"UCF is my first choice" - just need some advice.

Hi, I'm brand new to this forum. My name is Erica. Anyway, I feel like this essay may be lacking (it just reads a bit immature, or is it just me?) But you fine folks seem like good help.

Prompt: Why did you choose to apply to UCF? (No more than 250 words)

I must say, up until just a month ago I was not imagining myself in the group of peers who are expecting to move right into dorms and college life. I wasn't even excited about college, because I wasn't planning to be experiencing anything beyond going to community college and living at home for the next two years. But on a weekend visit to family in Orlando, I got to drop by a friend living on campus at UCF. I was mystified. I can hardly describe it, I just finally felt this overwhelming excitement that everyone else my age already felt. I could really picture myself at this school, and I knew I would love it. And I mean I really knew, because I currently attend a magnet high school that I had to apply for like college, and I had that same feeling of "I belong here" when I first found it. UCF offers the programs I am interested in (elementary education and art), the campus is friendly and clean, and as an active member of an environmental club at my school I was elated to see how easy it is to travel by bike and by foot on campus. I got back home and could not stop praising everything I had seen and heard. After logging onto the website, I felt like I had a great chance at being accepted. UCF is my first choice and getting that coveted acceptance letter would be tremendous.

(246 words)

I must say, up until just a month ago I was not imagining myself in the group of peers who are expecting to move right into dorms and college life. I wasn't even excited about college, because I wasn't planning to be experiencing anything beyond going to community college and living at home for the next two years.

Then use the extra room to talk more about what specifically excited you about UCF. Yes, it offers programs in elementary education and art, but I'm guessing this is true of many other universities. Also, you can travel around most campuses on foot or by bike. And you must have been aware of both of those things before going to visit your friend, so what changed?

And I mean I really knew, because I currently attend a magnet high school that I had to apply for like college, and I had that same feeling of "I belong here" when I first found it.

Think about rewriting this sentence, it seems awkward.

I agree with the above comment in that you should try and come up with more unique reasons why you choose UCF.

The thing is, there really isn't a huge reason I want to go besides
A. Some friends go there and my family lives right near the campus and
B. I'm probably gonna have enough scholarship money to afford it, so I figured I wouldn't waste that at Broward Community College.

You'd assume I knew junk about bikes on campus, wouldn't you? But like I said, I've not cared at all about college until very recently because I just said I was going to BCC.