself through school. An opportunity came through one of my jobs to work at a large software company to intern as an analyst. I saw it as a chance to start a new life, so I took the job and moved out.

The internship exposed me to terminology and technology I had never heard of. I learned concepts quickly and asked a lot of questions, hoping to disguise the fact that I didn't really know what I was doing. I moved on after learning the HTML and Perl languages from Do-It-Yourself books, and wrote web pages. My school work suffered as I worked longer hours, believing that this would be the start of a successful career. Though it was a hard decision, I dropped out of XXX University.

Over the next 14 years, my work brought more opportunities with other companies. The expansion of the World Wide Web created greater challenges of high-pressure deadlines and exponential changes in technology to develop products. I diligently chipped away at each set of responsibilities, all the while still wondering if I was cut out for this high-stress profession. I learned to focus where my strengths in communication and logical processing flourished. I realized that even with the success of my technical work, I was happier helping people resolve process problems, more than building systems and writing code. Before I was laid-off from my last job, I realized that I still had enough time in my life to pursue a profession of helping people resolve their emotional problems. I went back to school at a community college and changed my major from Computer Science to Psychology.

As I open my eyes and heart to the world of complication and discovery, the questions I have form ideas to research improvement in global mental health. Engineering has helped me to learn that large-scale concepts could be integrated with adequate planning and analyses of systems and their environments. I know my work and life experiences will generate refreshing ideas and research in the field of Psychology. Is there a direct correlation between high-stress environments and depression? Is child abuse a growth factor that contributes to adult-onset mental illness? How do drug-addicted patients with brain damage regain plasticity in multiple areas? The opportunity to study at University of California will allow me to help answer these questions.

Yes, that's a good idea.

I like the new first line but I want you to add back in the part about going through your mother's college textbooks. That detail is sweet and shows your intellectual curiosity at a young age.

EF_Simone:

Thank you so much for your feedback! I tried to incorporate that tidbit as such:

When I was in the third grade, I came home from school to find my mother bruised, bleeding, and catatonic. My father explained that she had thrown herself down the stairs. I was confused and shocked. Browsing through my mother's old Abnormal Psychology college text book, I looked up the words I'd heard, like "manic depression" and "schizophrenia." This experience was my introduction to Psychology.