'underprivileged children in Burma' - Common application short answer

Hi everybody!!

Can you please edit my Common application short response?? I am seriously needing help.

Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences.

During the Educational Outreach Project sponsored by Youth Leadership Association, I had the opportunity to learn more about the lives of underprivileged children in Burma. Most of the students in the monastic school we went could not even wear shoes or clean clothes and were likely to quit school due to financial hardships. The very common thing I could see in their innocent eyes was inferiority. Therefore, throughout the whole project, we all tried to brush out inferiority from their minds and convey them the message that all they need to escape from destitution are optimism, determination, and persistence. In addition to teaching them about personal hygiene and environmental awareness, we told them about the biographies of inspiring people such as Abraham Lincoln and G.W Carver who succeeded despite countless difficulties. Gradually, we could see flickers of hope on their faces and felt very gratified to know that our actions could have a positive impact on others' lives.

Thank you very much!!

it's good in the sense that you have felt what many people would not be able to feel- the lives of these underprivileged children. But I feel as if you're not making full use of it. Try to talk more about how your empathy for them has affected you..maybe you can talk about when you taught them about persistence, etc., you learned that you weren't so different than they were and you realized you could also confront your problems with etc,etc.

This is just an idea of course, as long as you get my point:)

maybe you cld crtique my commonapp essay too?

You're not really talking about yourself; you're focusing too much on the children. Maybe focus a little more on how this opportunity changed you as a person?

I have changed a little bit!!

Can you plz read it again and give back some comments? Although I did not have a problem in writing essays, I got stuck with this short answer. The sooner I can get it done, the sooner I can submit my commonapp.

During the Educational Outreach Project sponsored by Youth Leadership Association, I had the opportunity to learn more about the lives of underprivileged children in Burma. Most of the students in the monastic school I went couldn't even wear shoes or clean clothes and were likely to quit school due to financial hardships. The very common thing I could see in their innocent eyes was inferiority. Hence, I tried with all my might to brush out inferiority from their minds. In addition to teaching them about personal hygiene and environmental awareness, I told them about the biographies of inspiring people such as Abraham Lincoln and G.W Carver who succeeded despite countless difficulties to convey them the message that all they need to escape from destitution are optimism, determination, and persistence. Gradually, I could see flickers of hope on their faces and felt very elated to know that my empathetic actions had a positive impact on others' lives.

The very common thing I could see in <--- sounds a bit awkward, rephrase?
told them about the biographies <-- I told them about the lives of...
could see flickers of hope on their faces and I felt very elated to know that my empathetic actions had a positive impact on others' lives.

That's it! Amazing essay overall :) Will you take another look at my CommonApp essay? Final copy...desperate for editing!

Here, Erica, I've revised it for you.

During the Educational Outreach Project sponsored by the Youth Leadership Association, I had the opportunity to learn more about the lives of underprivileged children in Burma. Most of the students in the monastic school where I went couldn't even wear shoes or clean clothes and were likely to quit school due to financial hardships. One thing that I could see in all of their innocent eyes was inferiority. Hence, I tried with all my might to brush out inferiority from their minds. In addition to teaching them about personal hygiene and environmental awareness, I told them about the lives of inspiring people such as Abraham Lincoln and George Washington Carver, who led successful lives despite countless difficulties to convey them the message that all they need to escape from destitution are optimism, determination, and persistence. Gradually, I could see flickers of hope on their faces and, I felt very elated to know that my empathetic actions had a positive impact on others' lives.

Overall, excellent essay! Just remember to be careful with grammar.