this is my common app essay. I know its pretty long.
should I cut it down?
where should I cut?
what do you think about the transitions between topics?
does it have a clear thesis?
thanks TONS for looking over it. any advice is very appreciated.
Camp Winnarainbow is one of my favorite places in the world and I consider it to be my second home. It's a sleep-away camp in Mendocino County, four hours north of San Francisco. The daily activities of the camp are based around teaching circus and performing arts skills to kids, but the core-underlying principal is to teach kids how to operate positively and creatively within a community. It also strives to create an open environment for kids with varied life experiences to express themselves in ways that aren't available or safe at home. Political activist Wavy Gravy and his wife Jahannera founded the camp. Wavy was one of the co-founders of the Hog Farm Collective in 1960 and the MC at the original Woodstock Festival in 1969. The camp represents Wavy and Jahannera's effort to bring their community ideals to modern-day kids. Through my years at camp, I have become a more creative, outgoing and opinionated person. I've developed my leadership skills, become an enthusiastic unicycling teacher and become more open to new people and experiences as well.
One of the main reasons I first went to Winnarainbow was because I learned to ride a unicycle the year before. I first learned to ride in my living room when my mom borrowed a unicycle to keep me occupied during the long Wisconsin winter months. I enjoyed the challenge of learning to ride because I had to figure it out on my own. At camp, I was ecstatic to be surrounded by other kids who could unicycle at a far more advanced level than myself. I soaked up new tricks like a sponge, learning several new ones each day.
Since then, I have gotten very immersed in the unicycling world. I currently participate in several annual unicycling and juggling festivals in the Midwest. I've traveled to two national unicycling competitions, one in Minnesota where I placed in several events including mountain unicycling and unicycle hockey. I also drove to California for the 2010 competitions. My dad and I joined a unicycle tour of San Francisco and rode down Lombard St. and over the Golden Gate Bridge. The most amazing unicycle event that I've attended was the 2010 world unicycling conference and championships that were held in Wellington, New Zealand. I attended the conference without my parents, instead staying in a hostel with several other riders from around the world. My hometown club will host the next national event this summer. I am organizing the hockey tournament and helping to find sponsors for the event.
At the Minnesota nationals, I met the Puerto Rican unicycle team. Their most important event is unicycle basketball. Despite my mediocre Spanish skills, I approached them and asked to play on their team. I had never played unicycle basketball before but together we won 3rd place. The challenge of the language barrier was easily overcome because they were an incredibly welcoming group of people (and great cooks) and they made the experience so much fun. Their team acted as a family and they adopted me as their Caucasian brother.
The world of unicycling is especially appealing to me because it allows me to interact with many kinds, types, and styles of people that I wouldn't otherwise know. It exponentially increases the diversity of the people I meet and the friends I make.
Some of my most meaningful camp experiences function in the same way. For example, I met Charles when I was a staff member at Camp Winnarainbow during the summer of 2009. This was my third summer as a councilor. I was co-staff of a tipi of 8 boys. By this point I had also progressed from a run-of-the-mill beginner to being the principal unicycle instructor. Charles was 15 years old, African-American, and came from a rough section of Richmond, California, that, at the time, had the highest murder rate in the U.S. He was able to attend due to the very extensive scholarship program put in place by Jahannera and Wavy to create a diverse micro-community for each intense two-week session.
At the beginning of camp Charles was rowdy, told inappropriate stories to younger campers and was generally a poor camper. He was a tough guy, and refused to listen to directions and requests from his councilors. When I met him on the first day I liked his strong personality and we enjoyed bantering but I was worried about how things were going to go for him. That first evening as we were playing some name games in the tipi, he started to open up and share. Later that night as we were going to bed, he told us more about his life in Richmond. I sensed he was sharing more than he would have felt comfortable with outside of camp. I remember feeling really respectful towards him because I was so impressed about the way he opened up. He was describing a background that was so different from what I was used to. As the session progressed, Charles had his ups and downs. He enthusiastically participated in theater and my unicycling class but often went beyond the boundaries of acceptable language at camp.
He and I became good friends but unfortunately, he didn't make it to the end of the session. He was sent home due to some inappropriate comments he made to female staff member. His fate was decided by the senior camp administration. Although they are an exceptionally open-minded group, they felt Charles had crossed the line too many times. I advocated on his behalf to a senior staff member that he was better off at camp then home in Richmond. I also pointed out that his language was normal in his home environment, and he was unable to make the adjustments to a new set of rules.
Although he constantly tested the staff and the limits of camp rules, he meant a lot to me for sharing a part of the world that I rarely see. Coming from a medium sized city in the upper Midwest my experiences with the unicycling community and also attending camp in California have allowed me to expand my world and meet a wide range of people that I wouldn't cross paths with in my hometown. As a counselor I encourage kids to step outside the box and try new things. As a college student hopefully I am being asked to step out of my safety zone of the last 17 years and try some very different things.
should I cut it down?
where should I cut?
what do you think about the transitions between topics?
does it have a clear thesis?
thanks TONS for looking over it. any advice is very appreciated.
