UNC Essay - Which terms suit best to describe me as a person and my whole life?

I took a bit of an unusual approach to the essay since there is already a reach of me getting into UNC. I wrote it in letter format to get around choosing a word tense that depicts "what I hope to be in the future but I'm not there yet". However if you remove the letter format then it reads like a normal esssay. I hope that it is seen as creative not stupid.

Thanks for any imput! I really appreciate it!

Prompt: After your long and happy life, your family must choose no more than a dozen words to adorn your headstone. What do you hope they choose, and why?

Altruistic, Kind-hearted, Authentic

My Dearest Loved Ones,

I am eighteen years old, and if you are reading this, it means I am dead. I am not scared of death, but I hope that it has not come too quickly. It is very odd to be writing to you at this time in my life because I still do not know where my life is headed. As I begin a new phase in my life and prepare for my college experience, I feel compelled to both look back on who I have been and forward to whom I will become in the future.

I hope people remember me as an altruistic person, who did my best to put others before myself in every aspect of my life. As a kind-hearted person, I try to be nonjudgmental and forgive easily. I want my friends and family to be comfortable around me. Altruism and acceptance are nothing without authenticity; if my actions and feelings are not genuine, I could not honestly claim these attributes as my own. If you remember me as having been a benevolent and authentic person, then my life will have been well-lived.

My faith in God is a large part of who I am. I pray that I can be recalled soulful in my beliefs, and that I am transparent in my passion. Faithful has many meanings for me, faithfulness means embodying the concepts of commitment and trust. I hope I have stayed faithful to my God, my family, and my friends. It is imperative for me to believe that you, my family and friends, are able to remember me as faithful and true at all times. I strive to be luminous; I want to be clear in who I am, shining with joy in my life and yours.

Wisdom is something I lack, at least in excessive amounts, then again few young adults could claim to have wisdom. It is something that is gained with experience and time, acquiring not only knowledge but also judgment as to what actions should be taken. Life will throw many choices my way and I will have to be able to decide which paths will lead me to the greatest ending.

Persistence is a quality I already have, I don't give up and I endure. I seek to stay energized in every aspect of my life and energize others to work hard and never give up. I want to move with deliberation to commit to every action I take and seeing it through to the end, even when it becomes difficult. Hard-work falls hand in hand with persistence, to be persistent you must be hard-working. I hope people have also known me as daring, not afraid to take on challenges or do something in a new or different way.

I write you this letter because I want you to know who I am now and who I am striving to become. I hope that I have embodied each characteristic I have described and that I would deserve the honor of having these words adorn my headstone,

Altruistic, Kind-hearted, Authentic
Wise, Persistent, Hard-working
Faithful, Soulful, Luminous
Deliberate, Energetic
Daring

It is with great peace I leave this letter, knowing that I am working in the right direction in every aspect of my life.

Sincerely,
corey91

I don't think that the format is stupid, but the execution is not quite there. I like your ideas, but I think it would benefit you to focus on one or two and really talk about those. Right now you mention personality traits without being specific to your life; there are no stories. When was a time when your faith in God helped you? Why do you wish to gain wisdom? And then, when you end with your twelve words the insight from your letter does not give this laundry list of words a deeper meaning to who you are. It's a good draft. Stick with it. Best of luck with UNC.

I pray that I can be recalled as someone who is soulful in her beliefs and that I am transparent in her passion.----> transparent in passion? Does that mean that you do not conceal what you are passionate about?

Wisdom is something I lack, at least in excessive amounts, then again few young adults could claim to have wisdom.-----> this is a run on sentence. You should put a semi-colon after amounts. That'll fix it. But isn't this supposed to be about how you will be AFTER a long and happy life?

I think this essay is good as brainstorming, but you need to change it to reflect how your whole life will have been. Write those 12 words at the start of the essay, and... I guess I think you should not write it as a letter. It seems like you misunderstood the prompt. I'm sorry! But enjoy revising it; writing is great. :-)

The point I was trying to get across was that I have no IDEA what I will be like at the end of my life. So I thought if I put it in this format it would show that I know what I want to be even if I know it may not be how I turn out.

My goal was to show the college what I am striving to be become even though I'm not there yet.

Thanks for the advice, it gives me plenty to think about. : )