An Essay on university admission -UG (myself, family, school interests)

I am told to write a 1-2 page essay describing myself my family / school interests and why I'm interested in the BSC (honors program in general business and management studies from the univ o bradord singapore. Its not a top uni but it still reqs me to write an admission essay and so i want to giv it my best.

I hav come up with a fair introduction that describes me and my previous achievements and i'd like to continue it to talk about how business is in my blood since my dad is into it and Its a UK univ in Singapore so It would hlp me go for mba at Uk and how the world is my playground and i will build a bridge from india to singapore to uk. Any advice is welcome.Here's what i'v writtn so far its still in raw stage any changes and additions would help.

Ah and or those who doubt my accomplishments in the field think again i've travelled the world and won quite a bit o money. All trips fully sponsored and almost 3 diff countries a year. Which i will mension separately in the application form along with certs. Under Resume. Its just that my grades are not top but still above the acceptence req for the uni.

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I have always believed in competition and survival of the fittest. Exceeding in any field requires one to equip themselves with the best skills available imparted from the best education. From a very early age, I have often been placed under international exposure and pressure. I have learnt to deal with it in a mature goal oriented way. Crucial in my learning was the conclusion that in order to the best in any Endeavour or field one is required to associate themselves with minds that think alike in an environment that fosters creativity while imparting the highest order of education.

In my research this led me to choosing the Bsc degree (hons) from the University of Bradford in Singapore. It wasn't a blind decision to enter here, I had spoken to many relatives and I had come to understand that the education imparted here would be invaluable in achieving my goals.

I have worked very hard in whatever interest I have taken up and I believe that few years from now, having business in my blood, it would only be apt that I run an outfit where I instill my ambition and constant drive to make a difference by starting a company.

A well rounded education in Business is something that I genuinely desire to impart on to myself. I believe specific things like business law, accounting, management, an indepth understanding of economics and how investments and the stock markets work along with how business operate globally are crucial for success. Not just local success but a truly global impact and meaning that I wish to bring through all my endeavors. I have often seen opportunities where I can bring fresh ideas to the table and execute better than what is being done, but it would be naïve to assume such a thing could be achieved without a formal education. This, I believe, is the education I seek from the University of Bradford.

I choose to study in Singapore for several reasons. Singapore is a country rich in it's culture and evident beauty. Being an international hub while having similarities to India, I believe a certain comfort level would be experienced. But the most important thing is the cosmopolitan environment that I would be exposed to. Meeting different people from different cultures and backgrounds would empower me in understanding how people think and how global businesss are run. Singapore is a country that has progressed so fast and in such a tightly governed manner that there is a lot to be learnt about the culture and ways of running things.

It is also more economical for me to get my education here as opposed to the UK or USA where I believe a pinch would be felt by my parents. I also have a lot of relatives in Singapore to whom I can always look up to and depend for any of my local needs. I believe that the exposure to understanding the intricacies of the Asian Market, with Asia being the future of business, would be invaluable.

I believe in free thinking. I was raised a Hindu but I am secular at heart. I have been exposed to a very social and religious society but have never been restricted to the norms and rituals. I was allowed to believe in individuality but not scorning the faiths of other men. I believe this attitude of open minded thinking is something that I am proud of and I am grateful to my parents for always supporting and encouraging me in my efforts.

I thrive under pressure. I remember a a time in my 11th grade which was at the intersection of having a national finals in Warcraft 3 and an exam in Mathematics. A very important exam that I had to not only attend but score well to boost my grades. At the same time the tournament was something I worked hard at. I couldn't give up on either. If I missed the maths exam I would have to repeat a year. If I missed the national finals my dream to travel to France would remain just that, a dream. I took the risky decision of attending both. I flew into Mumbai for a few hours played my games excelled by beating my opponent and then left back home to study the last few hours. I not only achieved a more than average mark impressing my School principal but also won the trip to France. Two results with one determined goal. It was from then on that I realised as long as i believed in something and tried my level best to obtain it ; there would be no stopping me.

I have also believed in well roundedness and not just a concentration to academics. I participated in all kinds of sports from basketball, to kho-kho, to football to chess, even managing to win a few medals. I was lucky to make such great friends in school; friends I know I can depend on even in the most troubled times of my life. With an opportunity to study in Singpore I hope to widen my horizons and make many more new friends, but more importantly gain a complete education to help me achieve greatness for which I believe I am destined.

Use a spell checker, watch out for punctuation and capitalization, and try to organize this around a main theme. Your main theme is creativity in competition.

Write an intro paragraph about creativity in competition, and do not mention World of Warcraft in that first paragraph.

When you write a paragraph, express the main idea in the first sentence, and then explain it in the following sentences.

