UGA Essay: Interesting Story.

It had to be 150-250 words and the topic was asking about an interesting story about myself. Please give me some grammar tips and comments on the writing.

Elizabeth slammed the tiller in a swift arc across the boat attempting to fight the screaming wind. It was another Sunday race; Elizabeth was skipper, I was crew, and my friend Dani was the invaluable "dead weight." While Elizabeth saw only the image of crossing the finish line first, Dani had no idea as to its location. In a boat with these two extremes, I was determined to succeed but also aware that the true reason for the race was enjoying the experience. We rounded downwind mark first; as the boat heeled, Dani cheered in excitement. Elizabeth and I remained serious as we arched over the thrashing water, aware that the win was not definite. No less than 50 meters from the finish line a gust of wind blew over the boat into a full capsize. As we rolled into the water I could hear Dani's shriek, Elizabeth's scorn, and the blasts of the fog horn as other boats crossed the finish line. I couldn't help but laugh. After a short struggle the boat was returned to its proper position and by orders of Elizabeth, our "dead weight" began to bail water out of the boat as we sailed across the finish line. We never gave up, and in our own way, we won the race.

The story itself is well-written. The only thing is that it is a bit crowded, and seems to say as much, if not more, about Elizabeth and Dani as about yourself. I don't know if that is a weakness or not, but it is something you might want to consider before submitting it.