Unanswered [5] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Undergraduate   % width Posts: 8


United States Naval Academy- Admission Essay on my interest in Military Service!


Liamgtc 1 / 2  
Jan 26, 2013   #1
I was twelve when I began doing karate. I wasn't a tough boy, and I reasoned that karate lessons would change that. In doing karate, I discovered something much greater than strength; discipline. Karate taught me that anything was possible with discipline, even laying on spears or breaking bricks with your hands. I developed a deep bond with my Shihan, my teacher, and I became his "assistant teacher." When he gave mini-lessons to the Young Marines, I discovered something else. I watched kids, older and younger than me, marching in a military fashion, drilling and sounding off, and saluting. I was awestruck by their discipline, and I signed up as quickly as I could. I was surprised by how hard the officers pushed their Young Marines. On our first day as recruits, we were subjected to the "authentic" boot camp experience by our officers, a couple of tough, retired Marines. We were yelled at, and berated. We got stinging nicknames. And I loved every minute of it because I knew that the men screaming at me were giving their time to shape us into better people, better citizens, and better team-members. I knew that it was the Marine Corps style to break us down as individuals, then to build us back up as a team, and I was committed. My two cousins are in the Marine Corps, so I feel a special connection to it, even in the form of the Young Marines. I worked hard and rose through the ranks, and I learned that I love to teach, and to lead. The Young Marines instilled in me a sense of pride, honor, and camaraderie that has made me a better person.
jkjeremy - / 380 72  
Jan 26, 2013   #2
My initial impression is that this is fairly well-written. It also has potential to be different in a good way. However, I'm not sure you're answering the question. Would you mind posting the essay question as well as the word count requirement?
OP Liamgtc 1 / 2  
Jan 26, 2013   #3
Sure, thanks for the feedback. It's a two part question and I haven't worked the second part out into anything passable, but it's coming. The posted paragraph responds to the prompt:

"Describe a personal experience you have had which you feel has contributed to your own character development and integrity."
The second part is:
"Describe what led to you initial interest in the naval service"
which I've responded to, and it continues
"...and how the Naval Academy will help you achieve your long range goals."
jkjeremy - / 380 72  
Jan 26, 2013   #4
Thanks. That's quite helpful. Give me a moment to reread everything.

How long does the entire thing need to be?
jkjeremy - / 380 72  
Jan 26, 2013   #5
You were asked to discuss ONE personal experience. You've talked about two.

If I were you, I'd stick with the karate and save the Young Marines for a separate part of the essay (probably the next part).

So...

How did karate

[contribute] to your own character development and integrity

?

In other words, how did it CHANGE your outlook on things?
dumi 1 / 6,925 1592  
Jan 27, 2013   #6
I was twelve when I began doing karate. I wasn't a tough boy, and I reasoned that karate lessons would change that.

I think you can present this in a much more effective way.... This is a great idea :) ... This is my suggestion, but may be you can present it a lot better than this;

At the age of twelve, I began learning Karate thinking that it would help me to become tough which I longed for.
You need to have your application stand out among hundreds of others... So have some emotions into your writing to make it look more creative :)

I was surprised by how hard the officers pushed their Young Marines.

I was surprised by the hard manner that officers pushed their young marines
OP Liamgtc 1 / 2  
Jan 27, 2013   #7
Thanks for the feedback guys! It's 500 word maximum... it's a bit of a squeeze haha. I'm working on my rewrite now.
jkjeremy - / 380 72  
Jan 27, 2013   #8
Don't worry about exceeding the limit.

I (or someone else) can easily remove the unnecessary words.

Your first job is to make sure that you're addressing the prompt as it's phrased.


Home / Undergraduate / United States Naval Academy- Admission Essay on my interest in Military Service!
Do You Need
Academic Writing
or Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