Avoid superfluous phrases like "long story short" and "to start things off."

Do not cover multiple ideas in a single paragraph. Each paragraph is for one main idea.

Try putting these idea in a different order. I look forward to the next draft. Remember to make this essay all about one main idea that you mention in both the first and last paragraph.

Thanks thats good advice as i was a little bit lost :). I think an even more interesting point and main idea i can make is that i took a big risk and worked through it with great results which could be very advantageous and how i lear'nt to deal with pressure another necessary value company executives and management professionals need but the problem is like you said to convey 1 big idea and expand on that.. If i make my theme about creativity in competition and expand on it will it be possible for me to fit all my other ideas like going into detail about my experiences like that maths exam. Also can i make my essay then 10 paras long ? As i have lots of idea's and experiences to fit in and this afterall is not based on 1 question in particular and the basic idea is to let the university get an overall understanding of me.

Hey

I've written abit more with an introduction and a reason for me applying to the university still got to find a way to conclude, any advice ? Gotta submit this essay tomorrow so all help is much appreciated.

Sorry for occupying so much space. Im now posting a more refinded form of the essay still need to conclude and i will like to fit in how i would like to conclude by saying nothing is beyond our reach as quoted in the words of Jonathan Dean " Dream Like You Will Live Forever And Live Like You Will Die Today" and why i will be a strong asset to the university. Also i feel i could fit the 5th para maybe after the first.

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My name is Nickunj Bansal and I'm 18 years old.
...

Ask that question to the people who will be judging it; it's always good to call the admissions office and chat, make a good impression, etc.

Also, when deciding what to include, reconsider your purpose. This applies in all aspects of life, not just writing. Your purpose is to make them see greatness in you, and that means you need to get in touch with what seems "great." Your first paragraph seems great, because it shows that at 18 you are in touch with the competitive nature of the world at 18 years old. However, it is not great to start out by telling your age, because that is sort of arbitrary. However, you can keep it this way and use that mention of your age:

My name is Nickunj Bansal and I am an 18-year-old business aspirant. Despite my youth, I already feel the pressure of today's fast paced ever changing world, where everyone is always competing for the...

Here is a part that is not great, because it has superfluous words:

To be more specific i need to learn more specific things about business.

Now, I would like to see if you can establish a main theme -- perhaps the pressure from this competitive world -- and describe your experiences within the framework of that competitive pressure. You can use the sports, the business aspirations, etc., all to show your sense of competition. You can describe your values by telling how you need to be able to be competitive in order to provide for loved ones and make a real contribution.

The conclusion seems incomplete, because it has not main theme to refer back to. If you use a solid theme, such as "aspiring businessperson all too aware of the competition in this world," you can reflect and expand on that in th conclusion.

I wish you luck!!

Once again thanks for your advice I have changed my essay's theme and would now like to conclude by including a quote i heard when i was young "Dream like you will live forever and live like you will die today" I'd prefer to end it with the quote but im finding trouble into fitting it in a conclusion or should i just leave it the way it is?

I have always believed in competition and survival of the fittest.
What do you mean by that? Some people will think that you find fulfillment in what Mill called the "will to power." Or maybe it was Nietzsche. Anyway, to "believe in" survival of the fittest makes you seem like someone who would buy into stuff like... like, that is what Anton Leveigh's silly satanic philosophy is all about -- finding meaning in being able to conquer others. For that reasn, I don't know if it is a good first line for the essay... :(

Excelling in any field requires one to equip himself or herself with the best skills available imparted from and the best education.

Don't capitalize Endeavour.

Try reading each paragraph and giving each a label. Paragraph 2 might be labeled "University of Bradford." Paragraph 3 might be labeled "business in my blood." In this way, you can whether or not your ideas are presented in a logical order. (By the way, I think short paragraphs like 2 and 3 should be combined and given a common theme. For example business was in your blood, so you attended Bradford.)

Keep working at this! Good luck!

Well, you already seem to have made a lot of progress on this essay, but there is still room for improvement. Be careful of your word choice and sentence structure. Sometimes you use a word that is slightly off, or else structure your sentences in such a way that you end up saying something you don't really mean. For example

"I run an outfit where I instill my ambition and constant drive to make a difference by starting a company." Instill doesn't really make sense here. You instill something into someone or something else. So, "I wish to start a company where I can instill my sense of ambition into eager new employees," or some such, would work.

"A well rounded education in Business is something that I genuinely desire to impart on to myself." If you can impart the education to yourself, why do you want to attend university?

"I believe this attitude of open minded thinking is something that I am proud of" You believe that you are proud of it? You don't know for certain?

These are fairly minor errors, but cumulatively they weaken your essay, so you should probably go through and revise them.