Hie guys! Please comment on my commonapp short answer which I'm submitting very soon.Thank you:)
Please elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities:
The first day I opened my mouth to sing a solo in the school choir, hundreds of jaws in our school's auditorium dropped in disbelief. Generally known around the school for being a physics lover and for assisting teachers in the science labs for "Open Day" electronics club demonstrations, my debut in the arts was reason enough for the widespread dismay. That was some years ago, but my passion for music has not waned. Instead, my love for music has grown exponentially. I subsequently performed at several concerts and even dropped electronics club for jazz and continued to improve my piano playing skills. Through the guidance of my music teachers, a husband and wife team that has become like my adoptive parents, I have deepened my understanding of music as a means of bringing joy to others. The highlight of my experiences as a musical performer was performing at the annual National Institute of Allied Arts festival with my school's African Gospel Choir. These electric performances, in which the hundred of us performed joyous African choral pieces, inspired me to re-energize my passion for music and continue to entertain others through my "unlikely" calling as a musician.
Great essay, really brings out the passion you have for music. I really like the first sentence- "The first day I opened my mouth to sing a solo in the school choir, hundreds of jaws in our school's auditorium dropped in disbelief."
Just make these corrections-
Through the guidance of my music teachers, a husband and wife team that has become like my adoptive parents, I have deepened my understanding of music as a means of bringing joy to others.
These electric performances, in which a hundred of us performed joyous African choral pieces,
Otherwise its a very good short answer. Well done.
Thanks harshall,I'll be sure to make the corrections you suggested:)
good essay, i don't have any suggestion.
i can feel the passion you have for music.
do you want to describe sth besides your passion? if you do, you may focus on other points. i can't get other information more than your passion.
it's really impressed if you just want to describe your love for music. :)
its a great start but i would be wary of when you say you dropped electronics club or vasseva because it may well come across as being an instinctive action even though it is later negated by the fact that you describe your love for music growing exponentially (which I guess is a pun given your scientific inclinations) anyway it all hinges on what you see youself doing so that this can back up the persona you are trying to present the uni with...
hie all,thanks for the comments.
@Xinyue,I tried to include other things besides music,but the 150 word limit is a hindrance.The commonapp definetely cuts off any extra text on that section(annoying...),but thanks for your suggestion I'll try and tweak it on some parts.
@Alex I eventually rejoined electronics club at some point...I think...Yes thanks for the analysis.I intend to major in biochem/pre-med with some music on the side,so I tried to reflect both sides.Do you think I should explain why I left electronics for jazz?I'm not sure how to approach it now:)
