University of Hartford (future businesswoman)

Considering your strengths, talents, and interests, why do you wish to attend the University of Hartford?

During the past three years of high school, I have realized the importance of scholastic achievement , I have matured dramatically ,found faith as well courage in myself, and discovered what's best for me.

During my freshman and sophomore year I considered myself to have been lost, not knowing where I would begin my life. My grades have always been impressive, I've always had a clear set of academic goals for myself. Other than that, I still didn't know what I wanted as my career. Unfortunately, I realized I only have one year left , and I was running out of time.

I have always been interested in Cosmetology, its what I know I'm talented in ,and basically its my passion. Attending A.I. Prince Technical High School , has given me the opportunity to enhance my skills and prepare myself for the upcoming challenges. I have been able to put my focus and dreams towards the future in the field of Cosmetology. My goal is to attend college and major in Business in order to be successful and make my dreams come true.

Besides my interest and talent, I also have mathematical strengths. I consider this to be one of my strengths because of the challenges it provides me. It's the only subject in school that motivates me to work harder and continue trying. I'm considering choosing accounting as a minor.

I am my own person , creative , talented , and a strong individual. My purpose and goal for attending college is to become successful in owning and managing my own business. I plan to own my own hair salon/spa. My interest is to attend The Barney School of Business. I believe the business course would be my greatest challenge. If accepted I will establish what I am able of, I believe the University of Hartford will help me strive to success as a future business woman.

You need to polish the style and grammar a bit:

"My grades have always been impressive and I've always had a set of academic goals for myself; other than that I still didn't know what I wanted to do for my career."

"I was blind to see that this was right in front of me eyes the entire time." Wordy with ambiguous referent. Revise.

"prepare myself for the upcoming . . ." complete your sentences.

"Besides my interest and talent I also have strengths, which are in mathematics. I consider this to be as one of my strengths because of the challenges. It's the only subject in school that motivates me to work harder and continue trying. As far as not giving up I consider choosing to take accounting as a minor." This appears to be trying to say that you are good at math and would like to take accounting as a minor, something which would benefit you if you went into business for yourself. If that is what you are trying to say, then that is what you should actually say. Currently the wording is too confusing.

"My purpose and goal in attending college is to make something of my life." Way too general, here. After all, you could become a drug addict, rob a corner store, and go to jail, and you would still have made something of your life. That something would be a mess, but it would still be something. Try to be more specific about your goals.

grammar is the key

I'm not really good at writing essays that's why i asked for help :(

During my freshmen and sophomore years

...other than that I still didn't know what to do as of a career.

However, I was blind to see that this was right in front of my eyes the entire time.

I have always been interested in Cosmetology, its what I know I'm talented in , basically its my passion.

Good advice from Sean, but also, I noticed you leave a space before many commas. Don't do that.

:)

thanks :)

Was the space before the commas deliberate? I thought it was some sort of formatting bug from copying and pasting. But if it was deliberate, then Kevin is right -- you should definitely not add the extra spaces.

can someone actually edit/revise it..

Well, why don't you make the changes that have already been suggested, then post your revised draft for further feedback.

you have to work abit hard on your essays? hey why dont you get backup from the suggested comments and do more practise. It will help u alot.

If accepted I will establish what I am capable of, I believe the University of Hartford will help me obtain my goal of finding success as a future business woman.

Great job fixing up your essay, good luck in school!

:)