UChicago extended essay,free topic about two sides of coin and medal)))

Dear EF members if you have time please give me feedback about my UChicago essay. Please be harsh. I used totally new approach because my previous approach was stupid( You can find it at EF too).

I will be glad to repay for your kindness by loking at your essay.
Can you give me some feedback on structure,flow and language usage. I tend to think in Kazakh, therefore I might sound very awkward sometimes.

Thank you in advance.

We know that a coin has two sides. But what about a medal?

I was holding my dream, medal from International Mathematical Olympiad(IMO)-2009. I had been striving to this medal since I firstly saw six young men in sky blue suits at eighth grade. They were members of national team at IMO-2006.Some of them were holding shining medals which riveted my attention. Surrounding journalists and operators were congratulating them with their great achievements. They were my heroes, because they became medalists among 500 brightest students from all over the world. They were pride of the whole nation, while I was hardly pride of my parents. I wanted to become one of them. I wanted to disprove social fact that stutterers can never become famous. It was my dream. Since then my hopes, believes and aspirations evolved around that dream.

For the last three years I imagined myself holding that shining medal. However when I received this medal, it did not shine. I was expected to be the happiest person in the world, but I was not. It seemed that his medal meant nothing for me. It was just a round piece of metal, that would rust after ten years. However I experienced numerous failures in pursuit for this medal. After each failure I lost my heart. Each failure made me regret about problems I could not solve at the competition, but solved afterwards. My life was full of "if"s, like "If I had written my solution more clear, I would have gotten a gold medal".I lost my best friend because of the harsh competition at the tenth grade. When I won many competitions I tended to neglect important casual events such as hanging out with classmates. I treated life as a race because of intensive preparation to approaching math competitions. It seemed that I sacrificed too much in order to get this medal.

Thinking about this medal, suddenly I realized that it influenced my life much stronger than I thought. This medal was a beacon in my life-path. Each time I failed I rose thinking about this medal. It was my first dream, which I placed above all my fears. This medal provided me with a belief in myself. Desire to get this medal carried me into Olympic math class, where I had fun by solving tough problems. With first successes at math I believed in my capability of defeating stutter. Though, sometimes I blinded by fame from victories at competitions, I always left loyal to my dream. Even though I lost some friends at Olympic math class , I gained new friends from all over the world at International math competitions. Owing to my dream I understood importance of failures. When I failed to qualify into IMO-2008, I became very depressed, however this depression made me reconsider my life values. Only then I realized meaninglessness of doing math for fame. At eleventh grade I started doing mathematics for the pleasure of it. By doing so, I became even more successful at math competitions, as I loved what I was doing. Ever since I have never regretted about past failures and lost medals. I started to enjoy math competitions, because I ceased to make plans for the future.

So as we expected same rule holds for the medal, partly because medal is a huge coin. Though I sacrificed many things to achieve this medal, I would not become who I am now unless I followed my dream and achieved this medal. When I looked at that medal I recalled myself coping with stutter and pressure of infinite competitions. I understood that it is more than just a piece of metal. It told a story of Birzhan, story of failures and victories, friends and enemies, sadness and happiness and a great resilience. Therefore when I next time see Michael Phelps I would not wish I were him, because I know that his eight gold medals have sixteen sides.

i wrote this as i go through your essay, so my opinion will change from time to time...so please read the entire thing before countering any impression i have on your essay

So your self given prompt is


? if so, do you really answer it? do you ever talk about whether a medal has 2 sides, and what they are?

in any case, simply focusing on the quality of the essay (not considering grammatical mistakes), your essay seems convoluted. assuming that you do answer the prompt (i suggest you coming up with a prompt that "fits" better your essay), it lacks a clear thesis.

your intro states that you wanted that medal, and your 1st body declares how you realized that


. at that point, it's expected that you keep running with the idea that this medal didn't provide you with the pleasure you supposed because of the sacrifices and such

however, your third paragraph talks about how the medal was actually worth something since it was the zenith of your efforts.

ok, upon reading your conclusion, i think i get your point: the medal has its downsides, and its upsides. however, if that is your thesis, then you need not to say in the second paragraph that the medal meant nothing, because if it did, then there wouldn't be any point to your essay, but whether the medal was worth all the trouble.

i'd take out the michael phelps part. it distracts the reader from your main point.

overall, i think that you really do need more focus. i'd suggest:
2nd paragraph focus on your sacrifices (was the medal worth it?)
3rd paragraph focus on the upsides
conclusion, the medal told the story of your life, and was definitely worth it.
(that's why i'd change the prompt...you don't want a prompt that requires qualification, like qualifying both sides of the medal, but whether the medal impacted you positively)

when you write about the downsides and upsides, talk in specific. Don't try to go all over the place and list all the things you could think of. instead talk about 1 or 2 or 3 specific events that were really significant to you that illustrate your sacrifice or your gain; also, what confuses me is when you try to explain the upsides with the downsides, like that despite the fact the you lost friends (downside), you made new ones. i'd try coming up with more significant examples, specific to the IMO competitions. after all, you could lose friends because of anything, not necessarily math competitions.

Thank you very much Yang)
I have sent to UChicago the result of my third approach)))
I wrongly thought that this essay was creative, however you have opened my eyes pointing my weakness points.)

this essay WAS creative; it simply lacked focus. The idea, however, was clever and pretty good. I'm sorry if I made you feel that your essay was bad; it was definitely not my intention, nor what I think of your essay.