Camp Winnarainbow is one of my favorite places in the world and I consider it to be my second home. It's a sleep-away camp in Mendocino County, four hours north of San Francisco. The daily activities of the camp are based around teaching circus and performing arts skills to kids, but the core-underlying principal is to teach kids how to operate positively and creatively within a community. It also strives to create an open environment for kids with varied life experiences to express themselves in ways that aren't available or safe at home. Political activist Wavy Gravy and his wife Jahannera founded the camp. Wavy was one of the co-founders of the Hog Farm Collective in 1960 and the MC at the original Woodstock Festival in 1969. The camp represents Wavy and Jahannera's effort to bring their community ideals to modern-day kids. Through my years at camp, I have become a more creative, outgoing and opinionated person. I've developed my leadership skills, become an enthusiastic unicycling teacher and become more open to new people and experiences as well.
One of the main reasons I first went to Winnarainbow was because I learned to ride a unicycle the year before. I first learned to ride in my living room when my mom borrowed a unicycle to keep me occupied during the long Wisconsin winter months. I enjoyed the challenge of learning to ride because I had to figure it out on my own. At camp, I was ecstatic to be surrounded by other kids who could unicycle at a far more advanced level than myself. I soaked up new tricks like a sponge, learning several new ones each day.
Since then, I have gotten very immersed in the unicycling world. I currently participate in several annual unicycling and juggling festivals in the Midwest. I've traveled to two national unicycling competitions, one in Minnesota where I placed in several events including mountain unicycling and unicycle hockey. I also drove to California for the 2010 competitions. My dad and I joined a unicycle tour of San Francisco and rode down Lombard St. and over the Golden Gate Bridge. The most amazing unicycle event that I've attended was the 2010 world unicycling conference and championships that were held in Wellington, New Zealand. I attended the conference without my parents, instead staying in a hostel with several other riders from around the world. My hometown club will host the next national event this summer. I am organizing the hockey tournament and helping to find sponsors for the event.
At the Minnesota nationals, I met the Puerto Rican unicycle team. Their most important event is unicycle basketball. Despite my mediocre Spanish skills, I approached them and asked to play on their team. I had never played unicycle basketball before but together we won 3rd place. The challenge of the language barrier was easily overcome because they were an incredibly welcoming group of people (and great cooks) and they made the experience so much fun. Their team acted as a family and they adopted me as their Caucasian brother.
The world of unicycling is especially appealing to me because it allows me to interact with many kinds, types, and styles of people that I wouldn't otherwise know. It exponentially increases the diversity of the people I meet and the friends I make.
Some of my most meaningful camp experiences function in the same way. For example, I met Charles when I was a staff member at Camp Winnarainbow during the summer of 2009. This was my third summer as a councilor. I was co-staff of a tipi of 8 boys. By this point I had also progressed from a run-of-the-mill beginner to being the principal unicycle instructor. Charles was 15 years old, African-American, and came from a rough section of Richmond, California, that, at the time, had the highest murder rate in the U.S. He was able to attend due to the very extensive scholarship program put in place by Jahannera and Wavy to create a diverse micro-community for each intense two-week session.
At the beginning of camp Charles was rowdy, told inappropriate stories to younger campers and was generally a poor camper. He was a tough guy, and refused to listen to directions and requests from his councilors. When I met him on the first day I liked his strong personality and we enjoyed bantering but I was worried about how things were going to go for him. That first evening as we were playing some name games in the tipi, he started to open up and share. Later that night as we were going to bed, he told us more about his life in Richmond. I sensed he was sharing more than he would have felt comfortable with outside of camp. I remember feeling really respectful towards him because I was so impressed about the way he opened up. He was describing a background that was so different from what I was used to. As the session progressed, Charles had his ups and downs. He enthusiastically participated in theater and my unicycling class but often went beyond the boundaries of acceptable language at camp.
He and I became good friends but unfortunately, he didn't make it to the end of the session. He was sent home due to some inappropriate comments he made to female staff member. His fate was decided by the senior camp administration. Although they are an exceptionally open-minded group, they felt Charles had crossed the line too many times. I advocated on his behalf to a senior staff member that he was better off at camp then home in Richmond. I also pointed out that his language was normal in his home environment, and he was unable to make the adjustments to a new set of rules.
Although he constantly tested the staff and the limits of camp rules, he meant a lot to me for sharing a part of the world that I rarely see. Coming from a medium sized city in the upper Midwest my experiences with the unicycling community and also attending camp in California have allowed me to expand my world and meet a wide range of people that I wouldn't cross paths with in my hometown. As a counselor I encourage kids to step outside the box and try new things. As a college student hopefully I am being asked to step out of my safety zone of the last 17 years and try some very different things.